8/9/12 01:03 am - Killing the naive me...it's about time.Honey this is the last time you read me as open book. You wanted games, you get 'em. " Kevin Rudolf - Let It Rock ft. Lil Wayne
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Andromeda
Life long story
8/2/12 12:14 pm - Melnais caurumsLielā stagnācija iestājusies. Ir tik jauki, ka atrodas tādi cilvēki, kas izvelk ārā un uzmundrina, un parunājās. Citādi jau vienu brīdi likās, ka ļaušu sevi iesūkt melnajam caurumam. Biju jau atkal veiksmīgi aizmirsusi, kas esmu un ko daru. Tā gadās, kad pazaudējās tie cilvēki, kurus vajag visvairāk. Tā, gadās, ja pats sev vairs netic un notic, ka nevienam neesi vajadzīgs un nekam nederīgs. Dusmas uz cilvēkiem, ka viņi liek citiem tā justies, kad zinu, ka var būt arī savādāk, ka pati varu likt citiem justies īpašiem un vajadzīgiem, ka var mīlēt, ka jāmīl. Gribas savu matu krāsu atpakaļ. Laikam būs jāmēģina vēlreiz atgriezties. Pacietība jāaudzina. Nekas neskan
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7/4/12 10:59 pm - Don't cryNē, es nesēdēšu un neraudāšu visu dienu, katru dienu. Es priecāšos par visiem jaukajiem un brīnišķīgajiem mirkļiem, kas bija."Your tears hurt me and you", "You love me? Then stop crying, I am not dead!" There are no goodbyes, there is till next time. And till next time I have lot of work to do with myself. I want to get back on my feet. All this time I thought that I lost it somehow. That I am not good enough, I can't handle things as good as I did, that I am not pretty enough, smart enough. "You are just stupid." Reality check from the ones that are dear to me. I am smart and I can handle more than I think I can right now. I just need to pick my ass up of the chouch and go chase after those dreams. Like today for example, my boss asked me to write some thoughts about city why I think it is worth to visit it so we could make brochure for tourists. After she read my writing, she said I really know how to capture things and present them so that people can let their imaginations walk the streets of the city just by reading. And just before she said it, I was laughing in my head that soon I will be professional at that kind of pieces. Just need to keep working and finally believe what other people can see. Need to work so till next time I could be that strong, smart and intelligent lady I always wanted to become. 30 seconds to mars - Oblivion
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6/21/12 11:33 pm - Cage or not to cageCan't get few lines out of my head. I know only that there is lot of work to be done before I can say I'm at the place I want to be. Like some people say, I am young and stupid. I can get wiser by time. But are we really getting wiser? Will I ever stop learning and gathering experiences or will I get stuck like so many people out there. As some people get older they start to play safe, taking things for granted, setting frames and rules for themselves. Do they set themselves free or cage themselves forever? Can cage be freedom? And aren't our ideals and future selves sort of a frame we try to put ourselves into?
Today I'm random-thinking. Again I'm waiting. Counting every day, hour and minute. I know it is kind of pathetic, but I really don't care about anything else right now. Just five more days. Muse - Invincible
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6/16/12 03:32 pm - You were my sunshine baby.Maybe I'm just fool and don't know nothing about people or love. But I can't deny that I have never felt more alive and yet I'm dead. Maybe it's just that I can't split myself in smaler pieces and give you only one part of me. If I give in, I give in completely. Please, don't tell me - sweety, it's just life you have to adapt. I will learn, get wiser, get more expierence, but I will not give up on my beliefs.Just don't know how to be anymore. Queen - I want to break free
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5/16/12 11:00 pm - Mācos...Nekas nav ideāli, bet tāpēc es nemetīšos atpakaļ tur, kur biju. Tas būtu nepieņemami pielaist tās pašas kļūdas. Es mācos no savām kļūdām.So I will get my emotional shit together and stand over it strong and patient. Pati sevi nevaru ciest, kad palieku tāda nīkulīga, sevis žēlotāja un dzenos pakaļ bezjēgā. Nevienam no tā nav nekāda labuma. Tādā stāvoklī nav brīnums, ka viss, ko sagaidu ir pilnībā pretēji tam, ko saņemu. It begins with me. Still it doesn't change my decision, my feelings and choice for him. I shall not kneel, I shall not rule. I shall respect myself and the other, even if I feel undervalued and less important than anything else for him. Last time I checked this feeling of not being appreciated was the one thing that screwed everything up. Chris Cornell - You know my name
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5/9/12 07:18 pm - Enjoy the momentJo nekas nav mūžīgs un tieši tāpēc katrs mirklis ir dārgums. "Because I know, you would never do those things. You are not that type of person." "If I didn't care about you, could you be here right now?"
Be yourself, be pure. Breaking Benjamin - The Diarie of Jane
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5/9/12 01:13 am - Moment of happinessBrīži, kad saproti - he cares and nothing else matters. Something told me not to give up.
Calvin Harris - bounce
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5/6/12 12:14 am - Don't know what to do...Pacietīgi nogaidu īsto brīdi. Vajag man pateikt to, kas iekšā deg. Nepamet sajūta, ka varbūt neesmu pilnībā vienaldzīga.Ļaudis apkārt šķiet visi kā viens ir vienojušies manā pusē. Esmu pārsteigta. Varbūt tad neesmu vienīgā, kurai šķiet, ka var būt arī citādāk. Always believing in good of people. It's never too late to be a better human being. Be the best you can be. I've learned how to forgive, by forgiving myself. There is no black or white. |
5/2/12 09:51 pm - Tā tām būs būt...Feeling better of myself. Even taught in my dreams he was there all the time and I felt urge to talk to him and apologize. Sakritības kārtā šodien visi sapulcējās uz āra grilēšanām un burgeru ēšanām. Gandrīz palaidu garām, bet ejot uz pilsētu satiku Deividu, kas pastāstīja, ka tādas lietas notikšoties. Viņš arī tur bija. Tad nu beidzot bez nekādām sāpēm biju tur, kur viņš arī. Sapratu, ka jā - viņš ir muļķis un viņš to pierādīja turoties kopā ar tādiem pašiem muļķiem, viņa pelēkajiem kardināliem. Nav vairs žēl, ka tā beidzās viss. Tā tam vienkārši vajadzēja būt. Jau sen vajadzēja. Tagad jūtos daudz labāk un zinu, ka nevienam vairs neļaušu sevi sagraut tā. Šeit ir vasarīgi, var vilkt t-kreklus un vasaras kurpītes. Vasarīgums, protams, arī palīdz.
I love myself again and I forgive myself. And I'll do everything from this point on, to become better person. Coldplay - Princess of China Rihanna
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5/1/12 09:35 pm - CoctailBack and forth with my thoughts. Brīžiem šķiet tagad viss ir vienkārši, esmu tikai es. Brīžiem gribētos kādu samīļot. Brīžiem šķiet, ka sirds nobeigsies. Tad atkal viss apmācas un paliek skumji un vēsīgi. Saritinos sedziņā un pazūdu domu plašumos. Tad atkal sajūtos vainīga un gribas atvainoties. Pēc brīža cenšos iestāstīt, ka tā nebija tikai mana vaina un ka viņš ir muļķis. Eh, sviests. Paralēli tam visam eksāmeni. Drīz jau būs cauri arī lietas ar šo skolu un tad mēnesis atpūtai, tad Igaunija. Tā ir. Jāsaņemas. David Arnold, Michael Price - The Woman
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5/1/12 02:04 am - Leave me alone you fools!SH: "I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work..." Still, will you have dinner with me?
Sometimes I don't understand some people. Right now I don't want anyting from anyone. Just leave me alone, you fools! There is nothing I can possibly give you and you can't fix me by saying nice things. I reject them as they seem unreal and unnecessary. I have no interest in you or what you can offer to me. All the attempts just reopens newly closed wounds. All the little things special about him and me just hounts me on every corner. I close my eyes and still can see and feel the closeness of two souls. So don't even try, as I feel like betraying these memories and pureness of them. David Arnold, Michael Price - SHERlocked
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4/29/12 10:22 pm - Stand strongTuros. Šorīt pamodos un jutos tik draņķīgi. Atkal gribējās vainot sevi par visu, kas bijis un izbijis. Vajadzēja krietnu laiku, lai saņemtos atkal un kaut ko visāpr sāktu darīt. Biju ārā pastaigāties un izvēdināt prātu. Es biju gatava dot, bet otra puse nē. End of story. Tikai tizli, ka procesā gandrīz pazaudējos un ļāvu sevi locīt un mocīt kā tik tīk. Tā tam nevajadzēja būt, bet tas pieredzei. Line stands - Get over it! Man ir superīgākie draugi, bez viņiem es nezinu ko iesāktu.
Just need little time to stand strong again, to raise and be the person I want to be. Not the stepping stone. Scorpions - Still loving you
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4/29/12 03:26 am - Over.Viss beidzies. Gaidu, kad out of sight, out of mind sāks darboties. Pagaidām izmests no skype un facebook. Nobloķēju arī, un visus viņa pelēkos kardinālus un draugus arī. Mazāk redzēšu, mazāk sāpēs. Vismaz es ceru. Vajadzēja pielikt tam punktu, varbūt vajadzēja jau sen to izdarīt. Bet kas bijis, bijis. Vairs nevienu tā klāt nelaidīšu un arī neļaušu pa galvu staigāt. Ejiet Jūs visi ieskrieties! Ienīstu. Nekas neskan
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4/25/12 03:07 pm - Broken...Prāts man saka, ka esmu pilnīga idiote, ka spēju vispār kaut ko just pret tādu cilvēku. Mana stulbā sirds žņaudzas nost. Gribas visu salabot, bet vai tas maz ir iespējams?Nebūtu cilvēki ar kuriem parunāties, drošvien nojūgtos no sāpēm. Gribas aprunāties, bet dauzos pie aizslēgtām durvīm. Atliek tikai samierināties un nogrimt sāpju okeāna dzelmē. Breaking Benjamin - Forget it
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4/24/12 12:34 am - ...Man tik ļoti sāp! Izstāstīt nevaru cik ļoti. Gaidu, kad paliks vieglāk, kad beidzot piebeigs mani. Gribas neko nejust un nesajukt procesā. Paramore - The Only Exception
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4/21/12 03:34 am - You deserve more...Just know what you are really worth. So many people have reminded me. It feels good to know there are actually people out there who appreciate my values and who I am. Gives me courage to continue and grow more.It is funny, how one said once, that I need to be more social and make more friends. I never like to throw myself on people. I always wait for right time, and when I make friends, they really are my friends. I don't need friends who I say hello sometimes and ask how I am. I need friends who can be there for me when I need support, and same, I can be there for them. Most of all - just be yourself. It always works. "- Why don't you let people see good in you? - - Because when people see good, they expect good... and I don't want to have live up to anyones expectations.-" Kā naglai uz galvas. /TVD/ Breaking Benjamin - The Diarie of Jane
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4/13/12 12:04 am - One day I'll tell you...I don't want to be afraid all the time, that every step I take can turn into mistake. I don't want to make myself more simple, only because then everything is easier for you.I don't want to hurt you, but sometimes I wish you could suffer as much as I do. And I know it's wrong. And I wish you all the best. I know you will find what you are looking for. I just hope I left some footprints in your heart and mind.
 I don't need any more part time people in my life. Blue October - Hate Me LIVE (END Sessions)
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4/9/12 09:00 pm - Spy games...Vienmēr patikušas spiegu un prāta spēlītes. Love them. Jau no bērna kājas. Tad nu es te nedaudz paspiegošu, pavērošu un paspēlēšos. Redzēsim, kas no tā sanāks. Piektdiena tuvojas un jo tuvāk tā nāk, jo lielāks excitement parādās. Muhahā! You have no idea! "Letty: I smell skanks. Why don't you girls just pack it up before I leave tread marks on your face. "
Tajā pat laikā darbojos ap projektu, kas nu jau apriebies līdz kliņķim. Nav ne jausmas, ko mans projekta vadītājs par to visu teiks, bet redzot cik "ļoti" aizrautīgi tiek atbildēts uz maniem ē-pastiem, šķiet viņam pie kājas. Katrā ziņā kas jādara, tiks izdarīts. Kā? Tas ir cits jautājums. Pēc šīm projekta šausmām, kārtīgi pastrādāšu pie visa tā, kam nav sanācis laika, vai kam nespēju pieķerties, kamēr nemiers un domas grozās ap ko citu. Filter - Hey man, nice shot
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4/8/12 12:21 am - IdentitāteTu esi patiesi drosmīgs tad, kad saproti, ka esi kļūdījies, pazaudējies, atzīsti to un sper pirmo soli, lai labotos un atrastos atkal no jauna. Tad nu es gribu būt drosmīga.Un šodien es atkal sapratu cik īpaša, katra cilvēkbūtne ir. Cik īpašs cilvēkbērns es biju. Maziņa, ziņkārīga, laimīga un nenogurstoša dvēselīte. Es neesmu un nekad nebūšu tipiskās bārbijmeitenes, nebūšu visu zinošo un pārgudro caciņu prototips. Es esmu es. Es esmu tā dīvainā, ap ugunskuru dancojošā, dabu mīlošā, skaļi smejošā, trakā meitene. Es esmu muļķīga, navulīte, kas tic labajam cilvēkos. Gatava atvērt savu sirdi katram, kam, kas sper kaut vienu soli tuvāk. Es zinu, kas es esmu, pateicoties visiem maniem mīļajiem. Priecīgas Lieldienas!  Šodien es krāsošu oliņas un lēkāšu pie Iļģu mūzikas. Jo es esmu Latviete! Un tāpēc, ka mana omīte zināja, ko ielikt manā sirsniņā un es nekad neaizmirsīšu to īpašo sajūtu. Iļģi - acis veras, aizveras
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