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Lore Sjöberg
Time Travelers: Lay Off Grandpas

You know what's getting really tedious? All these time travelers. It seems like two weeks don't go by without some jerk with a time belt and a bad attitude blinking into my living room and trying to zap me into molecules, usually right in the middle of House. Some of them are members of something called "The Chrono-Police," some are plucky adventurers from the 30th century, and one of them was a crazy scientist/inventor from 2035 who tried to brain me with a bust of President Clinton-Bush.

It took me a while to work out the details, but apparently I'm going to have one or more children someday, and then eventually grandchildren, and one of my grandkids grows up to make some trouble for all of humanity and a couple alien species as well. From what I can gather, it involves a massive army of genetically modified great apes, the enslavement of a third of mankind, roving gangs of freelance executioners and four more Highlander movies.

I've tried to get the time assassins to give me a clearer picture than that, but I haven't been able to for a couple reasons. First off, they're trying to shoot me. Secondly, they keep talking about "polluting the time stream" if they tell me more. Hello? You're trying to kill me! Does it really hurt anything if you talk to me for a couple minutes first?

They won't even tell me which of my future grandkids it will be. It seems in their time he's just known as "Lord Killwolf the Unrepentant" and he wears an iron mask forged with the blood of his enemies. Thanks, time guys, huge help. Hell, I even went in to get a vasectomy, and it turns out the doctor was actually a time mercenary in disguise, ready to kill me on the operating table. How does that even make sense? Do people think about these things, or do they just grab a plasma cannon and set the dial for 2007?

Now, you might think I'm just being self-centered, but I'm not alone in this. Most of my friends are getting the same deal. Mark says one of his grandkids blows up the moon in the late 2080s, a couple of Greg's grandchildren form a death cult, and one of Chris' grandkids is hired to make a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon show after Bill Watterson dies. Calvin raps and snowboards a lot in it; apparently that cheeses people off.

That's why I'm forming Eventual Grandfathers Against Temporal Travel, Tampering and Termination. EGATTTT will be putting a number of brochures and public service videos in time-release vaults so as to educate people of the future about the human costs of going back in time and killing grandfathers.

Our first brochure will ask the question, "Why grandfathers?" I mean, come on, future folks, these kids have parents! They're the ones who raised mass murderers and despotic overlords, not us! If you have to warp back in time and kill someone -- and we're not saying you should -- why not daddy and mommy? Or, here's a thought, sit down for this one, why not kill the evil kid? Whoa! Right to the chase there! God forbid you actually laser-erase the person who froze the ocean or put you to work in the ozone mines!

With any luck, by the time time travel is invented, EGATTTT will be a powerful enough force to impose penalties on people who tamper with time. Harsh penalties. If I have my way, people will be afraid to leave their homes for fear of being mistaken by a hovering death bot for a known time traveler and disintegrated on the spot, leaving nothing but a warm section of sidewalk and the lingering scent of terror.

Which, come to think of it, might be why my grandfather kept getting attacked by time travelers back in the '40s.

saite uz orģinālu.
Starp citu, pie orģināla - komentāriņš par "Hitlers bija laika ceļotājs no nākotnes" arī ir tīri jauks. Neviens laika ceļotāju stāsta bez variācijām par fīreru!