koi's Journal
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Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in koi's LiveJournal:

    Sunday, May 12th, 2019
    10:01 am

    it has been almost a month and a week since i last posted on here. it always happens this way whenever i decide to re-start writing in a diary: i am active for a bit and then i just disappear. i think this time though i am not on here as much as i used to be because mostly everything in life is going well and i am just trying to enjoy all the good things that are happening. it is also the reason why i have not been going to my therapist almost at all, i think the last time was a month ago or more. of course, there is bad stuff happening basically every day, but it is nothing compared to everything else. there is a week left of school (like, normal lessons), then two exams and then nothing until the graduation, which is in the middle of june. somehow everything is going so well regarding school, i keep getting good grades in every subject, it is insane. i have noticed that ever since i stopped stressing about grades they just went up by themselves? i wish i had realized this earlier, but, you know, better late than never. i have been hanging out with some of my classmates with whom i almost did not talk at all during tenth and eleventh grade. it is so fun to finally be with new (kind of) people. i have also kind of pushed my best friend out of his comfort zone by introducing him with the two girls i now hang out with. we hung out the day before yesterday and it was so much fun. i am glad that i finally have time for myself and my friends as well. everything seems balanced and filled with positivity. the universe is on my side. it feels like some higher power is trying to make everything go well for me, which is such a relief after all the shit i went through in both tenth and eleventh grade. twelfth grade has definitely been the best year of my life so far. from getting my two best friends back and re-discovering love for myself to hanging out with new people, building a stronger relationship with my sister and just being my optimistic self again. it feels like coming home after a long journey. of course, the world is great, but home will always stay home. i love all the people that are close to me. i appreciate them. and i will miss them so fucking much. 얼마나 기다려야 또 몇 밤을 더 새워야 널 보게 될까 만나게 될까 (the translation on google might be rough, it is better to find the genius romanization)

    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Current Music: spring day by bts
    Saturday, April 6th, 2019
    8:37 am
    been a while

    it has been a little less than two weeks i think since i last posted. during this time i got sick not once, but twice, yay me :D last friday i got a stomach virus which thankfully ended really fast and today i got the usual flu thing, but it is not that bad. either way i am rather glad that i got these sicknesses at the weekend because that means i do not have to skip school. i am so happy that spring has started because it means it is warm enough to go on long walks, which i really missed. i am glad that i managed to meet both my friends during the workweek because that means i can chill at home and be sick all i want :D overall lately i think i have been happier than ever. ok i am back and it is now 10:04 lol, i went out with my dog and met one of my friends for a bit. so yeah, i do feel like i have regained most of my joy for life and what it can give me. i am more hopeful than i was before and i have a more calm attitude towards everything. if it is supposed to happen a certain way, it will, and there is no point in worrying about it too much. i have been meeting my friends more lately and i feel the love for them grow with each time. i also managed to deal with most of my school work this week and i finally realized that for me to be able to get motivation i actually need to start working on whatever project i have and then i suddenly get the willpower to finish it. i think i am going to end it here because i feel tired (cuz of the sickness). byee

    Current Mood: chipper
    Current Music: miroh by stray kids
    Tuesday, March 26th, 2019
    11:52 am

    i ranted to my best friend about how i slept really poorly last night, ended up missing the first lesson at school because i overslept and how my head hurt and i felt dizzy in the morning and about how much work i have to do for school. he told me to take care, sleep well, eat well, put my health as my top priority because he cares about me a lot!!!!! he said that he is sending me positive thoughts and vibes!!!!! he never says shit like this!!!! he actually cares!!!!! bich i might cry

    Current Mood: loved
    Current Music: the sound by the 1975
    Sunday, March 24th, 2019
    10:55 pm
    a quick update i guess

    fuck, i love the thought that is put behind my username, this feels great for some reason. right now instead of doing school related stuff i am browsing reddit and typing this and listening to music, it is going to be fine though, i think. for some reason i am surprisingly calm about this, but it is partly thanks to my friend, who managed to do most of the project we have to present tomorrow (who am i kidding, she did the whole thing). for some reason i do not feel tired so that is great, there is actually a possibility of me writing the damn analysis (maybe...). i also dyed my hair today. i guess i want to say that i am doing these small changes in my physical appearance instead of waiting until uni. it feels freeing and i just feel like a bad bitch tbh. i am still very critical of my appearance but i can definitely say that i am more confident now and i can sense myself moving towards a glow up not only physically but also mentally. yeah overall i am just much, much happier than i was a few months ago. there are good things happening all the time, so it is great. i am happy! finally! je brille.

    Current Mood: cheerful
    Current Music: banana brain by die antwoord
    Monday, March 18th, 2019
    11:43 am
    나 자신을 사랑해

    i went to sleep past 1 am today. it was because i was so immersed in that book i mentioned reading, "fuck it". i remember seeing some reviews for this book which said that it was not anything ground-breaking, but i think it depends on at what point in life you stumble upon this book. i am still really young, so i feel like this book is a wake-up call that i can use fully because i do not even have a job yet and nothing in my life is planned out. i guess that if a person were to read this in their forties it would not be as useful as it is for me. i did a few exercises that were mentioned in that book, for example, i wrote down some things i love currently, some that i used to love and some that i can imagine myself loving in the future. the results kind of surprised me because they showed that i was living in the present more that in the past or the future; i wrote down 26 things i could think of that i love doing right now and only 4 things i could love in the future came to mind. i also wrote things that i dislike doing and realized i had found something a while ago that can help me with one of the things i dislike - i am not particularly keen on going out with my dog, but for like a month i have been listening to music whilst going out with her and it really is not such a pain in the ass anymore. i also wrote down a few things that i would do if there was no chance of failure, and, maybe surprisingly, those were - be in a band and/or write a book or a blog. my childhood dreams were to be a singer in a band (because i could never be solo, my vocal is not that great and i have a huge stage fright currently) or to be a successful writer. i never knew what i would want to write, but, judging from experience, i am the best at writing down the never-ending stream of thoughts that i have and explaining my reasoning behind them. so i guess it could be some kind of self-help or a motivational book but i am not at all entitled to write something like that now, because i am only 18. i also thought of putting together all of the scattered diaries i have had throughout the years to maybe kind of show my journey through life? it would also have some poetry i have written. but the thing is (and that is what the author of that "fuck it" book calls "yes, buts"), who on earth would want to read anything i have to say? like, why would anyone care about a nobody's life? i also wrote down in total 6 things that i would want to do, but am not doing yet: educate myself in philosophy, mythology, theater, psychology, literature etc.; become a polyglot; travel a lot, especially around Europe (but to other places as well); something related to music - learn to play an instrument, sing in a choir or ensemble again or join a band; write a successful book or blog and, lastly, teach others something that i am passionate about (basically become a teacher). i also wrote down three steps for kind of "achieving" all of these things, and, to be honest, some seem really just *too simple*, because for some i just have to start doing something. some were more challenging, because, regarding traveling, i have no idea whether i want to just go on a couple vacations a year, have a job that sends me abroad like, once a month or have a job that is based solemnly on traveling. the last option seems like it would not be for me, because where would my home be then, if i were to travel all the time? what about friends, family? i cannot sacrifice all that for just the sake of traveling and seeing places, but i want it to be a serious aspect of my life. i also wrote down the "yes, buts" for each of these 6 goals i mentioned, and i realized that the thing that worries me the most is the practical side, for example, if i were to write a book, would i be so successful that i could earn money from it? what if i do not earn anything? i want to live comfortably, you know. the last thing i want to mention - right before going to bed i wrote down two things that i absolutely cannot live without. those were - voicing out my opinion and thoughts by talking to others or writing it down either in a diary or on a platform like this, and the second was...singing. i cannot just stop singing. it is a huge part of me, i sing every day and all the time. i do not know why it is this way, but these are the two things that i absolutely CANNOT not do. it shocked me. très bien, retour à la lecture de mon livre.

    Current Mood: thoughtful
    Current Music: come on eileen by dexy's midnight runners
    Sunday, March 17th, 2019
    10:46 am
    ça fait longtemps

    maybe it has been long time, but in reality only a bit more than a week, if i remember correctly. a few things have happened during this time that i so badly wanted to write down for at least five days but always managed to either forget or to put it off for later, so here i am now. what i remember is that i had the english exam on tuesday and wednesday. there is not that much to say about that, i think it went rather well. obviously i feel like i made at least one mistake in every part but that is okay. i skipped school on thursday because i could not make myself prepare for two tests, so this year i have the longest spring break ever - in total 11 days, because i got that thursday and also friday off (friday was free for most of the 12th graders). some time this week i also got my ielts pretesting results back (regarding listening and reading parts). i thought that getting 6.5 or 7.0 would be more than great, because that is the score that unis usually require and i also had not revised anything, i wanted to know my true level without any preparation. i got a freaking 8.0 on both parts! i was beyond happy and excited. now the most important thing is to get the same score on the actual exam, which will be on 13th of april, a saturday. i will revise my butt off during this spring break. also, another success - i got the 2nd place in a state olympiad. there was a competiton between the best students from the whole country and i got the 2nd place (of course, there are multiple people who got awarded places). i cried when i saw the results, because this is my biggest achievement in my whole life. also, this was my last olympiad ever, so this was just a spectacular way to end the part of my life which was filled with various olympiads. other news - i applied to an event called "studenta kurpēs" which is basically "ēnu diena" but you get to follow students. i participated last year as well and i followed a 3rd year student who was studying english philology, but this year i applied to follow a student who is studying freaking asian studies, specifically korean. if she accepts me, i will be attending 3 lectures - one about korean culture, one about scientific research and one about philosophy, so it sounds damn exciting. on the topic of korean - the tax money has not been returned yet, but it should be about 220 euros, so one of the purchases i am planning to make is to buy those korean self-study books. i also downloaded an app called "wish" and i will probably purchase a phone case and some earrings, because i found some very cute ones for a cheap price. last thing regarding events and such - i went to a ballet show called "swan lake" in the opera on friday with my grandma and sister. it was fucking splendid, i loved every second of it. it seemed too short, even though it was 3 hours long. of course, my favourite part was dance of the little swans, because it has that iconic tchaikovsky music and great choreography. right now i am reading a book called "fuck it, do what you love", and i want to quickly write down some of the ideas that i found interesting. firstly, visualizing all of the tasks that need to be done (respectively, drawing them in an office) and then deciding which of those can stay there and which could be moved to the "waiting room", as to say that you cannot focus on them now, but possibly later. another important thing is to keep new ideas and tasks out, by that i mean trying to say "no" to new things, if you are already drowning in stuff to do. i will try to visualize the things i have to do a bit later today, but i can already think of some of them - dealing with all the school stuff that i have been putting away for a long time, revising for the ielts exam, revising for the maths exam, learning some french, reading the shitload of books that i have, especially those which i need to return to the people i borrowed them from etc. etc. whilst reading this book i am trying to get back my love for things, such as languages and philosophy and literature. it has not "died", that love is just hidden somewhere deep down in me and i want to get it back. i have decided to limit my social media use to the max, because it is what keeps from doing things. often times i feel so overwhelmed by things i COULD do that i end up sitting on my phone and not doing anything productive and useful. this needs to stop. again, i want to emphasize this thing - doing something for short periods of time or doing something poorly is LOADS BETTER than not doing anything. i also want to start caring for myself, but slowly. funnily enough, i am planning to start by brushing teeth in the evenings as well, not only in the mornings. this might sound fucked up, but i stopped brushing teeth in the evenings due to an influence from someone, and i want to be free from that. i removed the picture frames from my desk which had that person in the pictures, i put a picture with luna on my desk from the 9th grade (it is a picture of us both together, taken on picture day). i also put luna's drawing in a visible place in my book shelf (there used to be a thing made by that person). i also recently archived almost all of my pictures on instagram which had that person, also untagged them from basically every picture i have. deleted an account which was private and had pictures of us both. i feel so much better now, like i am becoming more free day by day. i will read all of the books i have from them so i could return them all and remove the few ties that still exist. i can still talk to them if needed, but i prefer not to. right now, i am happy in my little cave, finally focusing on myself. back to the book - why do what we love? because life is fucking short and you do not want to be regretting it (and because you could literally die at any given moment), because you will be happier, because you will be healthier (less stress), because you will be more successful (most people who succeed in something did that by doing what they love), and, most probably, you will be wealthier. also, our body is a lie detector - you need to stretch you arm out in 90 degrees angle on your side. firstly, say something completely true, like your name, and have a person press your arm down where your wrist is. you should try to resist. then, after a small rest, try saying that your name is something completely different, for example, elizabeth. keep saying that and have your partner press your arm down again. it should be that your resistance is higher when you are saying the truth. this can be tested in many other situations. you just have to choose two things - one that you really love, and the other that you do not really love, but think you should. and you will see that you resist more when saying the truth. pretty cool. off topic - i tidied my room yesterday and finally threw out so many things that were just taking up space, for example, old notebooks and old work pages from different subjects, for example, physics and chemistry. i re-organized the things i decided to keep and i feel like my head has been cleared out a bit. okay, i think this is it. lastly, bts' comeback is on 12th of april. it better be fucking good. also, the 1975 is lit. 평화

    Current Mood: peaceful
    Current Music: love it if we made it by the 1975
    Tuesday, March 5th, 2019
    1:51 pm

    staying home is great from the perspective of getting needed rest and stuff, but for me it basically means wasting the day away by doing nothing productive. i rewatched some of emma blackery's old videos and paid attention to the one where she talks about having no sense of self. whilst i understand that i do not have such a severe condition like she does, a lot of the time i feel like i am not truly *myself*, whatever that is. currently i am trying to defend me being the way that i am with the fact that here in latvia i am restricted to some degree, because i just cannot see myself changing my persona completely whilst still going to my school. i cannot imagine how my friends and classmates would react. this is to do with the fact that for most of my life i have cared way too much about others opinions of me, which is only healthy to some degree. i want to be able to post selfies if i want, for example, or to openly express the fact that i am into k-pop currently, or wear the same clothes for 3 days or something, because some times i just do not give a single fuck, and sometimes everything else is dirty. the one thing i am mostly sure about is my love for languages, mythology, philosophy, psychology etc. i feel like, to most people at least, k-pop+philosophy=impossible? i mean, i do not really have a way of checking this, but i feel like the vast majority of people cannot imagine those two things going together. i feel like if i mentioned that i am into philosophy and languages, i would get a certain respect from other people, up until the point i would mention k-pop. and i kind of get it from their view as well - i do not know if this taught to kids or something, but my first thought hearing someone likes, for example, generic radio music, or, idk, wrestling, usually is something like *wtf why are they interested in that, that is so lame*. i try to get rid of this thought, but it is not always so easy. i am not a very opinionated person, i often adapt to other people's opinions, but there are certain things that i do not like at all and i somehow cannot grasp the idea of anyone liking them, BUT, after a person explains their reasons for liking a certain thing, THEN i can understand and respect them. i once read this post which said that your first thought is what you have been taught, your second thought defines who you are, and i believe it to be true. because, believe it or not, i sometimes get shocked when i see a person of another race (shocked as in a kind of negative way), but then i snap out of it and realize that goddamn, they are people just like me. i have accepted the fact that i am not straight (i am mostly demi i think, but i can experience attraction from the first sight as well, i just would not ever get into a relationship without getting to know the person first), but sometimes i STILL catch myself judging someone based on their sexuality (by that i mean something like *wow that behaviour is so gay, i bet that person is gay*), and then i snap out of it and start mentally scolding myself. i think as long as people acknowledge these toxic thoughts and realize that they do not define them, our society should be fine. it is simply ridiculous that sometimes the biggest lgbtq+ haters are lgbtq+ themselves...it is 2019, it is time to embrace our identity and find people who would not shame us for it. by now i do not even know what is this rant. if i get the money from overpaid taxes, i will fucking buy some merch, i do not know from which artist yet but i really want something, i want to be able to feel confident and show others what i like. might buy pewdiepie's merch because it is about fucking time. and, to build my confidence more, i will make this post public. maybe someone needs to read this rant. à bientôt ou dans un million d'années, qui sait.

    Current Mood: okay
    Current Music: when we were young by lost kings
    Wednesday, February 27th, 2019
    4:44 pm
    fuglen er her

    and again, i am so tired and fed up with everything that i rather type something up here than do any of the work i am supposed to do. my grandma from mother's side passed away on monday, and the funeral will be held on saturday. i am feeling okay now, i am more worried about my mother. the only good two good things in this situation are - grandma passed away in her sleep, and both my mum and grandma managed to say "i love you" to each other. in fact, those were their last words they ever spoke to each other. and it was the first time in my mother's life that she heard the words "i love you" from her mum. although their relationship was never good, i am so glad they said their goodbyes on good terms. a completely unrelated thing - i keep hearing that norwegian (hence the caption in norwegian lol) is a very useful language to learn for working in latvia. my other grandma mentioned that if i were to work as a french guide in riga for tourist groups, i would earn twice as much as she does as a german guide. but then she also told me that norwegian is the language that is needed in latvia right now; supposedly there are enough people who know finnish (despite it being significantly harder than norwegian) but there is lack of norwegian experts. about two days after this conversation my history teacher (who also teaches economics) mentioned the same thing, that it is very beneficial to work with norwegians and they provide great work conditions, so i think i am seeing a new path in life maybe (?) after i finish my bachelor studies in uk. i mean whenever someone mentioned being a tour guide i usually freaked out because what i always had in mind were those guides that go to foreign countries for about a week with their tourist groups and that just always seemed very scary to me. but, say, if i were to be a guide here in riga, then where would the problem be? this is my home, i was born here and i have lived here my whole life. so, in conclusion, i feel a lot safer about my future right now. i seriously need to read for the damn olympiad but i just cannot make myself care about it?? not to mention the fact that i also have to write two tests tomorrow on top of the whole olympiad thing on friday. i am just tired of life right now. 이제 작별 인사.

    Current Mood: blank
    Current Music: mono by rm
    Sunday, February 24th, 2019
    7:34 pm
    les doutes

    lately have been watching some cyprien vids on youtube and i think it could honestly improve my french a lot, because it is exactly the way i kind of grasped the concept of everyday spoken english - through various videos, such as felix's. on friday i almost had a breakdown in the bus because i found out that apparently i got so few points at the french state olympiad that i was not even included in the document posted about the results. needless to say for the first half an hour i wanted to cry because i kept thinking about how i have chosen the wrong path in life (by that i mean french) and that i am basically retarded or something. thankfully at that time i was going to spice with my sister and my mood increased because i got new earrings and a yellow jumper (yay for yellow! my second favourite colour as of recently). overall i just try to calm myself by realizing that i did not revise practically at all for that olympiad so what was i honestly expecting. life right now seems rather fine, but i cannot get out of the usual "spending the whole day in bed and then frantically doing homework until 1 am which makes me sleep deprived the next day" cycle. in fact that is what i am doing now - typing this up instead of doing at least something productive. i have a serious problem with realizing that doing at least tiny bits of something bigger is better than not doing anything at all, for example, it is better to brush my teeth in the evening if i cannot make myself take a shower. i understand this concept perfectly but i fail to apply it to my everyday life. the most fulfilling moment of this week was probably playing air hockey with my sister at spice. it was one of those spontaneous decisions that you realize you can make because there is no one who could stop you. of course, we spent some money on the game but it totally paid off because we had so much fun, i cannot even describe it. i felt free, like i could make my life fun if i wanted to, i felt some kind of control over it. it did not even matter who was winning, it was just pure joy. honestly that whole time in spice was amazing, i am getting along better with my sister with each passing day. lastly i want to write down that i have been thinking a whole lot about the fact that i am actually going to uni fairly soon and that means i can finally show my true self or even create a new version of me which i could not do for all these years. the thing is that even when i switched schools here i already knew two girls in my class because we switched schools together, so i kind of felt pressure to not change myself and stay the same way i was in our previous school. but now i am moving to a whole different country and the real question is - 나는 누구냐 ?

    Current Mood: tired
    Current Music: hope world (mixtape) by j-hope
    Sunday, February 17th, 2019
    4:24 pm
    comment nous percevons le temps

    i have talked about this with luna and my mum as well, but i want to put it down on here as well. the perception of time has changed immensely since the beginning of a new millennium (or so i think). we all seem to think that 2012 was like three years back tops but in reality, it was 7 years ago. it is hard to believe that people like me who were born in the year 2000 are turning 19 this year already. we are soon going to be in our twenties and considered almost "old". we are equally as close to 2039 as we are to 1999 and i still think that the 90s were some 10 years ago. people born in 1989 are turning 30 this year! and it is not only about the years overall, for example, my dad thought that despacito came out "at least half a year ago" whilst in reality it has been 2 full years since it was released, and this is not the craziest example. seems like no one can perceive time the way it flows and i do not really know what to make of it, other than it is insanely fascinating. i did not think i would make it to my 18th birthday when i was 13 and here i am - i will be 19 this year and people around me are already turning 20. when i was younger time seemed to stretch itself and to go by really slowly, and now it just rushes without stopping. i hope that i will not wake up one day and realize that my life has flown past me without me noticing. for that reason i have been thinking about what i really want to achieve in life, what matters to me the most. the things that have so far come to my mind are - travel as much as it is possible, become a polyglot (i could not find out how many languages exactly does one need to know to consider themselves a polyglot, but some sources said around 5-6 languages), definitely get a masters degree (possibly doctors as well but i can not be sure about that yet) and go to as many concerts as i can (by that i mean not to just any concert but to artists that i like, with possible exceptions i guess). i want to care for myself, look good for myself and to make it my main reason to look good. i want to have fun, to create amazing memories with my friends but also to enjoy the moment, because it is the present that matters, the future is indefinite (for that matter all time is indefinite and relative but whatever) and past is already past, so we have to make most of our present. i want to live, not just exist. i want to be somebody. i want to be brave and be proud of what i like and how i look, how i dress etc. i want to do stuff, not sit around and watch everyone else live their lives to the fullest whilst i am laying on the couch. i will not let that define my life. it will be extraordinary. 나는 나 자신을 믿는다.

    Current Mood: hopeful
    Current Music: promise by jimin
    Wednesday, February 13th, 2019
    10:08 pm

    yellow is now my second favorite colour. thanks, the nbhd and trench, je vous aime tellement.

    Current Mood: optimistic
    Current Music: yellow by coldplay
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