Garastāvoklis:	confused
Mūzika:	fingers crossed - Billie Eilish

luna
How funny it is to look back at what I’ve said before. I got into university, but problems always arise, don’t they? For the first time ever I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and at the same time the most (sad? disappointed? hurt? ). My head is like a battlefield, it’s hard to change ones mindset, I’ve done it before, so I would know, but god it’s like one part of my brain wants to put me down and the other is trying to be kind and I just don’t know what to listen to, because it is so easy to shit on my skills and the things I do.
Fuck perfectionism, how can you be so mean. I honestly cannot wait for the next step to finally come, I just am sick of everything. At the same time I’m very confused, because in a way I love my current school, and now that I feel a little better I again don’t understand why I complain, I’m telling you it’s like a constant battle between two very different opinions. Maybe I do keep too much to myself, mainly because I’m writing this after I had a long and heartwarming talk with my mum and now I don’t feel any urge to complain, I even have energy despite the fact that it’s half past eleven and by now my overthinking would have lead me to mental and physical exhaustion. I often wonder what made me this way, why is it so hard to open up?
But to end this on a better note, people please talk to someone, it really does make everything better, because you are finally forced out of your head for once. Yes, the 8 year old me probably never imagined that studying art can bring so many mental problems, god dammit. Sometimes it sucks to know and understand, but if I step back a bit, I did it. I achieved the goals I had set for me 12 years ago when I started studying the beautiful world of academic art. I should be proud and I think in some way I am.
My value hasn’t been lost.
*I’m stepping back into the real world where homework is calling me.*
Love, luna.