Shodien R prasiiju vai vinjam kaadreiz ir dad guilt.. vinjsh, pilniigi identiskaa manieree kaa dads of Instagram atbild, ka 'what's that?'. Tad es njemos vinjam skaidrot un atstaastiit, kaa maates juutaas vainiigas par pilniigi visu, ko dara vai nedara, un vai vinjam kaadreiz ir taads moments par jebko when it comes to kids.. vinjsh protams, tajaa pashaa manieree atbild 'huh, no?'

Is that a mom thing or just a woman thing in general? Taakaa my brain has been damaged by not having slept in 3 years, es nekaadi neatceros vai es jutos tik bezdibeniigi vainiiga par visu arii pre kids as well?

Then again, mr brightside says, when you have too much guilty feeling it turns into unfeeling it too intensely, and it sort of numbs itself out. And then if you manage to steer clear of being all cynical and bitter and aesthetic pathetic about it, you become just a tiny bit more productive and fine in your heart.

2 slimi beerni un pati slima is my Aquarius retrograde. Neesam bijushi aaraa nedeelju, but i have a new lust for life jo ir atgriezusies garsha un smarzha. Tagad tikai gaidu kad chunky izveseljosies, kad smart pants beigs punjkjoties un kad R turpinaas buut strong male that gets no virus.

Plus muusu eekaa vakar bija ugunsgreeks. Looks like we need to buy a lottery ticket.

Cik ilgi cilveeks var izdziivot, mostoties ik peec stundas. Liidz ko mana saapiigaa galva iegrimst miikstaa, smarshiigaa spilventinjaa gultas kaajgalii, taa kaads kunkst un vaid un spaarda un prasa, lai es nakts viduu atkal seezhu un sintezeeju asinis pienaa, vientulji lasot bezjeedziigi banaalus tviitus par Trampu vai visaadiem muusdienu AI spokiem. I feel drained and lonely and everything hurts. Labi, man taa buutu paradiize mosties 5 no riita ja vien es vareetu paguleet 3 stundas no vietas. Bet mosties ik peec stundas, taa nav zoliida situaacija.

Kaapeec citas mammas ir normaalas un speej izveidot veseliigus grafikus kameer es esmu muuzhiigaa self inflicted cieteeja.

Es senaak biju cilveeks ar domaam un kaut minimaalu bet esoshu praata coherence. Tagad es esmu kaut kaads tireklis, saapiigs receklis, un mans ieksheejais eksistenciaalists ir vispaar aizgaajis groteskaa AI stila Pessoa demonaa.

Protams, ka parenthood ir laime pilniiga ar kafiju rudeniigaa parkaa, kad tu esi izguleejies un kad visi ir veseli. Bet kad tu esi notriecies ar saapiigaam, vientuljaam smadzeneem then you know that I'm no good.

PHEW

Tas kaa visas lielaas slaveniibas atbalsta Kamalu ir sheer creepy. Un es pat nezinu kaapeec, it just gives me weird shudder and a sense of doomy reconfirmation?

Iedomaajieties dziivi, kur viena domineejoshaakaa doma dienu un nakti ir, ko naakamo vajag sakaartot. Taa ir mana dziive, bezgaliiga nekaartiiba, ko es vaargi meegjinu katru dienu, katru stundu, katru minuuti kaartot, and mostly it is all relentlessly futile. Protams es tikuntaa esmu laimiiga. Vieniigais, man ir jautaajums - vai citus cilveekus nekaartiiba arii tik dramatiski ievaino?

Jau atkal, atliek no riita izdzert bloody kafiju, un esiiba ir vieglinja un skaistinja kaa omuliiga ozolziiliite oranzhiigajaas rudentinja lapaas dusot. No riita pirms izdomaataas probleemas atkal izdomaajas.

Es sort of gribu izlasiit Borisa Dzhonsona memuaaru.

Having children is the biggest fear and anxiety and dread there can ever be. The key is to realize fear is a natural and a necessary part of existence, especially of motherhood. It is a perilous mission to be survived.

Dahzreiz man vienkaarshi gribas raudaat no taa, cik smags slogs ir konstantas bailes par vinjiem. Cik daudz bailju smadzenes vispaar var iztureet?

Es laikam beidzot saprotu, kaapeec vairs nevaru paskatiities shausmenes vai jebko remotely a tad too spooky. Mans praats ir tik piesaatinaats ar baileem, ka its just brutally way too much to consume any extra fear voluntarily.

Dudes, don't watch the Substance tho.

"Love isn't something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn't a feeling, it is a practice."

Esmu aizvadiijusi teju 7 meeneshus dekreetaa, un veel 2 meeneshi palikushi ar pabalstu un 3 bez pabalstiem.

Domaashana par darbu man shkjiet tik absurda it kaa es buutu 5gadnieks kam tagad jaaliek LinkedIn savs rezumee un jaapretendee uz poziicijaam lol.

Es esmu tik intensiivi un ilgi pavadiijusi savas ikdienas esot beerns + apkopeeja, ka es nezinu vairs kaa buut pieaugushais vai straadaat vai lietot datoru. Man pat knapi sanaak buut sievietei un sievai. Es juutos kaa yucky dumb apkopeeja, kuras vieniigais skillset ir deranged loving and servitude for tiny humans.

Es atkal esmu taa kokosriekstu bulcinju paardeveeja no Zaaliishu pagrabinja kafejniicas.

Es visu laiku naivaa kristieshu manieree flirteeju ar sveeto garu, ka varbuut es vinneeshu loterijaa un nebuus jaatgriezhas darbaa?

Atstaat beernus childcare lai ietu pelniit naudu ko maksaat childcare lai tiktu pie ekstra paaris simtiem maarcinju par ko var nopirkt basic paartiku un toletes papiiru 2 nedeeljaam, shkjiet banaali un visvairaak - cietsirdiigi.

Basically if you want to be caring natural present mother don't be poor.

Also amn ir bail kad S un K paaugsies un ieraudziis ka vinju mammai nav karjera and she is not intellectual therefore they will dismiss my authority and pity me.

Buut laamei citu aciis is a kick but having children makes everything for real and emotionally painful, all your shortcomings and faults and sins.

Es galvenokaart juutos kaa slikta maate, jo nespeeju iedot beerniem vairaak par miilestiibu un loloshanu, un unlimited breastmilk on tap. Es neesmu intelektuaala un aizraujosha, taapeec visu laiku ir sajuuta ka neattiistu S potenciaalu, jo vinjsh ir tik gjeniaals un pashapziniigs jau 3 gadu vecumaa. Miilestiiba vien ir garlaiciiga un neiedod neko, lai staatos pretim pasaulei.

dudes, Slow Horses tho

Ok, so es Latvijaa nebiju bijusi 2 gadus. Un tagad sheit esot man atkal jaaraud un jaatripo bumbas, protams.

Pirkaart jau nolaizhoties - saldais Riigas gaiss ir kaa dzidrs eleksiirs, kas glaasta Anglijas suuri noplikjeeto vaigu.

Naakamkaart, pilniigi viss ko acs skata ir attiistiita, civilizeeta, zoliida valsts, kameer Anglija ir dabiski treshaas pasaules valsts.

Drogas always hits differently.

Rimi hits differently.

Everything hits my soul differently.

Bet pavisam transcendentaali un eksistenciaali nopietni - cilveeki te ir tik skaisti un kustaas un dziivo kaa viens organisms. Deelj taa arii gaisa energjeetika ir gluda un viegla un dziedeejosha, bez psihiskiem trauceejumjem un saraustiijumiem, un draudiem, kaa Anglijaa.

Atrasties Riigaa. 1. (2.) Septembrii pavisam ir gariiga gavile! Tik daudz zoliidas un gliitas jaunaas paaudzes ar pukjiiteem redzeet vienuviet - naakotne, ceriiba, Dieva uzvara un muuzhiigais apsoliijums!

Es nevaru aptvert sho gariigo bagaatiibu, kas arvien rada Latviju. Es varu tikai saldseeriigi izsamist un samierinaaties!

People are insane not to cherish every tedious moment of their life, not to feel grateful for the smallest simplicities, not to feel completely rich with roof, food and few loved ones. Every such given moment is heaven on earth.

Dazhreiz man ir tik ljoti bail no vaardiem, ko tie vareetu noziimeet, izraisiit, no to speeka, noburtiibas. Klusumu vismaz neviens neredz.. tikmeer kameer par to nepazinjo.

Shodien playground satiku fellow mammu kura vispaar pateica, ka it's nurseries that cause autism. Ka mazam beernam pavadiit laiku ar totaaliem sveshiniekiem ir pietiekams trieciens psihei, lai ko taadu izraisiitu.

Tad ieguugleeju par mother's gaze for infants development, and how non-maternal care deprives of it.

Tad ieguugleeju kaa autism rates are most prevalent in feminist countries that "supports" working moms and have have pronounced nursery - non-maternal care trend.

Whoa, papinj!

Is God a permissive/coddling parent?

"There is a pleasure in the victory and wonder of being simple."

"There is a victory in the pleasure and wonder of being simple."

Tik biezhi man ir sirdij svariigas atzinjas ko pierakstiit, bet dziive ir tik neatkariiga no manaam domaam un speeji pluustosha, ka visas atzinjas kaut kur maznoziimiigi aizripo. Bet tas ir labi, ja dziive ir galvenaaka par praatuljojumiem.

"So, the more you try to change people, is a reflection of your ego avoiding to make a change within yourself."

The one where abuelita burns a pot of beans on the stove, house is consumed by smoke demons, your partner stays up all night jamming with ozone machine, and you and the kids take shelter with friends who give you gnochi and coffee and toast and unconditional help." :')

Taa kaa beerni kopee pieaugusho visu, tad peedeejaa laikaa, ja es izdaru kaut ko kas S neshkjiet pienjemams, vinjsh saka "mamma, naughty boy!"

Par trigger warnings teaatros..bet arii par eksistenci innit:

"'Don’t come if you are worried’
He told an audience at London South Bank University: “How do you do [content warnings] for Titus Andronicus? You just don’t come. Don’t come if you are worried, if you are anxious – stay away.”"

Es nogalee pirmo reizi pa daudziem gadiem aizgaaju uz karsto jogu, jo R mani piespieda (laikam domaa ka es esmu resna taatad, kas es dabiski esmu, nodziivojusies liidz ekstra 8kg peec K piedzimshanas).

Un man palika jautri, jo es atceros kaa pirmo reizi uzsaaku karsto jogu Birmingham pirms kaadiem 14 gadiem I think!? Kad biju piipeejosha, dzerstosha, staigaajosha depresiiva boheema. Parstaa rutiina bija pagjiraina punishment joga pecpusdienaa, un tad uzreiz uz baaru dzert liidz oblivion.

Tagad esmu slobby, fluffy divu beernu mamma, kur mana vieniigaa doma uzreiz peec jogas ir paspeet maajaas, lai nenokaveetu K ik 3 stundu breastfeeding window.

What people don't understand is that motherhood is an ongoing operation, which you simply cannot take a coffee break from, forever!

It's like telling Muad'Dib to take a break from Harkonens and Fremen drama to go have a chill late and watch a movie or pamper himself or something.

Just as any operative you have a suitable uniform which is milk or food stained chavy clothes, and there is no 'me time', that is unprofessional and delusional, and possibly harmful.

And you are forever drained and depleted and barely alive, as you have drank the worm poison and there is no going back, love.

The lisan al gaib dude :D - my concise spiritual aspiration.

Seriously, how do people afford food?

Motherhood is quiet, relentless survival.

Peec meenesha pavadiita 4 dazhaados NICU beidzot riit braucam maajaas...
Something tells me I haven't even begun being a total nervous wreck.

'Not “gender critical “. She is truthful and scientifically accurate."

I've never felt worse physically. I feel like a very old, fragile person. Where any prospect of stairs or longer distances or even leaving house is daunting and a huge exertion.

It is really demoralising for me not be able to be my usual active self, to clean and cook for my family and to be a good worker at my job.

I really fear labour and if I will be even more broken afterward.

I know I just need a healthier perspective, but it is challenging to maintain when you've felt injury for a long while.

I hope spring comes soon and lifts my spirits.

Pazinjojums!

Mans vieteejais indieshu veikalinjsh ir saacis paardot saldeejumu Pols! Vai nav savaadi un lieliski!?

Labaak buutu ja Karlsonu, bet still.

Jesss.

Finding a way to complain about things without corrupting your soul and sounding like a whiny little cunt is golden.

Dažreiz vienkārši gribas pasūdzēties par visu, kas ir grūti. Bet nu nedrīkst to darīt, jo tad uzreiz pārņem pretīgums un tāda sajūta, it kā tu esi lēta, čīkstoša Ķīnas mēbele. Bet tu nessi priekšmets - tu taču esi imago dei an all. Iedomājies, ja Dievs izdomātu tagad kā kaut kāds uppity Žižex ka viss ir pretīgs un nolemts and so on and so on and on, and there is no point in averting bad stuff and no point in lending a helping hand and divine inspiration to anyone. That would be unacceptable and ridiculous.

Man gribas domāt, ka visas sūdzības rodas no fakta, ka pasaule un cilvēki ir krituši, nevis no fakta, ka trūktu labais un bezgalīgs potenciāls nebūtu iespējams. Tāpēc jau prāts tendējas visu laiku būt tik scrambled, jo kritumība visu laiku jaucās ar dvēseli plosošo pateicību un transcendentālā apjausmu.

Mīlestības pierādījums ir katru dienu izdzīvot un izrausties no elles, kur pasaule grib tevi ievilkt. Just don't go there and love will carry you in unknown delightful ways.

Shoriit bija bailiigi. Es taa steidzos uz darbu, ka peec 15 minuushu sprinta uz metro, liftaa man palika tik gruuti elpot, ka es knapi nenogjiibu. Pirmo reizi muuzhaa man naacaas prasiit sveishiniekam lai paliidz. Saakumaa, es vienkaarshi nobeeru chetriem onkuljiem, kas bija liftaa "can you help me please, i think i will faint". Bet 3 no vinjiem pat nepagriezaas uz manu pusi un vienkaarshi izkaapa no lifta un aizsteidzaas. Viens zoliidi gjeerbies onklulis atskatiijaas, taapeec es atkaartoju " excuse me, I'm so sorry but can you help, i don't feel to well, I'm pregnant" uz ko vinjsh tad arii noreagjeeja. Pavadiija mani zem rokas liidz platformas solinjiem un piekodinaaja, ka labaak gan buutu neiet uz darbu.

Elpa kaut kaa atgtiezaas, bet shis noteikti nepaliidz manam overall doom and dread anxiety funfair. Kad daktere teica, lai saaku lietot dzelz tabletes, iedomiigi nodomaaju, ka this is beneath me - the goddess of natural pregnancy. Bet nee, maajupceljaa vairs nepirkshu bulcinjas bet steiku un dzelzs tabletes.

Nu ko lai saka..

Pasaule ir kļuvusi par Mordoras priekšpilsētu. Nekas jau cits neatliek kā lēnām kārpīties kā tādam mazam, apņēmīgam hobitam. Tikai tāpēc, ka pasaule ir ļaunuma piesūkusies, nevajag pašam uzreiz lekt barā ar sunpurņiem.

Mēs nesam gaismu un patiesību savās klusajās sirdīs un neaptumšotajos prātos. Un, ja Dievs un gaismas avots patiesi kaut kur eksistē, tad viņš to redz un mēs ar viņu esam neatgriezeniski saslēgušies pie viņa vadīti. Un ja viņš neredz vai kaut kādas šaubas arvien aptumšo un norobežo, tikuntā gaismai un patiesībai mūsu sirdīs un neaptumšotos prātos ir superiora augstākā esības vērtība.

Arvien griežaties projām no garīgiem viepļiem un nešķīsteņiem. Es novēlu jums visiem jaunajā 2024. gadā spītīgi un dumpinieciski pieturēties pie gaismas un patiesības, kas ir vienīgā taustāmā vērtība visā multiversa esības bezgalībā. Dzīvojiet pašapzinīgi un priecīgi savā gaismas un patiesības klusībā!

Wonka arī ir Idiots - how sweet!

Pasaule leenaam gaazhaas rinjkjii kaa saluuzis kugjis.

"The rank hypocrisy is appalling, but it is not surprising. Left-wing academics that downplay individual agency and focus on “structural” and “indirect” discrimination caused, they argue, by societal power imbalances, cannot explain why a successful minority group could, in fact, be victims of racism. In critical race theory, where the all-encompassing concept of “whiteness” is the route of oppression, the spring from which all racism flows, how could a seemingly white-adjacent group themselves be subject to discrimination? The self-loathing over our past they derive from post-colonial studies only empowers these followers with a missionary-like self-righteousness and brazenness. The outcome is twofold: flagrant racism from self-professed anti-racists; and terrorist apologias as they confront the real-world consequences of hitherto theoretical “resistance”."

Basically, Oktobrī mani priekšnieki pārdeva viesnīcu pēc 10 kopā nostrādātiem gadiem. Viesnīcu nopirka multinacionāla kompānija, un par jauno priekšnieci ielika manu mileniāļu divdesmitsešgadīgo kolēģi, jo es desmitreiz atteicos, jo esmu preggers un tāpat nekad negribētu neko nekā menedžēt izņemot savu ceļu pie Jēzus. Tagad viss jūk pa vīlēm, jo neviens neko nemāk, un multincionālajai kompānijai protams ka viss, izņemot naudu, ir vienalga.

Nevaru sagaidīt, kad varēšu martā notīties no šī skumjā vraka uz mūžīgiem laikiem. Mans darbiņš bija mans vienīgais respite no degradētās pasaules, jo priekšnieki bija vienkārši tik apbrīnojami decent cilvēki (līdz brīdim kad viņi notinās, bet nu oh well, I guess this too can be understood), kas šo vietu padarīja par secretly amazaingly special oasis.

Visus šos gadus man bija absolūtā privilēģija neienīst savu darbu, kā pārējiem. Bet tagad I am all bitter and frustrated always. Un jautājums paliek.. ko gan jel es darīšu pēc šī maternity!? (drebēšana un trīcēšana)

Who beeds happiness when you can survive and reproduce!

'They are Man's,' said the Spirit, looking down upon
them. 'And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers.
This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both,
and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy,
for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the
writing be erased.

Patriarhaats!

Vakar skatiijos Noelle xmas filmu, un nodomaaju - how uncanny! Protams, ka Santa ir visticamaak sieviete! How unlikey it is for a man to get all the Christmas presents lol.

Sometime during life you irrevocably reach The point where sitting in silence and staring into distance

"A charismatic populist with slicked-back, lightning-white hair"

Dievs, es taču esmu tavs apkaunojoši pazemīgais kalps, gatavs stumt un vāķīt un rušināties. Ak, atsūti man darbu, kas ir gan apgādājošs gan dvēseli nedegradējošs. Vai arī sakruķī man voblu tā, lai man neriebtos tas, kas man tagad ir jādara.

Long story short, mani mentally drained un arī mazliet materiaālistiskie bosi par miljonu miljoniem pārdeva savu biznesu, un tagad man ir jauni bosi, kas neko nerubī un visu grib galēji sačakarēt, jo viņus interesē tikai dramatisks bankrots. Protams, man tas vēl ir jāizcieš tikai 4 mēnešus, but ideally es negribu ciest bet gan take cushy things for granted kā līdz šim.

I just really wish that after maternity I would not have to look for an approximately tolerably pleasant job and sell myself. That the world would recognise my unique set of skills that can be utilized generously and to a multigalactic benefit.

I would just really love to have my dream job as being something like an Executive PA to Jesus.

Meh, bļe.

"Maternity hospital downgraded over use of term 'mother'.

Cambridge University Hospital Trust under scrutiny for using the word in maternity leave policies, losing points in NHS diversity assessment."

Man patiik, ka rudenii, Novembrii, vienu dienu atnaak liels veejsh un norauj kokiem visas aarishkjiigaas lapas, taa it kaa vinjsh teiktu: "Pietiek! Laiks tumsai un apcerei!."

Escaping Twin Flames is another level brutal mindfuck. I cannot believe the things people do. I can only believe the realness of Satan.

""Queers for Palestine” has become the source of much online mirth in recent weeks, following Hamas’s October 7 pogrom. And deservedly so. People have compared it to “Chickens for KFC”. I saw one comment on Instagram noting that if these people actually went to Palestine, especially Hamas-ruled Gaza, their pronouns would be “was / were”."