19 June 2017 @ 01:52 pm
 
vienmeer, kad man uzlabojas garstaavoklis un es saaku justies viegi un mieriigi, taa ka beidzot var noveersties no ieksheejaas draamas un pieveerst skatu pasaulei un taas skaistumam, taa pasaule redzeslokaa it kaa nejaushi, totaali nevainiigi un teju absurdi, banaali, pateetiski, ljoti ljoti nejaushi un maigi, taa it kaa tas tur vienmeer buutu bijis iespljauj kaut kaadu trigeri, kas atkal liek noveersties no pasaules un nolemti skatiities ieksheejaa bezdibenii. why tho

but i guess this is the pattern that is my life.

pasaule, man ir apnicis tas kaa tu mistiski paveers manu skatienu par milimetra simtdalju tieshi taa, lai es ieraudziitu ko taadu kas visu maina, vai kaa tu bowowow cik mistiski uztaisi manai apzinjai taadu izejas lenjkji, lai mana uzmaniiba pieliip taadam vai shitaadam dajebkaadam spacetime punktam vai idejai, un ka tu liec man izdariit ko taadu, kas izraisa kaut ko naakamo, kas atkal visu maina. tiranizeetaajs, bezgodis.

un peec visa tu man liec domaat, ka viss ir svariigi un vienaldziigi reizee. taa ir kaa man paraleeli ir jaadziivo taa it kaa buutu vitaali svariigi izsekot visiem taviem maajieniem un milimetriigajiem uzmaniibas veershanas lenjkjiem, kameer kaut kaadaa spokainaa 'aarpus' taa viss ir gaistoshs sapnis, un katrs izsekoshanas kvests is nothing in itself, empty, totally void, with an expiration date stamped all over

un es gan gribu gan negribu lai viss ir gaistoshs sapnis. un es gan zinu gan nezinu, ka viss gan ir gan nav gaistoshs sapnis, un ka shii nenoteiksme ir pati dziives, dziivoshanas, shejienes, manis, paaules, eksistences essence.

bet tikuntaa. katru reizi kad kaut kas notiek.. tu man saki 'shis ir monumentaali un dzilji un ar unikaalu jeegu, ej tajaa iekshaa, visa pasaule, visa bezgaliiba no taa ir dramatiski atkariiga, patieshaam es tev saku no tevis ir atkariiga pasaule, tici un ej un transfigureejies!', lai jau naakamjaa briidii tu paviipsnaajot nomurminaatu, 'a tas? nee.. ko tu, gljuks, srsly.. did you really think'

tu pataisi visu kas ir sveets par koshleni uz asfalta, un jebkuru koshleni uz asfalta par kaut ko bezgaliigi sveetu. this is not a nurturing environment.

pasaule, It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

pasaule, I don't understand
Just why we can't be lovers
Things are getting out of hand
Trying too much, but pasaule we can't win

Let it go
If you want me pasaule, let me know
I am down, on my knees
I can't take it anymore

It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

pasaule, don't mis-understand (don't misunderstand)
What I'm trying to tell ya
In the corner of my mind (corner of my mind)
pasaule, it feels like we're running out of time

Let it go
If you want me pasaule, let me know
I am down, on my knees
I can't take it anymore

It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

Tearin' up my heart and soul
We're apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

Tearin' up my heart and soul (alright)
We're apart I feel it too (I feel it too)
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you
 
 
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on June 20th, 2017 - 06:05 pm
I mean a professional. Don't give up and resign, you have nothing to lose by trying.
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[info]methodrone on June 20th, 2017 - 06:26 pm
i just don't understand why would you people glorify somebody as 'professional', it is just another person who has read some psychology books. man shkjiet tu, piemeeram, esi daudz vairaak iemaaciijusies no savaam pieredzeem, no runaashanas ar saviem draugiem un gjimeni, kaut vai supervaizoriem, no jaunu cilveeku satikshanas, nekaa no tiem terapeitiem pie kuriem esi gaajusi, kas vienkaarshi atmulljaa to ko tu jau zini.
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on June 20th, 2017 - 06:31 pm
Nope. Terapeits nr.2 mani izcēla no depresijas ar CBT. Terapeite nr.3 man palīdzēja apzināties savas emocijas sakarā ar wanting to be out of this relationship and to not deny my emotions anymore. Friends cannot do that because they haven't had training and are biased.
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[info]methodrone on June 20th, 2017 - 06:58 pm
um, girl i'm pretty sure ka tu veel puirms paaris dienaam teici, ka tev viss besii un ka tu fucked up, kad izshkjiiries ar p. so what do you mean by 'they helped', ja they obviously had no effect on your thoughts.
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on June 20th, 2017 - 07:30 pm
Because I have two sides, obviously I still have a side that cares for P. It is just my therapist helped to brig forth that side that I was suppressing and that was constantly fighting with my be initiating fights etc. The side that wanted to be free.
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[info]methodrone on June 20th, 2017 - 07:34 pm
nu jaa that is what i understand. bet i'm different, jo i'm not suppressing anything, manii nav nekaadas ciinjas. man vienkaarshi ir taa, ka sometimes i feel so happy, sometimes i feel so sad, un katru reizi, kad i feel happy, something sad happens. and when it happens i am not fighting it, i just let it happen and embrace it. but then it makes me even sadder. i don't experience emotions like anger, or fear or anxiety anymore, all i feel is sadness and apathy when something happens that triggers me. but usually it doesn't last too long, and then in no time i am happy again. but then out of nowhere again.. something sad, and i am not suppressing it, i just allow it.
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on June 21st, 2017 - 04:31 pm
When something sad happens - do you mean externally like a sad life event or something sad inside your mind ruins the temporary happiness? I don't believe there is such a person that is not suppressing something. Also, you learn to develop tools to know what to do in these situations - in therapy.
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reliģiskais moments[info]de_profundis on June 21st, 2017 - 10:20 am
Nu man ir pretēja pieredze :)
Profesionālis ir kā džungļu gids, kuram nav nekādu ilūziju par to, ka visas psihiskās ainavas ir ar vienādiem dabas likumiem. viņš nav subjektīvi iesaistīts, viņu nepārņem riebums vai žēlums (kāds parasti pārņem, uzklausot draugus), viņā neveidojas nekādas emocijas, viņš tevi paņem pie rokas un droši, soli pa solītim, izved caur purvu. Viņam tā ir parasta lieta, viņu neapžilbina tas, ar kādu intelektu un skaistumu tas ir pateikts.
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[info]methodrone on June 21st, 2017 - 10:40 am
patiesi skaisti uzrakstiits. bet man gribas uzstaat, ka kameer varbuut citi cilveeki ir apmaldiijushies savaas psihiskajaas ainavaas, un baidaas no taam un gan pashi gan citus shokee ar zheeliem vai riebiigiem atklaajumiem tajaas, es savas ainavas esmu izstaigaajusi no viena gala liidz otram, krustu shkjeersu un paarzinu liidz visiem siikumiem. un tas ko es nesaprotu - kas ar sho ainavu jaadara tad, kad tu to pilniibaa esi apzinaajis? kas vispaar ir jaadara?

par taam pashaam baileem - es zinu ka ainavaa dziivo arii visaadi vilki, kas kluup virsuu, tiem pietuvojoties, bet taa kaa es vinjus jau paziistu un zinu, tad taas vairs nav bailes, tas vienkaarshi kljuust par faktu. vinji tur klainjo un aardaas, un es vinjiem ljauju, bet pashi vinji prom neiet.
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reliģiskais moments[info]de_profundis on June 21st, 2017 - 11:51 am
Var izstaigāt tikai to, ko apzinies.
Tā shēma ir tāda - no zemapziņas izcelt apziņā, izstaigāt, pieņemt (paldies, es tevi dzirdu, utt.). Tad nākamais solis ir saprast, ka tā ir tikai doma, un pārstāt ar to identificēties.
Problēma ir tā, ka kaut kādas lietas vēl nav domu līmenī, tās ir automātiskas fiziskas reakcijas kas glabājas tava ķermeņa atmiņā, to sauc arī par zemapziņu. Tas ir diezgan primitīvs līmenī, kuram ar prātu tikt klāt ir diezgan grūti. Jo īpaši intelektuāli attīstīts cilvēks, kurš gandrīz vai netic, ka viņam ir arī tāds primitīvs austeres līmenis.
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on June 21st, 2017 - 12:31 pm
+1000 Domāt, ka tu apzinies visu savu prātu un visus bias un reakcijas ir absurdi. Tas jo sevišķi izpaužas terapijā, kad terapeits sāk uzdot jautājumus, par kuriem ok varbūt tādā ļoti racionālā līmenī ir slinki domāts iepriekš, bet tad tu kaut ko sev atzīsti pirmoreiz un tas izraisa asaru plūdus. Jo ikdienas domā tu tomēr sevi pasargā kaut kādā līmenī un abstrahējies, runā par ļoti emocionālām tēmām racionāli (vēl raksturīgi runāt par traumām ar smaidu vai to pasniedzot kā joku - yet another way to disconnect), bet manuprāt terapijas lieliskums ir tajā, ka tu savieno faktus ar emocijām un atļauj sev būt vulnerable.
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[info]methodrone on June 22nd, 2017 - 07:52 pm
es zinu visas psihologjijas lietas un liimenjus, un es visu par sevi apzinos. man ir ljoti laba atminja un es atceros visus notikumus, kas man dziivee un it sevishkji beerniibaa ir bijushi dramatiski. un tur arii ir tas, tie liimenji, kam nevar tikt klaat ar praatu - jeb ko var saprast ar praatu, bet kurus intelektuaala sapratne nerausta - ko ar taadiem dariit? es to liimenju notikumus skaidri redzu sev priekshaa un izprotu, bet vinjiem ir pohujaa, un vinji ir stuurgalviigi ieaakjeejushies manii, neviens vaards vinjus neatkabina. psihoterapeits straadaa ar vaardiem - intelektuaalajaa liimenii nevis kaut kaadaa kjermenja-emocionaaalajaa-zemapzinjas liimenii. taapeec how in the world does it make sense, ka kaut kas ko nevar mainiit ar vaardiem var mainiities, ja lieto vaardus. this is literally what i hear you girls saying 'yes there is this level you cannot reach with your mind but go to a mind doctor and they will reach it then' i mean... come... on...

sorry, rant over.
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reliģiskais moments[info]de_profundis on June 23rd, 2017 - 09:00 am
tur jau tā lieta, ka psihoterapeits nestrādā tikai ar vārdiem.
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on June 21st, 2017 - 04:33 pm
The things that stop you from acting are underlying beliefs. Once you change those beliefs, you will be capable of acting!
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on June 21st, 2017 - 04:33 pm
But you cannot change them just by willing them to be different like pretending not to think something - it is a process.
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[info]methodrone on June 22nd, 2017 - 07:46 pm
but i'm not willing them to be different and i'm not pretending not to think something. this is literally all i do - thinking them and accepting them, and that is what makes me sadder. sometimes i think that maybe if i stopped thinking my true thoughts, maybe i would be happier. and whenever i stop for a while i do become happier. but then i remember that those are not my true thoughts, that my true thoughts are unhappy thoughts, and then i think them again, and become super unhappy.
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