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11 May 2016 @ 05:04 pm

'sometimes it can be an effort to resist the inertia of falling asleep. it feels as if i have to extricate myself from a viscous stickiness and pull myself back to a more conscious state. [..] and it feels as if my story is sticky, so it's hard to extricate myself. there is a dead weight of inertia pulling me into unconsciousness, which it takes an effort of will to resist.'

shoriit izejot no maajas peec seshiem gaiss bija slapjsh, kaut kur aiz slapjaa gaisa un miglas un tvaikiem un shkjidriem, mitriem, gaisiigiem maakonjiem blaavi mirdzeeja saule. shkjita kaa pa pusei atrasties ljoti pastarpinaata uudens okeaana gultnee un koki bija gigantiskas, leknas udenszaales. veel arii shkjita kaa taa sajuuta peec raudaashanas, it kaa noraudaajusies pasaule visu riitu buutu piepuutusi ar savu silto, mitro peecraudaashanas atviegloto izelpu.

peedeejo meenesi es juutos kaa norobezhoties no visa un visiem un no sevis. un jo vairaak tu norobezhojies jo stipraaks tu juuties, bet jo nosleegtaaks, bet arii autentiskaaks mijiedarbojoties ar cilveekiem, bet jo vairaak tu no taadaam mijiedarbiibaam ciet. un es nesaprotu kaa tas var buut. it kaa tu sevi nosleedz, bet tad ar kaadu mijiedarbojoties tu sevi atgriez un no tevis gaazhas aaraa nekontroleets autentiskums, bet tad tu sevi uzreiz arii gribi aizgriezt ciet. autentiskums vispaar tam ir stulbs vaards, tas izklausaas iedomiigi un banaali, jo autentiskums jau nav neko aprakstosha kvalitaate. driizak, peedeejaa laikaa ljoti negribiigi piespiestas mijiedarbiibas ar cilveekiem man sagaada dzilju prieku bet arii dzilju torment. jo tas shkjiet kaa absoluuts pienaakums pret katru cilveeku iztureeties ar kaut kaadu bijiibu. jo man ir pretiigi mijiedarboties ar cilveekiem samaaksloti un izliekoties, vienmer kad taa ir noticis es esmu jutusies peec tam satriekta, labaak tad nemijiedarboties nemaz. taapeec es no taa gribu izvairiities, bet kad man nav izveeles un ar kaadu ir jaakomunicee, tad man ir taa sajuuta, ka es sevi atgriezhu valjaa kaa sluuzhas un varbuut pat biedeeju cilveekus un pati mulstu no taa salkanaa, siirupainaa sirsniiguma kas nekontroleeti no manis pluust. no vienas puses es ceru ka naakamreiz, kad man buus jaamijiedarbojas ar kaadu cilveeku man pietiks speeka sevi shaadi atgriezt valjaa. protams, es nezinu vai tas ir sirsniigums vai histeeriska veelme buut jaukai. un tad mani saapina veel arii tas, ka es saprotu, cik neadekvaati ir buut sirsniigam un atveertam un nekontroleetam pret jebkuru sveshinieku, man vienkaarshi shkjiet ka neviens cilveeks nav sveshinieks. man varbuut vienkaarshi shkjiet, ka man ir jaaatrod kaut kaads liimenis katraa cilveekaa ar kuru es varu sasleegties un buut viens veselums perfektas sapratnes kaut uz briidi un tur atrasties un ommm.

taa nu es staigaaju apkaart pilniigi viena un remdeni izmisusi, un ik pa laikam manaa celjaa gadaas kaads cilveeks deelj kura es atkal atgriezhu sevi valjaa (negribot) un cieshu kameer salkans, siirupains sirsniigums no manis gaazhas kaa asinis. kad tas cilveeks aiziet, es sevi atkal aizgriezhu, noslauku kaut kaadas miilesitibas paliekas, un turpinu staigaat apkaart pilniigi viena un izsalkusi un remdeni izmisusi, liidz kaadam atkal vajadzees lai sevi atgriezhu. protams, pati es nemekleeshu iemeslus un 'izdeviibas' sevi shaadi traumeet, tas buutu nepraats.

mans miiljaakais seriaals pashlaik ir hannibal, man shausmiigi patiik pilniigi viss ko saka bedelia du maurier un tas ka vinja tik leeni ar stiklainaam aciim un vaajpraatiigi ironisku smaidu runaa un baarsta ekstreemus apgalvojumus par willa un hannibaala emocionaalo saikni un evoluuciju

simfonija: bob dylan - simple twist of fate

8 atziņas | teikt

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french_mime on May 11th, 2016 - 08:05 pm

"shoriit izejot no maajas peec seshiem gaiss bija slapjsh, kaut kur aiz slapjaa gaisa un miglas un tvaikiem un shkjidriem, mitriem, gaisiigiem maakonjiem blaavi mirdzeeja saule. shkjita kaa pa pusei atrasties ljoti pastarpinaata uudens okeaana gultnee un koki bija gigantiskas, leknas udenszaales. veel arii shkjita kaa taa sajuuta peec raudaashanas, it kaa noraudaajusies pasaule visu riitu buutu piepuutusi ar savu silto, mitro peecraudaashanas atviegloto izelpu."

Omg, es arī tā jutos šorīt. Es braucu ar riteni pa miglu cauri leknām mežmalēm pie universitātes un gaiss burtiski smaržoja pēc lietus, ievu ziediem un zaļo augu vasarīgajām lapām, smaržoja tā, kā laukos vasarā ejot uz ezeru, I shit you not.

Un man arī tā mēdz būt ar cilvēkiem, tāpēc es izvairos no kontaktēšanās ar universitātes cilvēkiem, it literally distorts my self image to interact with people in this way.

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methodrone on May 11th, 2016 - 10:25 pm

jaa, mani ljoti saviljnjoja shaada dabas izpausme, kad es kaut ko taadu redzu, man shkjiet ka taa daba ir dalja no mana kjermenja, un man gribas lai praats izshkjiist un es varu atrasties visur reizee kokos un lapaas un zaalee un zemee un debesiis un augshaa un lejaa un gaisaa un piesatinaaties ar sho dailjumu.

jaa par cilveekiem, you're always either fake or real, and it is actually is very challenging and disturbing to be totally real with people. and it is equally disturbing to be fake with people.

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french_mime on May 11th, 2016 - 10:29 pm

Like, this is the ultimate struggle for me, probably the biggest struggle in my life (first world problems).

Es esmu sapratusi, ka I cannot be real with people 100% of the time because it is just not accepted in this society, I can only be real with the close people but it literally pains me to be fake, I have not mastered this, every time I hear how are you it literally stabs me in the brain, so I avoid all fake interactions as much as I can but it leads to a lonely life and a nonexistant professional persona.

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methodrone on May 11th, 2016 - 11:11 pm

but don't you find that what you call 'real' is just some concept you have attached to yourself what you think you should be like? as in - you want to be real to people, but what does it mean? what is your 'real' self? how would you treat them to be real? what parts of yourself would you show that are ultimately 'real'?

es laikam esmu sapratusi, ka prieksh manis real buutu iztureeties pret cilveekiem taa, ka i would recognize and acknowledge that they are just as human as i am with faults and dramatic inner life, neizlikties, ka es neredzu un nesaprotu muusu shared human condition. nepieveert acis uz to, ka vinjiem ir tiesiibas justies kaa vinji grib un iztureeties kaa vinji grib un ka tam ir savi iemesli, un tas ka man tas izraisa nepatiku vai aizkaitinaajumu, ka taa nav vinju vaina, taa nav mana vaina, taa nav neviena vaina. so ja es gribu iztureeties pret cilveekiem as my real self, tad man pret vinjiem ir jaaizturas ar 100% sapratni un respektu, tieshi taapat kaa man buutu veelams iztureeties pret sevi un jebko kas eksistee paaulee, jo nekas nav labaaks par kaut ko citu.

un ir ljoti gruuti iztureeties pret cilveekiem ar 100% sapratni, dziivojot visaadu conditioned konceptu pasaulee. like ir gruuti iztureeties pretimnaakoshi un atveerti, lai arii tas ir vieniigais veids, kaa var nodibinaat to saikni ar otru cilveeku, kas ir nepiecieshama prieksh effortless komunikaacijas un mijiedarbiibas.

all this vienkaarshi prieksh paardomaam, kas tad ir tas iistais veids kaa tu iztureetos pret cilveekiem, ja vareetu?

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french_mime on May 11th, 2016 - 11:36 pm

I think I approach it in a more egotistical way. If I was real with them, I would ask about the things that I am interested in, asked them real life related questions, empathised with them when I felt empathy, expressed joy when I felt it, expressed sadness when I felt it, expressed anger when I felt it, didn't ask them questions when I am not interested or tired of human interaction, would not have to do pretense conversations. Piemēram, katru reizi, kad kāds britu cilvēks man pajautā how are you (unless we are close friends), immediately I must bend to the social construct and say that I am fine and ask them how they are, un man ir jānēsā tā priecīgā easygoing maska, that's when I become so inauthentic unreal and absurd that I could literally be anyone, tas ir tas brīdis, kad any honest mutual sharing becomes impossible un mani piespiež nēsāt cilvēka šablonu, nevis ļauj izpaust savu momentary state. Tāpēc es nevienam to nejautāju, ja vien es neesmu patiesi ieinteresēta, which makes me unfit for socialisation because people think I am cold and distant and by the time I do ask them we are already strangers so they do not want to share because I did not ask it on the hundreds of instances when I preferred to talk about more specific things.

Es domāju, ka nav jāizturas pretīmnākoši when you don't feel like that, it is exhausting and you might start to resent people that way.

Basically es izturētos pret cilvēkiem tā, kad esmu piedzērusies ballītē un eju pīppauzē, just talking about interesting things and sharing and being together when the moment feels right.

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methodrone on May 11th, 2016 - 11:51 pm

jaa es saprotu, bet i often find, ka 'it doesn't feel right' because i don't give it a chance to develop while i'm attached to grasping at some concept of how i'm feeling at that present moment. and if only i could forget about myself and focus on those people, then i suddenly push through and some gate opens and this perfect interaction unfolds. but i don't wanna forget about myself. un shis ir tas kas peec tam saap, jo lai tiktu pie shiis effortless interakcijas 1) ir forcefully jaaizmirst par sevi 2) jaaziedo savi koncepti par to kaa tu juuties un kas esi 3) uz briidi, liidz atveras tie mistiskie vaarti jaaiziet no savas komfortzonas - un shis viss prieksh kam? tu vienkaarshi nezini. bet if you don't do it you feel isolated and shit

my point is, jaa visas komunikaacijas saakas ar devu awkwardness, un ja tu pie taa awkwardness apstaajies un pasaki 'i can't do this this is shit i will lose it and despise myself and those people if i have to continue this convo' tad it sets a pattern for all your future interactions i think, and that's it for you then. bet ja tu push through, tad pat briizhos, kad tev shkjiet ka tev pohuj un negribas runaat, technically ir iespeejama effortless un engaging komunikaacija pat ar visgarlaiciigaako pasaules cilveeku, jo eventually katraa cilveekaa ir kaut kas twisted and unexpected un interesants, tam tikai ir gruuti noticeet before you go all in and follow those steps. es domaaju issue sheit ir nevis vai tas ir iespeejams or whatnot, bet prieksh kam? kur visas shiis komunikaacijas muus noved? ko vinjas nozimee?

bet jaa, like, katra sincere runaashana ar cilveekiem man gandriiz fiziski shkjiet painful or disturbing in a way, either its too wonderful to deal and i don't know what it means, vai arii it makes you constantly push aside your selfishness and ignorant parts of your mind

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french_mime on May 12th, 2016 - 01:28 am

I love runāšana but ur right you cannot get to that without bearing fakeness, it is so so tru. Also, I don't know what is fake in other, I have found that the people I have found to be incredibly fake initially turn out to be really sincere and lovely once you get to know them and you realise that they just have this persona but everybody does.

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methodrone on May 12th, 2016 - 09:22 pm

jaa everybody has a 'persona' and by maintaining ours they will maintain theirs and vice versa, true communication takes two. man dazhreiz shkjiet, ka mes varam pa iistam sarunaaties tikai kaut kaa determineeti ar tiem cilveekiem un tajaas situaacijas for which we are ripe

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