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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in koi's LiveJournal:

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    Wednesday, October 14th, 2020
    10:01 pm

    so, i think i am finally on the right path. for the past week and a half (or so) i've been keeping myself busy with running various errands and meeting friends, and also taking time for myself. i finally read a book for myself for the first time in like seven months! that felt really good. i've been preparing for uni as well, sending various e-mails and arranging things. i've been seeing angel numbers everywhere, for example, this post showed the date and time full of 2's. i think it is all a sign that i am doing things right and everything is falling into place.
    regarding uni, i've got a room ready for the time i arrive, no matter when that will be. and, i will be living with my friend chris and one other person, which is so good for me (i value my privacy and time alone very much, and living with just two other people sounds perfect to me). the house is incredibly nice and it is very close to the campus, the town centre and various stores, so it is all looking good.
    this week i met up with luna's bf A for the first time (like, just the two of us). it went incredibly alright, i realized we both had been quite similar people in the past, and we've both arrived at the same conclusions at similar times in our lives.
    i am continuing this on the fourteenth of october. i think i started this post on the 22nd of september, so quite a while ago. some things have happened, some have changed. it is funny how everything was going so well, then i went to see my therapist to kind of have a checkpoint, and then everything started spiralling back down again. i am so surprisingly calm about all the uni work i have not done, it is almost scary. like, i am at least two weeks behind on everything but i know i will figure it out, like i always do.
    i am still seeing angel numbers and somehow i feel like everything is still happening the way it should. i have not seen any of my friends for 3 days now, which may not seem like a lot, but i am used to meeting at least one person every day. i think i want to stay in my tiny cave for as long as i can. that might mean i would have to reject offers (much like i did today), but i am honestly not phased. i kind of want to distance myself from everyone, especially P. soon we are going to hit a 2 week aniversary of him not listening to my 30 something minute audio (more like a podcast, haha). i try not to think about it but deep down it stings a bit.
    i think i have to start to accept that no emotion is permanent. like obviously i am always chasing joy and happiness, like many people, but i always get upset when it fades, although that is how all emotions work, they appear temporarily and then get replaced by something else. i just wish i had more control over them, sometimes i feel like i let my life be completely dictated by emotions. i do have logic obviously, but it just cannot fight the emotions and their strength. i am sick of feeling like i am back to square one every time i have a relapse, even if it is not a very serious one. i was just hoping that the high would last for a bit longer, but oh well.
    since this post was started i have lowkey developed a nicotine addiction, and right now i am working on taming it, whilst i still can. it is funny, there are so many reasons i could be feeling down right now, and one of them could be nicotine withdrawal. i am generally trying to limit everything "bad" for my body (like caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, green stuff and O), and i can easily say that limiting nicotine is the hardest. i am kind of scared that if i have like a breakdown i will turn to substance abuse as a coping mechanism.
    i guess my biggest problem right now is uni and my lack of motivation for it. i do not know how to change it. hopefully an answer comes soon.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: it was a good day by ice cube
    Saturday, June 6th, 2020
    9:49 pm
    crazy times

    i do not even know what i want to say. so many things have happened and/or changed since i came home, which was the 24th of march. the most significant date has to be the 14th of may - the day when my boy best friend of 7 years confessed his feelings for me, and also the day i confessed my feelings to another boy i have known for about 3 years (but he has been my friend for a year). at first, it felt like a complete mess. i cried multiple times during that day, mainly because i was (and am) so scared of losing my best friend. i believe he experiences quite strong feelings (judging from past experience, when he had a crush on luna for literal years). for me it is a bit different, i knew i was safe to confess my feelings for that other boy because i knew i would be rejected (it was very obvious) and i have dealt with rejection quite often, whilst he has friend zoned multiple girls, so it kind of worked out between us and there has been no awkwardness whatsoever, we just discussed it that one evening and moved on. however, with my best friend it was different, i did not see him for two weeks (and between all that the boy i have a crush on had a big birthday party (which my best friend also attended), it was a bit awkward then because my best friend practically avoided me). i could just use their initials i guess. the best friend is J, whilst the one i have a crush on is P. when i finally met J, things seemed fine, but he had changed quite noticeably, his behaviour seemed rather reckless (very unusual of him) and it felt like he was trying to lock himself up so he would not feel vulnerable/emotional. it just hurt a bit, seeing a somewhat different person in front of me, he changed so much in just two weeks. i do not know how things will work out in the long term, i think it could be fine after some time, but right now i am still very unsure of our future.
    since i came home i have tried mdma once and edibles twice (can definitely say i prefer mdma, although brownies were good, too). i had a half of a brownie this thursday and amongst all that laughter, hapiness and fun i kept having some kind of 'reality checks', like i was just full heartedly laughing and suddenly felt like it was just so fake, that the laughter was artifical and somehow not real (i guess i might have felt like this since i am just going through yet another low period). i do not know, it just felt like i was almost dependent on all these substances or whatever to just have fun, and i am scared of it. i feel like day by day i understand addicts more and more, and i do not mean it in a way that i can see myself becoming one, no, i just understand why they would want to escape from this reality.
    i also had to do 6 exams amongst all this, and i thought i would feel relieved once they had passed, but truth be told i just feel hollow and empty, like there is no real purpose for me now. i mean, i will probably look for a job, but it all feels so pointless. maybe it is just pms and other things that are making me feel this low. yesterday i met up with J, my sister and two other friends, and i was right, it was not as good as it is with P, by that i mean it was not as fun, i felt kind of bored, like there was nothing to do. we went to bed quite early (1 am, we tend to stay up until like 4 usually with P) and i just felt really meh, the alcohol did not hit at all and i had more, i just did not want it suddenly, it felt like there was no point in drinking. am i really that dependent on his presence? am i? it is just so miserable, i thought i felt like he had no power over me, and yet here i am, just craving the tiniest piece of attention, stalking his spotify to see if he is listening to something he showed me/a song he really likes et cetera, it is just sooo pathetic...
    i get these random urges to start doing something, to finally focus on myself and self-improvement, but i just cannot bring myself to actually do anything, i just waste endless hours on tiktok literally every day. i feel a bit hopeless. i have seen my therapist three times since i came here, and i always leave feeling very good and positive, but it wears out so fast. i just want to be happy. i read some of my posts from a year ago, and some of them mentioned wanting a relationship, a close person i could love and who would love me too, and nothing has changed. i just sometimes feel so unloveable. yes, i know that like at least 3 guys have had a crush on me, but i just seem to attract the wrong type (it actually seems like there is a certain theme with all these three guys). i know i do not need attention from practically any male, i know i am better than that, but sometimes the craving is almost unbearable. i keep dreaming about hugging guys/kissing them, and i just wake up feeling so lonely. i sort of understand that i am probably not even in the right place mentally for a relationship, but when will i ever be? i just feel so doomed. my therapist said i was ready for a relationship in her opinion, but truth be told, it is so hard for me to develop a serious crush that it seems like a relationship is not ready for me. it really takes me weeks/months of getting to know someone and spending time with them, and only after quite significant time has passed and i feel like i somewhat know their personality do i develop a crush (i guess i am demi).
    everything seems to be a mess. i do not know how happiness feels like anymore, i think if someone asked me when was the last time i felt genuinely happy i would not know what to answer, because i really do not know. happiness under influence seems somewhat fake. but oh, do i crave it. i guess the only thing i am looking forward to these days (as usual) is spending time with friends, both with some of them individually and in a bigger group. also, i am kind of fed up with being an ambivert. i feel like i am not as introverted as i used to be, but i am also too shy to be extroverted. i want to jump around and dance and sing, but i am often too shy or i do not have enough energy and social battery for it, and it sucks. i feel jealous of the people who can party for 12 hours and do absolute jackshit, even though i know it is not for me. they just seem so careless, whilst i am always stuck in my head, overthinking... make it stop.
    my therapist told me i have to stop trying to change people and 'save' them. i know she is right, but it is just so hard to step down and be just a friend and accept people the way they are (certain people, i do not have this problem with everyone). i just see things people could improve in themselves, and i want them to do it, but they rarely do (what a surprise, right?). i also see how two people could improve their relationship, and i almost feel like it is my duty to help them, even though it is not! i have to remind myself that constantly. just let go. let them be. it is not your business.
    will i ever truly love myself? there are good days and bad days, but generally it has always been the same. i just cannot, i cannot deal with myself and i do not have the energy to change anything, so i am essentially just stuck in a neverending loop of self hatred. probably that is one of the reasons i cannot attract people, no one likes insecure people. i guess i am digging my own hole here. it is almost like i want myself to suffer, isnt that just sick? like, i would never harm myself, but i have many other self destructive behaviours. have i improved at all?

    Current Mood: disappointed
    Current Music: mind is a prison by alec benjamin
    Monday, April 13th, 2020
    1:55 pm

    so, i haven't typed up anything in a while. things were going pretty normal up until mid march i think, when the whole covid thing really started to go down. i think the two weeks prior to march 24th were probably the most stressful in my life, because i had to fix about a hundred problems with university and other stuff so that i could come back to latvia. in the end everything somehow worked out, and i made it back safe and sound. i got my dad's one bedroom flat for a bit more than two weeks so i could self-isolate. i actually enjoyed that time quite a bit, turns out i really, really do need privacy and i value it a lot. i guess that explains why i always stayed up late when i lived with my mum and sister before moving to uni because they went to bed somewhat early and then i was free to do whatever. also during my time at dad's flat friends came to visit me multiple times, sometimes i talked to them through my kitchen window, other times i met them in the backyard and when the isolation thing ended they came to the flat as well. i was sad to leave the flat yesterday since it is located in a very convenient spot and it would have been a great place for small parties. that flat has some great memories for me now. last week i tried out two things i had never done before. have to say, i am quite delighted with myself for even being brave enough to try them. me from a few years ago would never be able to even imagine herself doing stuff i can easily do now, not even to mention the things i tried recently. also, the experience was amazing, so yes, as i said, i am glad i didn't pussy out of it. last thing i want to mention i guess - fuck feelings. fuck vulnerability. i am messed up when it comes to this, the whole time i thought i wasn't wearing a mask, but goddamn was i wrong. i protect myself from pain due to rejection by just being mean because i can't stand the thought of someone rejecting me if i've only ever been nice to them. i think i also have trust issues since i seriously cannt believe that some people care about me, even though their actions show it. and, no matter how much i also want to show i care, all that comes out is just teasing and sarcasm and mild bullying. it is as if though i was so afraid of showing how actually vulnerable and emotional i am. i do not want people to know how much power they have over me because it is so scary. sometimes the smallest action from certain people has SO MUCH impact on me, it shouldn't be like this. but i also don't want to change anything, in a way? i like having deep emotions and caring about people, even with all the pain that comes with it. this time around i am just so afraid of getting hurt massively. for now everything is fine and i mostly experience positive emotions, but i think it was friday when i realized that a certain person basically holds my heart in their hand. and that is truly frightening. i am unsure of what to do. i don't even know what i actually want from them. this is very complicated. and on top of that, my crushes from england have completely died down! what do i make of this? jeez.

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: blinding lights by the weeknd
    Sunday, February 23rd, 2020
    1:51 am

    sleep schedule is still fucked, i mean, it is almost 2 am and i don't feel tired yet. monday will be oh so great because i will have to get up at 7:30, yay me. i just came back from a walk, spontaneously wanted to leave the house, so i did. very peaceful in a way (minus paranoia of being followed), the streets were practically empty. i got up at 2 pm today, which is literally just 12 hours ago, which would explain why i don't feel sleepy. today was also my sister's 15th birthday, chatted to her for about an hour, which was good, our conversations are literally the craziest and randomest bullshit ever, but at least we are laughing almost to the point of crying. when i think about it, it is kind of weird not to be around her on her birthday. after sharing the same room every day for about 14 years it's still sometimes unusual to not wake up with her just 2 metres away. i have caught myself whispering "to her" (in reality i was in my empty room here in halls) in that half asleep, half awake state, which shows my subconscious is still living my old life to some extent. anyway i am just glad i don't feel sad or as if i was as far away as i actually am. time is going by fast enough, and in about 5 weeks i will be back home for some time. the social media thing didn't work out that well today, i did use it from time to time, but i found it much easier to limit myself. i got quite a bit done today, spent the first half of the day going over presentations and making notes for my cinema module, then read an interview and revised everything in preparation for an online test. took the test about two hours ago, got 96%, which is very good. i found the revision process quite peaceful, maybe because i actually enjoy learning this stuff and it doesn't feel like a chore. however, tomorrow i have to work on french and i have been putting it off for god knows how long, and i really don't want to do it mainly because i'm so uncertain about the whole process and how to approach it. hopefully i will just be able to sit down and get it done. i can already tell it would take so much stress off of my shoulders. fingers crossed everything goes well! the depressive episode is in some kind of transition state i think, because i was able to get work done today, it's just that i am still very much isolated from everyone and want to remain that way. not to even mention the mess that is my sleep. i guess i'll try to read something extremely boring (looking at you, history...) in hopes that it will make me exhausted and my eyes will just shut and i won't have to trash around in my bed for 2 hours like last night. i'm staying positive.

    Current Mood: optimistic
    Current Music: satellite by lena
    Friday, February 21st, 2020
    12:27 am
    quick thought

    can't get something my mum said out of my head. it was actually a while ago, in the beginning of january, when i came back to reading after being home for almost a month and had a massive relapse and breakdown. my mum said she wanted me to fulfill my dream of studying abroad and studying something i love (languages), so she said if i am feeling so low i should just drop out and come back to latvia and study there (since i was feeling so depressed here). with bitter irony i told her that i will not be truly happy anywhere. i think it is something she will never fully understand. i have depression and anxiety. whilst i do feel more or less fine most of the time, i do get relapses which make me feel horrible and like everything is worthless and there is no point in going on. but it is not determined by where i am studying. if i came home, i would still get relapses, just in latvia. i would still be depressed and anxious, just home. it does not matter where i am. i will never be permanently happy, in fact, how could anyone be? she does not understand that it is not this place causing my relapses. it is everything and nothing. this is my life. you cannot cure depression and anxiety, you can just lessen the symptoms. there is no protection against the next breakdown. you can just know it will come and you will get through it. and then the next one will inevitably come, but it is okay. you will come out a little bit stronger each time. you will learn to cope better with each year. i will have depression no matter what i study, or where, with friends and family around me or without them, with a partner or without. that is my life. and i know it, and i am fine with it. yet she does not fully understand, and i doubt she ever will. hell, she thinks i am just lazy. lazy... you think losing all passion in life, even in the things you love, is you being lazy? fucking hell, it makes me want to laugh, really, it is so absurd. can't she see it comes together with like, 5 other symptoms? to name a few of them - insomnia/constant fatigue, being easily irritated, fucked diet, loneliness but at the same time wanting to isolate self from everyone. and she has the audacity to just call me lazy and say that i do not care about anything and i am just wasting the money she is paying so that i could be here... mum, you realize that i hate myself for being like this, don't you? you realize that i know how absurd this is? but i cannot break out of it. this relapse is smaller though, thank god. just... i wish she could understand.

    Current Mood: frustrated
    Current Music: lost on you by lp
    Thursday, February 20th, 2020
    11:01 pm

    my whole life i have been sharing what's on my mind with friends and family. i have never been silent about my struggles and problems, yet i always feel like it's never enough. no matter how much i talk, there's always more. hence this blog. and twitter as well, and sometimes even facebook. i just feel like there's so many things in my head and i have to get them out somewhere. i wonder if i am just an oversharer? like, why can't i just shut up and keep at least some stuff to myself? i just want to share, share, share. although i have to say, i have no problems with listening to others, in fact, i am quite keen on what they have to say and what is going on in their lives, it's just that i also have so much to share that some of it ends up on here and other platforms, sometimes because i don't want to bother anyone. i know i am generally not a burden, but i also know it can get exhausting listening to someone's thoughts and problems all the time.
    yesterday i went to a lecture about shearwaters (a type of sea bird), and it was just so fascinating. it makes me so sad that i have so many interests i would like to pursue - philosophy, psychology, mythology, theatre, literature, linguistics, cinema, languages, culture studies, i also quite like animals and thus, zoology, space is very cool as well (astronomy), and this isn't even the end of the list-, yet i cannot even make myself focus on one of them. i am going through a mild/moderate depressive episode again (i think), meaning i can't find joy in anything and can't make myself do things i usually enjoy. this life is already too short to do everything we want, and yet here i am, unable to do anything useful. god, i hate depression. i know it will get better in a bit, but when you're actually experiencing a low point, it feels like you just won't be able to get out of it. the worst one lately was about a month ago, when i started to consider dropping out of uni. thankfully i got my shit together, and it's not that bad now, but i just don't know. i feel myself wanting to isolate from everyone completely (which usually happens when i am already feeling quite lonely). i haven't spoken to anyone in real life in almost a week (i do call my family and friends every day), and honestly i just wish it could stay like this. i am enjoying the solitude too much. i know it's not healthy for me in the long run, because i will inevitably want to enter hermit mode and not see or speak to anyone at all. have to find some sort of balance. haven't seen either of the two crushes i have in about two weeks, and it's the same thing as usual - the longer i don't see someone i have a crush on, the less i care about them. oh, but it will all come crushing down when i will inevitably see them next week or the week after that. fun times.

    Current Mood: numb
    Current Music: lovin' you by minnie riperton
    8:22 pm

    it is quite general knowledge to most people i know that at my best i am quite spontaneous and love to do things and make plans randomly. this is why sometimes when everything feels dull here in reading, i go for walks without any previous planning (as in, one second i am sitting in front of my computer and the next i am putting my coat on). i wish i would go for walks during the night more often, but the truth is i usually am in that weird half tired/half awake state and cannot be bothered to get up and actually leave the house. also i almost always find some real excuse for me to go for a walk (such as - have to return this book at the library, have to buy some milk etc), because i somehow always feel at least a tiny bit guilty if i go outside without any real purpose. another reason i like walks so much is because then i can listen to music guilt-free, because if i am in my room jamming to something, inevitably i am not getting any work done, BUT, if i am outside and walking, obviously i can't work, do you see my point here? actually the reason i wanted to make this post was to say that i have spontaneously decided to quit all social media for 24 hours (including whatsapp, which meant i had to inform my mum about this, otherwise she would freak out when i wouldn't reply). i just suddenly realized that i have been on my phone scrolling through the same 4 apps for days now, when i should have been studying. i am somewhat curious to see how my mind will react and what i will inevitably end up doing (even though it's going to be my choice obviously, it still feels almost like someone else will make it, that someone else being my suddenly not-constantly-overstimulated mind). for the time being, i plan on going for a semi-late walk with the main objective being obtaining a monster energy drink/s and some snacks maybe. will report how these next 24 hours pass sometime soon.

    Current Mood: curious
    Current Music: superstition by stevie wonder
    Tuesday, February 18th, 2020
    11:30 pm
    How funny it is to look back at what I’ve said before. I got into university, but problems always arise, don’t they? For the first time ever I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and at the same time the most (sad? disappointed? hurt? ). My head is like a battlefield, it’s hard to change ones mindset, I’ve done it before, so I would know, but god it’s like one part of my brain wants to put me down and the other is trying to be kind and I just don’t know what to listen to, because it is so easy to shit on my skills and the things I do.
    Fuck perfectionism, how can you be so mean. I honestly cannot wait for the next step to finally come, I just am sick of everything. At the same time I’m very confused, because in a way I love my current school, and now that I feel a little better I again don’t understand why I complain, I’m telling you it’s like a constant battle between two very different opinions. Maybe I do keep too much to myself, mainly because I’m writing this after I had a long and heartwarming talk with my mum and now I don’t feel any urge to complain, I even have energy despite the fact that it’s half past eleven and by now my overthinking would have lead me to mental and physical exhaustion. I often wonder what made me this way, why is it so hard to open up?
    But to end this on a better note, people please talk to someone, it really does make everything better, because you are finally forced out of your head for once. Yes, the 8 year old me probably never imagined that studying art can bring so many mental problems, god dammit. Sometimes it sucks to know and understand, but if I step back a bit, I did it. I achieved the goals I had set for me 12 years ago when I started studying the beautiful world of academic art. I should be proud and I think in some way I am.
    My value hasn’t been lost.
    *I’m stepping back into the real world where homework is calling me.*
    Love, luna.

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: fingers crossed - Billie Eilish
    1:43 pm

    just read through some of my previous posts, and one said that my sleep schedule is so fucked that i have to use all the sleep i can get, which is true right now as well. it had gotten better whilst i was back home in latvia, but now i'm struggling with insomnia every single night without fail. i even took some supplements with valerian root extract to help me sleep, and when i ran out of those i got some magnesium tablets which should also help with fatigue and sleep, but still, every night is a struggle. i wasn't tired until 2 am tonight, so i did some studying, but i still needed at least an hour to fall asleep, so i'm guessing i eventually drifted off at around 3 am and woke up at fucking 1 pm. can't shake off the feeling that most of the day has been wasted already. whilst in the toilet i started thinking about the pressure society and sometimes even certain individuals put on us, even if they don't realize it. currently i'm in an environment full of mostly 18-20 year olds who all like to party and go to clubs more than once a week (okay, not all of them, but the vast majority). so even though no one has directly confronted me about not going to clubs, i still fell judged? as in, for example, my flatmates give off the vibe that they think i am lame and totally not "fun". sometimes i wonder what they think of me and what i do with my time, whether i have friends etc., but most of the time i couldn't care less about their opinions, and i truly mean it. i have practically nothing in common with them, so i don't even see the point of making any small talk, if it's crystal clear none of us really care about what the other person did over the weekend etc. i guess what i'm getting at is i feel this underlying pressure to do what most people do, to conform, which i guess stems from me wanting to fit in during middle school. because here i even stand out with the way i dress (with my blue and green coat and super colourful socks), which is just funny to me, because that to me isn't "standing out" material. i also sometimes have the fear of missing out, like, what if i regret all this later? not going to clubs and having pres and afters with these people? because as of right now this stuff doesn't interest me the slightest, and i feel like i don't have to go to a club to know that i would not enjoy that environment. i prefer smaller, quiet bars where you can have genuine conversations with people over some gin&tonic, instead of being in a venue filled with hundreds of people where mostly shit music is being blasted and there's a lot of drunk creeps. have to admit - sometimes i crave the attention of guys so much that i wouldn't even mind being hit on by some drunk dude at the bar or even uhh groped, which *i know* shouldn't be happening and it is sexual assault, but sometimes i AM that desperate. BUT not desperate enough to actually go to a club and have this happen to me, so... not that bad, i guess? this post is a mess, i better go do some productive stuff while i still have a tiny bit of motivation left

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: sunrise by simply red
    Saturday, February 15th, 2020
    10:04 pm

    lately i've been feeling like i'm so desperate for attention, especially from these two specific males. been finding myself so close to posting some stupid shit on facebook just in hopes that they would see it and maybe even like my post... it's just pathetic. yesterday was valentine's day, which made me feel a thousand times more lonely than usual. i guess everyone has gone home for the reading week, so the halls are very quiet, but this also means that i feel incredibly alone. i know i should focus on myself and studies, since there is so much i should and could read, and yet here i am, thinking about guys who don't want me. i'm not saying i'm having an existential crisis...or am i? i genuinely cannot figure out why on earth no one likes me. do people just not like personality and authenticity? or maybe i am too much? or too shy, too introverted? or maybe i am cool as heck and people think i am out of their league? these fucking questions keep me up at night, every night. i don't even need to be in a relationship with either of these guys, i wish they could at least be good friends of mine, but since neither of them have ever asked me to hang out (it's always my initiative), i think i am officially giving up. of course i will still be head over heels for them when i meet them in person again, but i guess i have to start to slowly accept the fact that they just don't fancy me. just how? when will i finally find someone? this doesn't do good for my already low self esteem. i guess if i somehow ended up in a relationship, i'd be pretty distracted from my studies, but, truth be told, i am distracted anyway because i keep imagining unrealistic scenarios and obsessing over the guys. this is so sad, really. i wonder if they are aware that i like them, i'm guessing yes, because i've been pretty blunt. and maybe that's the reason they don't like me? maybe i appeared too interested too fast? fucks sake, what is my miserable life. have to accept my inevitably lonely life.

    Current Mood: sad
    Current Music: stumblin' in by chris norman & suzi quatro
    Sunday, January 12th, 2020
    9:19 pm

    fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. i am so mad at myself. please can i just not exist for a bit? or stop time? i do not even feel any panic coming up about the assignments i have not done. i am doing literally anything but studying. i do not think it has ever been this bloody bad. people keep saying "just start" and some other bullshit like that, but what do you mean, just start?? i literally have the attention span of a three year old, i pick up the book and put it down like a minute later. also i am exhausted. literally did this to myself, got no one to blame. this is borderline self harm, by that i mean obviously i am stressed, will not sleep tonight practically at all because i have to do the assignment etc. have been eating shit food as well. why am i like this? what the fuck is wrong with me? help.

    Current Mood: crushed
    Current Music: worlds away by lil peep
    Wednesday, January 1st, 2020
    12:15 pm

    so. it is a new year. and i am feeling rather low and depressed. i think it has been building up slowly over the past week or so. might have started when i had a long conversation with sister, cried and realized how shitty things are. could be worse, but anyway. also have had arguments with mum, so i feel like everything is more or less fucked up. in the last 27 hours i have slept for about an hour, and i am running on multiple energy drinks right now. feel kind of shit, might just type this up and go to bed. today i had the last straw with a friend, i feel so fucking under valued that i cannot put up with this shit anymore. feels like i am putting in way too much effort and getting nothing back. might sound selfish, but a friendship should have effort from both sides. i know i am guilty myself of fucking this dynamic up with other friends, but this one friendship is just too much, i am getting so bloody angry and i feel like i care a lot and it hurts me, but at the same time i feel like i have no problem with just telling him to fuck off completely (well, almost completely)? i do not know how to act. i wanted to send him an audio message and explain everything calmly, because i feel like i cannot have a normal conversation with him about all this in real life. fuck this. also talked with luna, i just feel like i am fucking up the friendship with her as well, everything is just a bloody mess. i do not want to exist. everything is too much. all these meetings with friends were in a way just escapism from these goddamned thoughts. and now here they fucking are. i just feel like a dissappointment to myself. a year and a half of therapy, and i feel like i am back at the starting point (not literally). i am hurt but at the same time i do not somehow care? i cannot explain this. feels like "ah yes, everything went to shit, just as i have been expecting, because i am obviously unworthy of good things and am just a screw up, time to go rot in a cave". i hate being in this dark place. i am so messed up that i end up caring more about people who do not matter as much and forgetting those who do. i cannot appreciate what i already have. i am such a mess. i hate everything. why cannot i just sleep and sleep and sleep? i do not want to face the reality and the world. again i am ranting about my bloody problems. and i have just covered the tip of the iceberg here. goddamn. i have to become more independent. fuck the others. when will i be able to focus on myself finally? who the fuck knows.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: shiver by coldplay
    Sunday, December 22nd, 2019
    3:55 pm
    I might have offended some people by not writing here. The truth is it’s kinda hard, and not only because I’ve been busy, but for a person who takes risks I’m really cowardly.
    The thought of the fact that my current emotions stay here forever is scary. What do I even write here? If I voice my doubts about life and university they seemingly become more real. Today I read an article about a woman who felt like she would never have a relationship because of how emotionally guarded she was, and for the first time I felt like I’m not the only one like this on the planet, everything she said perfectly described my own life. But I also feel like I’ve grown so much and moved on already from the worst of it. I finally feel like there is space for romantic attraction in my brain, but actually taking chances will ask for a lot of courage. I need a reminder to not run away.
    l’oiseau told me she would try to do that. I hope I get into some university, truth be told I don’t know what I will do if I don’t. I feel like my time here for this period in my life has ended, I need to go, I need to learn and grow. I need to move. I’m both excited for the future and afraid, because for the first time in my life I don’t know what will happen.
    Everything will change no matter what. I think I can do this, but growing up is scary, I never understood how scary it actually is until I had to do it. Once some time ago I sat and thought of the people in my life and I understood that for the first time ever I don’t even wanna meet new people or make new connections, because I felt like nothing could ever be better than what I already have. I felt like I might move to UK and just isolate myself. But then again I know it’s not the right thing to do. In some way I believe part of my journey here is to just show people that kindness and love exists and I don’t want to block out anybody.
    This is a very long talk, and I have to leave now. I will be back,I promise!
    Love, Luna.

    Current Mood: blank
    Current Music: Vow by TENDER
    10:44 am
    some thoughts

    so, i have been home for a week now. which means there are a bit more than 2 weeks left. i have been seeing at least one friend every day for the past 7 days, which i think is something of a personal record almost. we have had a few gatherings as well (i think two could be counted as such), and it has been just...so much fun. the other day i opened up reading fess and there was a post which said that this person had been home for a week and had had more fun than in their 3 months in reading and they are dreading the time when they will have to go back. i have to say i can relate to some extent, because there have been a few times when i felt very very low at uni and just got absolutely wasted by myself. i am glad i have not been thinking about ross "that much", and i think i will be able to hold out and not send him a single message whilst i am home. that man is just unreal, i literally sometimes cannot believe that he exists and that i managed to somehow meet him. if shit does not work out, i hope we can at least be friends, because the fact that we met somehow feels like destiny. i can just feel this unexplainable energy between us...it feels like a dream. i am just so, so afraid of somehow screwing everything up, but i feel like this just has to work out some way, somehow. there has been conversation over me coming home for the spring break as well and i am already getting too hyped up over this, although nothing has been confirmed yet. completely unrelated, but my sister also came to a party on friday, and i am quite proud of her, she actually put herself out there and interacted with people, danced etc. it was genuinely a very, very good time, and i am very much looking forward to the new year's party. my alterous crush is overwhelming me right now and it is just starting to piss me off to be honest. sometimes i feel like i have so many alterous crushes or whatever that it is just too much, but this one i was aware of before and i thought it would die down but hoo boy, it is back. and i think it is equally as strong as before, if not stronger. ah, fuck my life. wish i could just turn off feelings for once. back to reading talk - i have experienced quite a lot of ghosting since i came there, i think about 7 or 8 people in total have ignored me or just not made any plans with me when they said they would. it has left me wondering whether it has something to do with me as a person or just that they are all young (my age lol) and think that ignoring someone completely is acceptable? because i personally think that this kind of actions just screams that you are immature. postgrads usually do not do shit like that, that is why i prefer them, and i think they can also understand me better and vice versa. this whole ghosting thing bothered me a whole lot for a bit, but now i have just decided to focus on the people i think i actually care about, which is just ross and linda. and, to be fair, if i start working next term, then i will not even be able to hang out with people too often anyway. i think after these three weeks of socializing i will need a break anyway. but i cannot wait to see ross. i wonder if i should be concerned that i am not thinking about him that much, because does that maybe imply that i only care a lot when i am actually able to see him? but then again, i literally saw a philosophy related book at the store and just bought it instantly because i want to get more educated in philosophy so i could have better conversations with him...yeah. i am confusion. i can feel that i have changed to at least some extent during those three months in reading. i feel good though, i think i have grown as a person and have started to become more independent and responsible. i am glad that i talked to my friends a lot on discord, because i feel like i have not been left out and i know most of the things that have happened whilst i was gone. overall i would say i am not dreading going back to reading since i really love the place, i am just a bit scared how everything will go with ross and in general. i hope i have got things ahead of me. l'oiseau out

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: sunflower, vol.6 by harry styles
    Sunday, November 10th, 2019
    12:13 am

    have to keep on typing shit up here whilst i still have the mood to do so. i slept until like 12:30 pm today (wanted to get up at 6 am lmao), but i am glad i did that, because i finally felt at least somewhat refreshed. procrastinated for a few hours, but finally at around 3 pm i was just like - eh, might as well start the assignment? like, at least attempt the intro. in the end i sat there until i finished the whole thing, which took me a bit less than 5 hours, which i find rather impressive, given that i had to write 1500 on a short extract from a novel. since i finished at a reasonable hour, i went to sara's place to have dinner with her, her friend from italy, paige and william. william is the only one whom i told that i might isolate myself from everyone from a bit, since i do not want to bother people with my bullshit. i had been gone under the radar for about two days. tomorrow i shall be on my own as well, because i have another assignment to do. i gotta say, i miss him, as in i miss talking to him and just the comforting feeling of his presence. but i have to be on my own for a bit. i did not get to talk to him practically at all this evening, but at least i got to hug him when i left. makes me sound a bit like a freak (since he has a gf lmao), but i genuinely just think he is such a nice friend. everyone who knows him is lucky to have him in their lives, really. i absolutely cannot wait for monday, because it means i will be done with both my most important assignments, meaning i will be able to chill for a bit, although i have other, less urgent shit to do. will try to sleep soon though, since it is almost half 1 am, but then again, i have only been up for 12 hours at this point. my sleep schedule is so fucked that if i actually can fall asleep, i have to use the chance for as much as i can (that is why i got up so late today). anyway, i am proud of myself for doing that assignment. time to rest a bit and resume working tomorrow. adios

    Current Mood: accomplished
    Current Music: sun is up by inna
    Friday, November 8th, 2019
    7:24 pm

    today has been somewhat better than yesterday i guess. i just feel so tired. i slept for at least 10 hours i think but i am already exhausted. i could not bring myself to write the assignment today so i just did a bunch of cleaning, laundry and went to the store to get food for next week. overall i feel pretty accomplished, but the assignment is bothering me so much... right now i feel like taking a nap. i had some black tea a while ago but it did not make me feel more awake, in fact i feel more tired with each minute. i still feel like shutting everyone out of my life. today i have spoken only to my mum. have not texted anyone or received any texts (almost). at least this time instead of procrastinating on some bullshit i actually did housework which i would have had to do at some point during the weekend anyway. since it is done it means that tomorrow and sunday are going to be studying days. which i do not want to think about at all. i wish i could just go to sleep now and sleep for at least 12 hours. in theory, i can, but it might totally mess up my already nonexistent sleep schedule. i might try to hold out for a bit and then actually go to bed and try to wake up at 6 am or something. i really want this assignment bullshit to be over with. funniest thing is that it seems like no one else has work to do, they are all just chilling and shit. maybe they are going to pull all nighters just before the deadline, i do not know. i want to be completely independent. these last few days i have felt like i depend on other people too much, and i hate this feeling. maybe that is another reason why i want to isolate myself from everyone. i will try to become a bit healthier, as in stop buying snacks i do not need. today i bought a big pack of popcorn and two packs of cookies. i really like to snack at some point during the day, but i have to limit it. everything feels so calm, i think it is raining outside. it is so quiet. i cannot wait to go to sleep. it is the only time i can escape this existence bullshit. i will be so happy on monday, when both my assignments are done. my birthday is coming up. i miss ross. wish i was more interesting. but i am just a first year undergraduate, whilst he is a first year phd student. he is at least 10 years older than me. he would be such a good friend...i can just feel it. i guess it is not destined to happen. maybe someone even better is on the way. or maybe i have them already. think i will go now.

    Current Mood: exhausted
    Current Music: accidentally in love by counting crows
    12:33 am

    torn. torn between isolating myself and wanting to feel like someone cares about me and how i am doing. torn between riga and reading. two r's. kind of a funny coincidence. i get what they meant when they said it feels like you are not really at home anywhere. i have not even been back to riga yet and i can already feel this. it has been almost 7 weeks since i left. prior to this, the longest time i had been away from home was about 10 days. when i think of riga, i know it is my home, but it does not feel like it anymore. when i wake up in reading, i do not know where i am. it takes a second to adjust. when i speak to my friends here, i tell them i am going "home" to my halls, but am i really? is this my home? i love this place, the campus, my room, my friends, but there is something eerie lurking underneath. something is missing. i feel like i am doing university related stuff but something is not right. as if i was supposed to be doing something else. i try to hang out with my friends here as much as possible, yet i feel empty and alone most of the time. i laugh and smile, but when they leave, i feel like i am not whole. he mentioned "rumination" when i told him i was most likely going to distance myself from everyone. i did not even know that word before, but it describes my state of mind perfectly. i said i might distance myself because that is what i feel like doing right now. i feel like i am missing out but i also do not want to bother anyone. what are you supposed to say when a friend tells you where she will be going with your two mutual friends, but does not ask if you want or can come along? am i supposed to ask if i should join? i do not understand communication rules in other cultures. they are all going some place tomorrow outside reading and yet i have to work on my assignment for the whole day. saturday most likely as well. at this point i just want to get wasted and stop caring about every little thing. again i feel like i care more about certain people than they care about me. in theory, that is fine, but the problem is i get attached way too fast. so i am overthinking everything. i want to sleep at night but i cannot sleep. i am actually retarded, since it did not somehow click that MAYBE it is because i drink beverages that have caffeine in them before bed (black, green tea, monster energy). like... how did it actually not occur to me that black tea could also keep me awake. i am such a fool. an embarrassment. he must think i am dumb or something. yet another thing to overthink about. i know i have achieved so much since i came here, i can really feel the improvement, yet it is still not enough. i feel really dumb sometimes, as in life dumb. as in, i do not know shit about life. i was (am?) just academically smart. i keep ranting about my bitchass problems to everyone, i hate this. should keep my fucking retarded bullshit to myself. who am i to think that i have any right to bother my friends with my depressing bullshit? anyway. how come some people are so fucking nice? i do not deserve them in my life. it feels unfair. i am not as nice and i do not think i will ever be. i am too awkward. hard to explain. ever since manu got me fucked up, i keep thinking about being in a relationship, having someone to cuddle with, someone whom i could always contact, spend time with without feeling like i am bothering them. someone who would love me. and someone whom i would love. i told myself that my main focus would be studies and i am doing fine, but when i lay awake at night i just feel incredibly lonely. i wanted to cry today, but no tears came out. i have cried twice since i came here, and both times i was on a call with my mum. i call my friends often, yet it feels like there is nothing to talk about. with luna it is fine, i trust her with everything, but even when i talk to her i feel like it is always just me, me, me who is talking about her fucking problems. like, bitch, get your shit together, you are studying something you love, you have wonderful friends, live in a brilliant place, have your own room and go to a great university, what is your fucking problem? can you appreciate something for once? can you stop being so depressive over the stupidest things? also, why the fuck is everyone ghosting me. like 3 guys already. one ghosted for 4 days, then fucked off, one left me on read and one told me he would "let me know when he is in town for a night out". that was exactly three weeks ago. i just wanted friends. the one who has been ghosting me for 3 weeks was the nicest one, so smart and witty, i would absolutely love to have him as a friend. i know i will meet him again in a group setting, i just know that i am apparently not good enough for a one-on-one meeting. i do not believe that he has been so very busy for 3 weeks. if he cared, he would have found the time. i feel the seasonal affective disorder kicking in. i want to be alone, but i do not. i am confused and torn. au revoir

    Current Mood: lonely
    Current Music: falling away from me by korn
    Tuesday, September 3rd, 2019
    11:28 pm

    these last few days i have been putting a lot of my time into research for uni (writing e-mails, reading important info etc.), and it feels good, i feel more prepared with each day. the downside is that i absolutely cannot sleep at night. yesterday i went to bed at 1 am (i stopped my research then), and i think i fell asleep at around 3 am. i just keep thinking about uni, what it will be like, imagining scenarios and stuff like that, and i cannot stop. this was not such an issue just a week ago. i am just so tired. at least i am being productive, which is very good. picked up a philosophy book today which i had started reading in 2017 but never finished, hopefully i will get to the end this time. my palms are not as sweaty anymore (i have anxiety, which makes my palms, feet and armpits drenched in sweat way too often), and i think it is because i am actually preparing for uni instead of putting everything off like i usually do. the uni's online course that i had to complete was really helpful and it made me feel a bit less anxious about moving. i had a small breakdown today because i realized just how much everything will cost there, but then i found out that i am eligible for a 1,100 pound bursary, which would help me a lot, and also i will try to find a part-time job, so things are looking a bit better now. i just cannot stop thinking about uni and welcome week, new friends, accommodation, frisbee, lectures etc. wish i could turn my brain off. at least food should not be that big of a problem because i will have two tesco's near my uni, and tesco has those "everyday value" items, which are ridiculously cheap. think i will try to sleep now. if anyone reads this, please listen to kasabian's "48:13" album (deluxe preferably). i knew this album before, but previously i just listened to like 3 songs from it. treat is definitely the best one, but i really enjoy stevie, doomsday, bumblebeee and eez-eh too. truly a masterpiece of an album. alright, adios

    Current Mood: exhausted
    Current Music: treat by kasabian
    Monday, August 26th, 2019
    11:46 pm

    i just feel permanently exhausted. it might be because i pulled an all nighter today (meaning i stayed up until 7 am today), then slept for like 4 hours, woke up for an hour and went back to sleep. basically most of the day was wasted on sleeping and i am still feeling pretty tired. the only legit thing i did today was meet up with luna, which i am glad for, because this meeting was long overdue, we just kept putting it off for various reasons. i want to be productive, for example, yesterday at around 2 am i had this sudden urge to learn french, but my brain was too tired for that, and now i feel roughly the same. i just think my brain will not be able to process new stuff at the moment, meaning i cannot read either, so i am kind of stuck here - what do i do? watch youtube? sleep? browse instagram/twitter? i have no clue. i might read some more waitbutwhy posts, it's a super great blog. i originally found it through a ted talk that the author of the blog did on procrastination. i wish i could change myself, or at least do things in a more effective way, because right now i just have random sparks of energy that quickly die off. a few days ago i talked with my best mate about reaching out to people that you have lost (or never even had in the first place) contact with. so the dilemma is this - i want to hang out with a certain person because i think they are great, but i am too afraid to text them and ask if they want to meet me, because we have not talked in months (or we meet each other only in a larger group of friends type of setting). like, heck do i know, maybe they also sometimes (doubt) think about me and wish to meet me but are ALSO too afraid to text me?? i just do not know. maybe they are afraid of rejection? though i never reject anyone. there are at least 4 persons with whom i would really like to meet up but... should i reach out? yes/no? help?

    Current Mood: tired
    Current Music: antidote by swedish house mafia & knife party
    Friday, August 9th, 2019
    1:31 pm

    recently i have been traveling quite a lot (first to france, monaco, andorra and spain with mum and then to london with a few friends). i do not want to write anything about the sights we saw, just want to put down some emotions. before going to london i had met one of the girls (luna's friend from art school) only once, so i was not sure how it would be, spending a whole week with basically a stranger, but it turned out way better than expected. turns out we both have a similar sense of humour, we both are interested in architecture and other things, so i feel like i tested my social skills and they turned out to be better than i thought. we discussed many deep and not so deep things and it was just a blast. while in london we also met up with a local british guy for some drinks and the evening/night ended up with all of use climbing over a fence to get inside a closed park...yup. i am just so fucking glad i did not throw up because i had quite a lot to drink. the guy was waaay too nice (not in a bad way), it was such a pleasant surprise. i think talking to him gave me a lot more confidence in both my english conversational skills and in my looks as well (meaning that i have become more confident in expressing myself the way i want to). the next day after coming back from london me, luna and my other best mate met up with a classmate i personally had not seen in a bit over 3 years. he moved to the uk after 9th grade and he happened to be in latvia for one more day, so he could meet us three. it was a fucking blast, i had forgotten how funny and overall cool he was. he gave me a lot of tips for living in the uk and also told me to connect him when i move there. apparently he lives a 2 hours drive from me, so technically we could meet up at some point? we shall see. he had grown taller, he had cool ass black clothes and his voice had gotten deeper which threw me off at first :D just because i was not expecting it. what i am trying to say with this post is that one should sometimes take a few risks and just see how it turns out, because for me all these three new interactions i had turned out amazing, and i am so glad for that. being abroad without supervision also gave me confidence that i so badly need for moving. i had the best flight in my life when i was flying back to latvia, and i kind of teared up when we landed, because it felt surreal, it felt like the way it might be when i finally come home after 9 months in reading. that sentence was a mess but whatever. i bought myself so many cool things in london (including 8 small books...do not judge me pls) and i am so happy with all of them. i also got stuff for my sister, mum, dad and a couple friends. yesterday i went out for a walk with my sister and we discussed the possibility of her flying to london alone in winter to meet me (she is currently 14) and she said she could actually try and that she is not even that anxious about it, so it is great. the last thing - i got an e-mail which said that by conditional offer for a place at reading has been changed to unconditional, meaning i am now officially a student at the university of reading. absolutely cannot believe this. that is it for now, bye sisturs

    Current Mood: chipper
    Current Music: auslander by rammstein
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