a million little pieces
mazliet izvilkumu no james frey "a million little pieces". man patika. mazliet par to kaa es kaadreiz esmu juties. un patiesiibaa par to par ko es domaaju briizhos kad ir kaada no depresiju reizeem - kaa zinaamas taadas videeji meedz buut divas - viena pavasarii un viena rudenii. Un tad veel mazliet par to kaa JF rehabaa sapnjos lieto vieniigos liidzekljus, kas vinjam paliidzeejushi ar to visu ciiniities.

I am alone. Alone here and alone in the world. Alone in my heart and alone in my mind. Alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as I can remember. Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a Room full of People. Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness. I am alone in my horror. Alone in my horror. I don't want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with, I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams, I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again. I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness lives in a pipe or a bottle. I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness is killing me, has already killed me, or will kill me soon. I hate that I will die alone. I will die alone in my horror.

More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel if I wasn't alone. I have tried so many times, tried to kill my loneliness with a girl or a woman, and it was never right. We would be together and be close to each other, but no matter how close we were, I still felt alone. They felt that loneliness and it made them want to get closer. When they tried, I either ran or did something to destroy what we felt for each other. I can run fast when I want to run fast, and I've always been good at destroying things. Not one of them would be willing to speak to me today.

I switch to the drugs. I take a deep breath and I bury my face in the pile of coke and I inhale and my nostrils turn to fire and the back of my throat becomes an inferno. I take a breath, inhale, take a breath, inhale, take a breath, inhale. Too much too fast and my nose starts bleeding. I wipe the blood away and I take a breath and I inhale. I do it again. The killing has started, but I'm not close to being done.
...
I hold and the rush gains speed and power and it gros, consumes and overwhelms me. I feel good again, perfect magnificent and invincible, like the power of every orgasm I've ever had, could ever have and will ever have has been concentrated into a single moment. Oh my God, I'm coming. Oh my fucking God, I'm coming. Let it come let it come let it come let it come. Let it fucking come.