Tuesday, February 18th, 2020

Time	Event
1:43p	insomnia l'oiseau just read through some of my previous posts, and one said that my sleep schedule is so fucked that i have to use all the sleep i can get, which is true right now as well. it had gotten better whilst i was back home in latvia, but now i'm struggling with insomnia every single night without fail. i even took some supplements with valerian root extract to help me sleep, and when i ran out of those i got some magnesium tablets which should also help with fatigue and sleep, but still, every night is a struggle. i wasn't tired until 2 am tonight, so i did some studying, but i still needed at least an hour to fall asleep, so i'm guessing i eventually drifted off at around 3 am and woke up at fucking 1 pm. can't shake off the feeling that most of the day has been wasted already. whilst in the toilet i started thinking about the pressure society and sometimes even certain individuals put on us, even if they don't realize it. currently i'm in an environment full of mostly 18-20 year olds who all like to party and go to clubs more than once a week (okay, not all of them, but the vast majority). so even though no one has directly confronted me about not going to clubs, i still fell judged? as in, for example, my flatmates give off the vibe that they think i am lame and totally not "fun". sometimes i wonder what they think of me and what i do with my time, whether i have friends etc., but most of the time i couldn't care less about their opinions, and i truly mean it. i have practically nothing in common with them, so i don't even see the point of making any small talk, if it's crystal clear none of us really care about what the other person did over the weekend etc. i guess what i'm getting at is i feel this underlying pressure to do what most people do, to conform, which i guess stems from me wanting to fit in during middle school. because here i even stand out with the way i dress (with my blue and green coat and super colourful socks), which is just funny to me, because that to me isn't "standing out" material. i also sometimes have the fear of missing out, like, what if i regret all this later? not going to clubs and having pres and afters with these people? because as of right now this stuff doesn't interest me the slightest, and i feel like i don't have to go to a club to know that i would not enjoy that environment. i prefer smaller, quiet bars where you can have genuine conversations with people over some gin&tonic, instead of being in a venue filled with hundreds of people where mostly shit music is being blasted and there's a lot of drunk creeps. have to admit - sometimes i crave the attention of guys so much that i wouldn't even mind being hit on by some drunk dude at the bar or even uhh groped, which *i know* shouldn't be happening and it is sexual assault, but sometimes i AM that desperate. BUT not desperate enough to actually go to a club and have this happen to me, so... not that bad, i guess? this post is a mess, i better go do some productive stuff while i still have a tiny bit of motivation left Current Mood: confused Current Music: sunrise by simply red (2 Comments | Comment on this)
11:30p	luna How funny it is to look back at what I’ve said before. I got into university, but problems always arise, don’t they? For the first time ever I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and at the same time the most (sad? disappointed? hurt? ). My head is like a battlefield, it’s hard to change ones mindset, I’ve done it before, so I would know, but god it’s like one part of my brain wants to put me down and the other is trying to be kind and I just don’t know what to listen to, because it is so easy to shit on my skills and the things I do. Fuck perfectionism, how can you be so mean. I honestly cannot wait for the next step to finally come, I just am sick of everything. At the same time I’m very confused, because in a way I love my current school, and now that I feel a little better I again don’t understand why I complain, I’m telling you it’s like a constant battle between two very different opinions. Maybe I do keep too much to myself, mainly because I’m writing this after I had a long and heartwarming talk with my mum and now I don’t feel any urge to complain, I even have energy despite the fact that it’s half past eleven and by now my overthinking would have lead me to mental and physical exhaustion. I often wonder what made me this way, why is it so hard to open up? But to end this on a better note, people please talk to someone, it really does make everything better, because you are finally forced out of your head for once. Yes, the 8 year old me probably never imagined that studying art can bring so many mental problems, god dammit. Sometimes it sucks to know and understand, but if I step back a bit, I did it. I achieved the goals I had set for me 12 years ago when I started studying the beautiful world of academic art. I should be proud and I think in some way I am. My value hasn’t been lost. *I’m stepping back into the real world where homework is calling me.* Love, luna. Current Mood: confused Current Music: fingers crossed - Billie Eilish (Comment on this)

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