koi ([info]koi) rakstīja,
@ 2020-02-18 13:43:00

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Garastāvoklis: confused
Mūzika:sunrise by simply red

insomnia
l'oiseau

just read through some of my previous posts, and one said that my sleep schedule is so fucked that i have to use all the sleep i can get, which is true right now as well. it had gotten better whilst i was back home in latvia, but now i'm struggling with insomnia every single night without fail. i even took some supplements with valerian root extract to help me sleep, and when i ran out of those i got some magnesium tablets which should also help with fatigue and sleep, but still, every night is a struggle. i wasn't tired until 2 am tonight, so i did some studying, but i still needed at least an hour to fall asleep, so i'm guessing i eventually drifted off at around 3 am and woke up at fucking 1 pm. can't shake off the feeling that most of the day has been wasted already. whilst in the toilet i started thinking about the pressure society and sometimes even certain individuals put on us, even if they don't realize it. currently i'm in an environment full of mostly 18-20 year olds who all like to party and go to clubs more than once a week (okay, not all of them, but the vast majority). so even though no one has directly confronted me about not going to clubs, i still fell judged? as in, for example, my flatmates give off the vibe that they think i am lame and totally not "fun". sometimes i wonder what they think of me and what i do with my time, whether i have friends etc., but most of the time i couldn't care less about their opinions, and i truly mean it. i have practically nothing in common with them, so i don't even see the point of making any small talk, if it's crystal clear none of us really care about what the other person did over the weekend etc. i guess what i'm getting at is i feel this underlying pressure to do what most people do, to conform, which i guess stems from me wanting to fit in during middle school. because here i even stand out with the way i dress (with my blue and green coat and super colourful socks), which is just funny to me, because that to me isn't "standing out" material. i also sometimes have the fear of missing out, like, what if i regret all this later? not going to clubs and having pres and afters with these people? because as of right now this stuff doesn't interest me the slightest, and i feel like i don't have to go to a club to know that i would not enjoy that environment. i prefer smaller, quiet bars where you can have genuine conversations with people over some gin&tonic, instead of being in a venue filled with hundreds of people where mostly shit music is being blasted and there's a lot of drunk creeps. have to admit - sometimes i crave the attention of guys so much that i wouldn't even mind being hit on by some drunk dude at the bar or even uhh groped, which *i know* shouldn't be happening and it is sexual assault, but sometimes i AM that desperate. BUT not desperate enough to actually go to a club and have this happen to me, so... not that bad, i guess? this post is a mess, i better go do some productive stuff while i still have a tiny bit of motivation left



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[info]french_mime
2020-02-18 16:32 (saite)
Man shkjiet, ja negribaas iet un socializeeties, tad nevajag. Bet es veeljoprojaam ar nostaljgjiju atceros taas studentu klubu balliites, kopaa ar cilveekiem, kas nav iisti draugi, un ar garlaiciigo dejoshanu pie questionable muuzikas un dzeerieniem, vinjaas tomeer bija kaut kas forshs.

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[info]koi
2020-02-18 17:11 (saite)
see, šī ir tieši tā problēma, es nezinu, kā lai saprot, vai tiešām nebūšu kaut ko svarīgu palaidusi garām, neejot uz tiem tusiem. bet, no otras puses, man nemaz nav kompānijas, ar ko iet, un viena es toč neietu. pagaidām turpināšu sēdēt bārā ar filozofiem :D

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