crazy convictions
i was violently wrenched from sleep this morning, to my mother touching my arm and of course to that all too familiar feeling of sickness associated with doing things that don't feel natural. call me crazy but an 'examination' for a subject i don't even care for seems unnatural. waking up from a beautiful dream to be confronted with this world doesn't feel natural. i began semi-studying, growing ever more anxious not by the minute but by the second. it became obvious i was screwed. i curled up into a foetus & listened to 'teardrop' by massive attack & thought about how i only want to do things that feel natural from now on; i only want to do things that dont revolt in waves of nausea inside my tummy. so i just suddenly sat upright & decided: i'm not going to my exam. and my exam started five minutes ago, and i'm not there, and that's that. my mum understood. i didn't expect her, or anybody to understand my principles, but she did, and i am probably calmer for that.the best part of this is: after i made that decision, instinctively i sat down and wrote three pages of a new novel. it just came out. the second i decided to rebel against things i don't find pleasure in (not that i didn't unconsciously do it already) what did come natural just fell out of me, on to the page. it was weird & prodigious & i like it. i don't regret my decision, no matter how snap second it was; in fact i am most pleased with myself.