Tā virspusēji skatoties man viss ir un, piemēram, māsa nesaprot, kā man var būt rudens depresija. Darbs ir, skola ir, vīrietis pie sāniem ir, hobijs ir, draugi arī ir.. Bet kkas tajā manā domāšanā to visu izķengā ārā. Darbs nav tāds kā gribētos, skolā parādi un slimošanas dēļ nedēļu tgd neesmu bijusi un pat bez slimošanas stipendiju jau otro mēnesi nevaru dabūt, vīrietis ir tāds, kurš manis dēļ cauri ugunij ies, ja vajadzēs, un dažreiz man liekas, ka tieši tas ir tas, kas man kkādā ziņā traucē, iekš sava hobija I totally suck un meklēt un pievērsties jaunam man ir slinkums, un drīz vien es palikšu bez draugiem, ņemot vērā manu iesaistīšanos sabiedriskās aktivitātēs un vispārējās sarunās ar viņiem..

Tags: deprešns, neatceries
Current Mood: sadrūmis
Current Music: panic! at the disco

Ko darīt, ja dzīve met riņķus, lai atkal un atkal atgrieztos tajā pašā melnajā caurumā, no kura tik izmisīgi esi centies tikt ārā visa iepriekšējā riņķa garumā?

Cīnīties.
Tas tā kā ar vējdzirnavām.

Ko darīt, ja nav ne spēka, ne motivācijas cīnīties?
Ko darīt, ja nevar atrast, kāpēc lai no rīta celtos ārā no gultas?
Ko darīt, ja nav neviena, kas varētu palīdzēt?

Tags: deprešns, neatceries
Current Mood: pš
Current Music: TV

Ir sajūta, ka mirstu. Tieši šinīs dienās un šinī laikā.
Pa naktīm nevaru pagulēt - mostos aukstos sviedros un sajūta, ka sautējos ārā.
Pa dienām nevaru padzīvot - pārāk karsti, pārāk drūmi un pārāk nogurdinoši.
Šķiet, ka ir draņķīgi ar sirdi, plaušām, svaru un visu citu.
Šodien pirmo reizi pa ilgiem laikiem stāvēju ielas malā, gaidīju, kad mašīnas aizbrauks garām un mani pārņēma vēlme vnk iet pāri - kas būs, būs.

Ir sajūta, ka gribas izgaist. Tieši šinīs dienās un laikā.
Nav nekā, kas pieturētu pie zemes. Nav nekā, kas piespiestu uzrakstīt kursadarbu. Gribas vnk padoties, gulēt un atkal neko nedarīt.
Katru dienu kontaktēšanās ar cilvēkiem ir kā zobu sāpes, kuras tu nevari novērst un kurām tu nevari pretoties.
Katru dienu kontaktēšanās ar sevi ir kā vilkšanās cauri peļķēm - auksta, slapja un vispārīgi nepatīkama.

Tags: deprešns, neatceries
Current Mood: slikts
Current Music: - - -

Ir cilvēki, kam tu vari atdot savu sirdi un dvēseli (un šādos brīžos es tiešām neloģiski ticu, ka viņa ir, pat ja nevaru viņu nodefinēt, bet kkas iekšā tik ļoti sāp, bet zini, ka tā nav fiziskā sirds, bet sāp fiziski nevertheless), bet viņi tik un tā atstāj tevi tukšu un vienu. Un tu pat nevari uz viņiem dusmoties, jo, pirmkārt, viņi tādi vnk ir, un, otrkārt, tev jau sen būtu jāzina, ka viņi tādi ir un kkas jāmaina savā attieksmē. Bet nevar. Tik un tā katru nākamo reizi tu dod un dod, zinot un tomēr cerot.

Ballīte bija izdevusies, vismaz visiem citiem. Man - as you see.
Arī es šovakar dabūju dzirdēt, ka viss ir galvā un tieši tāpēc mans dvēseles radinieks ir un vienmēr paliks (neskatoties ne uz kādiem apstākļiem) tieši tas, kas viņš ir. Pat ja es nedabūju ar viņu komunicēt pietiekami daudz, pat ja man pašai sev dažkārt gribas iespert par to, ka nesanāk laika.. Es zinu, ka vismaz tas man ir - vismaz viens cilvēks, kurš vienmēr būs. Paldies (and that even doesn't cover it).

Tags: atskaite, neatceries
Current Mood: rīta nogurums
Current Music: - - -

No matter how hard you think you try, life sucks and sooner or later you'll disappoint yourself and everyone around you anyway.

Tags: deprešns, neatceries
Current Mood: sucks
Current Music: same old

Why isn't life like a Word document - ctrl+A and then ctrl+alt+delete.. Seriously wish I could just re-start EVERYTHING. Error everywhere and too cowardish to do smth about it.

Tags: neatceries
Current Mood: galīgs pī
Current Music: tv otrā istabā

Today it feels like somebody has announced an open hunt for my soul. Everybody who has a bit of time and who are not too lazy - try this new attraction and see - maybe you can succeed, it's not like you can lose anything by trying your hand at it. Well, I can.

As if school dramas wouldn't be enough, I'm almost feeling one creeping up to me in my previously so boring ordinary life. There are so many things that make/leave me confused and .. fucked up in my mind. I know that we all are somehow screwed up by our previous lives and experiences but right now I'm just afraid that the point at which I'm gonna be damaged beyond repairing is not far. At least when it comes to people, trusting them, being friends with them, caring about them, not being able to say 'no' to them, trying to understand them..

Don't hunt me down just to rip me into pieces. Please.

Tags: neatceries
Current Mood: despereišans kaind of
Current Music: Lifehouse

I'm a fucked up person. Finally I know it for sure. I was mad with this one guy for treating me the way he did, but now I figure it was the best way. Cause me, being as totally messed up as he is, the only difference being that I finally admit that, tried to give it a chance and ended up.. torturing people for nothing. I'm not worth it and I know it. The worst part is - I cannot guarantee that the next time I won't try to give it a shot either. God help those poor people who'll have to try to deal with me not even knowing where they have been dragged into.

[Well, Disney says that everything starts with a dream, so maybe one day..]

Tags: france, neatceries, pārdomas
Current Mood: fucked up
Current Music: Wankelmut - One day

.. will be domed. As are all the other days in this week and in the week before that. [ love today. (party) still unable to cry. and what if I could? would it make anything better? I don't think so. I would still be in freakin' @#%^^& above my head. I would still be miserable and useless. I would still be fighting with my inner self with no success whatsoever.]

Tags: neatceries
Current Mood: dizāster
Current Music: VH1 fõnā

Deprešns acting out again. 

Tags: deprešns, neatceries
Current Mood: sēd
Current Music: Damien Rice - The animals were gone

There's a hole in me. I have no idea how did it get there or what to make of it, but it's there. It's there for some time now and it doesn't go away. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough. As with everything else in my life, I just don't try hard enough..

Tags: deprešns, neatceries
Current Mood: desperate
Current Music: silence

When smth sucks, it just plainly sucks no matter where you are, how you deal or what you do. And let's face it - I suck. Big time. At first I thought it was my life but.. To explain it as evidence I will present you just two most recent events (happened in the last hour): I got a swim in an awsome puddle and just 30 minutes later I killed one of my best friends, my tea-pot-kettle-thing. So, yes, don't blame the life, it's all on me. And gravity. (Bitch.)

Trying to make it (tea in particular) but just keepin' breaking it.

Tags: neatceries
Current Mood: @!#$
Current Music: Bon Jovi (on the radio)

Šis absolūti jancīgais vakars (kurā es atkal pēc ilgāka pārtraukuma dabūju nomaukties pa tuneļa kāpnēm (šoreiz pat manis izteiktās frāzes "Tikai, lūdzu, nekrītiet" pašā izskaņā) un kurš jau ir ievilcies naktī) man lieliski atgādināja, kāpēc es pēdējos gadus tik cītīgi izvairos no tamlīdzīgām domām (and all the other stuff). Goda vārds, simtreiz labāk mēģinu risināt kkādas eksistenciālas problēmas vai pildu ekstra fr-v mājasdarbus, nekā bezjēgā griežos pa kkādu šitādu apli. Tas aizņem pārāk daudz laika un enerģijas. Un nenoved ne pie kāda rezultāta.

Un ja es vēl nevarēšu normāli aizmigt.. vsp kādu atšaušu. Vai kādus.

Grr un pš!! Vnk izslēdziet manu smadzeni.

Tags: neatceries
Current Music: Fun feat. Janelle (acoustic)

Sleep once in a while can be useful [as I mentioned sometime earlier]. In my case it helps to divide my time in some .. 'parts' which sort of helps me to orientate in the flow of space and time. In short, my everyday life in January looks like 40/60 hours of .. stuff to do and then 10/12 hours of sleep. Sometimes there are 10/15 minutes' "part-time black-outs/pass-outs" somewhere in the process.
You can look at it as some kind of new experiment of mine [I actually have started to put down things] or just a way of organising one's time more effectively [šr as hell, this works only in short-term. But works!].

p.s. my religion? basically, at this point - my mind and its abilities to help me through this.

Tags: insomnia, neatceries, šr šr
Current Mood: gudī
Current Music: My Chemical Romance - I'm not ok

Honestly, this is the weirdest exam session I've ever had and it's not even in the middle. No sense of time, date, place, dimension.

Just love the British History for Dummies: " 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello," says the reeve, "what 'ave we heah, then?" What he had was three boatloads of Vikings. And Vikings dealt very expediently with royal reeves who came to see what they were up to. They killed him. They would be doing a lot more killing in the years to come.
I'm a Total Dummy.
Es laikam pilnā nopietnībā esmu atradusi vienu no savām mīļākajām grāmatām: The Pope wasn’t happy at all about all these changes. In particular, he said that Stigand had no right to be archbishop while the previous Norman archbishop (whose name was Robert, if you’re interested) was still around. The English told the Pope to go and boil his head.

Istaba kā kaujas lauks - papīri, klade, dators, rakstāmie, līmlapiņas, suns un viņa izdemolētais spilvens. Māsa un viņas biļetes. And no place to get some sleep. Not in this room. Taisīšu telefona bildes, printēšu ārā un likšu plānotājā kā atmiņas. Vīhā.

Pēc 2,5h jāiet satikt Ditas kursabiedreni pie 'Raivika'. Can it it get any more surreal?

Hmm, cikos var braukt mājās?

Ieraksts tapis laikā no 0:55 - 6:01

Tags: neatceries
Current Mood: Pink - F**** perfect
Current Music: what's that?!