Garastāvoklis:	confused
Mūzika:	sunrise by simply red

insomnia
l'oiseau

just read through some of my previous posts, and one said that my sleep schedule is so fucked that i have to use all the sleep i can get, which is true right now as well. it had gotten better whilst i was back home in latvia, but now i'm struggling with insomnia every single night without fail. i even took some supplements with valerian root extract to help me sleep, and when i ran out of those i got some magnesium tablets which should also help with fatigue and sleep, but still, every night is a struggle. i wasn't tired until 2 am tonight, so i did some studying, but i still needed at least an hour to fall asleep, so i'm guessing i eventually drifted off at around 3 am and woke up at fucking 1 pm. can't shake off the feeling that most of the day has been wasted already. whilst in the toilet i started thinking about the pressure society and sometimes even certain individuals put on us, even if they don't realize it. currently i'm in an environment full of mostly 18-20 year olds who all like to party and go to clubs more than once a week (okay, not all of them, but the vast majority). so even though no one has directly confronted me about not going to clubs, i still fell judged? as in, for example, my flatmates give off the vibe that they think i am lame and totally not "fun". sometimes i wonder what they think of me and what i do with my time, whether i have friends etc., but most of the time i couldn't care less about their opinions, and i truly mean it. i have practically nothing in common with them, so i don't even see the point of making any small talk, if it's crystal clear none of us really care about what the other person did over the weekend etc. i guess what i'm getting at is i feel this underlying pressure to do what most people do, to conform, which i guess stems from me wanting to fit in during middle school. because here i even stand out with the way i dress (with my blue and green coat and super colourful socks), which is just funny to me, because that to me isn't "standing out" material. i also sometimes have the fear of missing out, like, what if i regret all this later? not going to clubs and having pres and afters with these people? because as of right now this stuff doesn't interest me the slightest, and i feel like i don't have to go to a club to know that i would not enjoy that environment. i prefer smaller, quiet bars where you can have genuine conversations with people over some gin&tonic, instead of being in a venue filled with hundreds of people where mostly shit music is being blasted and there's a lot of drunk creeps. have to admit - sometimes i crave the attention of guys so much that i wouldn't even mind being hit on by some drunk dude at the bar or even uhh groped, which *i know* shouldn't be happening and it is sexual assault, but sometimes i AM that desperate. BUT not desperate enough to actually go to a club and have this happen to me, so... not that bad, i guess? this post is a mess, i better go do some productive stuff while i still have a tiny bit of motivation left