Garastāvoklis:	numb
Mūzika:	placebo - sleeping with ghosts

a cheaters guide
Grandma, we didn’t have a proper chance to say goodbye to each other. The evening before you had a stroke we didn’t even speak normally, I think i didn’t even say goodnight like we used to do almost every night since i can remember myself. I remember it all a bit vaguely, but i think we weren’t talking. It was about ten or eleven o’ clock when you went to sleep. I rolled up a joint and got a bit high, scrolled the internet and then went to sleep. There was not even a hint of death.
At five o’ clock in the morning i heard a weird crackling sound, i thought it was because you had a cold. But there was a feeling that didn’t let me go. I said to myself – what kind of a fucking doctor you are going to be, if you wont even check on her you lazy asshole. Since my sleep is very thin i woke up and so i checked, i was a bit dull from the weed and sleepy, but it seemed very weird. After a proper check up and calling up my mother for a consult and because i was confused, I saw that she had signs of stroke. I wasn’t scared, I just acted. I called the paramedics, they came after about 10-20 minutes.
After the physicians assistant, me and the paramedic chauffeur carried my grandmother down the fifth story I got the painful realization that this is really happening. The saddest part is that I was somekind of relieved because she has brought a lot of pain to our house, inflicted it on our mother, my brother. Mentally damaging and scarring them forever. Leading them to self destructive behaviour and an unhappy life.
But after the paramedics left and it was almost six or seven o’ clock in the morning, almost christmas and the sun was slowly rising. And then it hit me, it was a mental earthquake, I felt i lost my balance. Felt that everything around was fading into a oblivion of feelings. I was so numb, that i was trying to feel what would a normal person feel If his beloved grandmother would be took away to a hospital because of a stroke. I try to imitate those feelings. I felt like a phoney.
I called my girlfriend Anna, she came to support me. I was standing outside, smoking cigarettes and thinking how should I act now, how should a man in my position feel? Oh, i remember, Anna wasn’t my girlfriend then, she was my ex girlfriend because we had split up a month ago on the 18th November.
But she still came. I was acting like a man, telling that it’s fine and bottling up my feeling like I can do very well. Been a professional at this since the early days.
I called my brother, his reaction was just like I expected – yeah, okay, got it.
I thought to myself – what the fuck is wrong with you, why won’t you atleast fake it, or try to feel something and be nice. A person just died, this person is our family, we lived with here almost for twenty three years. What is wrong with you?
But I should have asked those questions to myself.
Later on, passing a few days, the family was making arrangements at the Eastern Hospital. I lived my life the usual. Then one day I came to see my grandmother. It just happened. I saw her, like a vegetable in the bed. She didnt recognise me at all. And it just happened. I bursted into tears. The gates were open, I couldn’t stop. I tried, but it just made it worse.
This immense sadness, huge pain and the feeling of loss and hopelessness just came over me. Like a dark shadow, swallowing me and bending to its will.
But now a lot of time has passed. It’s been almost two or three years since she died. I think we visited you once at the graveyard.
I still feel angry at you because all those emotions are trying to leave my body, trying to find a way out, but i’m to good at bottling up that they just linger in the space between my subconsciousness and consciousness. I hate you and i love you and I forgive you, bitch.