Garastāvoklis:	disappointed
Mūzika:	mind is a prison by alec benjamin

crazy times
l'oiseau

i do not even know what i want to say. so many things have happened and/or changed since i came home, which was the 24th of march. the most significant date has to be the 14th of may - the day when my boy best friend of 7 years confessed his feelings for me, and also the day i confessed my feelings to another boy i have known for about 3 years (but he has been my friend for a year). at first, it felt like a complete mess. i cried multiple times during that day, mainly because i was (and am) so scared of losing my best friend. i believe he experiences quite strong feelings (judging from past experience, when he had a crush on luna for literal years). for me it is a bit different, i knew i was safe to confess my feelings for that other boy because i knew i would be rejected (it was very obvious) and i have dealt with rejection quite often, whilst he has friend zoned multiple girls, so it kind of worked out between us and there has been no awkwardness whatsoever, we just discussed it that one evening and moved on. however, with my best friend it was different, i did not see him for two weeks (and between all that the boy i have a crush on had a big birthday party (which my best friend also attended), it was a bit awkward then because my best friend practically avoided me). i could just use their initials i guess. the best friend is J, whilst the one i have a crush on is P. when i finally met J, things seemed fine, but he had changed quite noticeably, his behaviour seemed rather reckless (very unusual of him) and it felt like he was trying to lock himself up so he would not feel vulnerable/emotional. it just hurt a bit, seeing a somewhat different person in front of me, he changed so much in just two weeks. i do not know how things will work out in the long term, i think it could be fine after some time, but right now i am still very unsure of our future.
since i came home i have tried mdma once and edibles twice (can definitely say i prefer mdma, although brownies were good, too). i had a half of a brownie this thursday and amongst all that laughter, hapiness and fun i kept having some kind of 'reality checks', like i was just full heartedly laughing and suddenly felt like it was just so fake, that the laughter was artifical and somehow not real (i guess i might have felt like this since i am just going through yet another low period). i do not know, it just felt like i was almost dependent on all these substances or whatever to just have fun, and i am scared of it. i feel like day by day i understand addicts more and more, and i do not mean it in a way that i can see myself becoming one, no, i just understand why they would want to escape from this reality.
i also had to do 6 exams amongst all this, and i thought i would feel relieved once they had passed, but truth be told i just feel hollow and empty, like there is no real purpose for me now. i mean, i will probably look for a job, but it all feels so pointless. maybe it is just pms and other things that are making me feel this low. yesterday i met up with J, my sister and two other friends, and i was right, it was not as good as it is with P, by that i mean it was not as fun, i felt kind of bored, like there was nothing to do. we went to bed quite early (1 am, we tend to stay up until like 4 usually with P) and i just felt really meh, the alcohol did not hit at all and i had more, i just did not want it suddenly, it felt like there was no point in drinking. am i really that dependent on his presence? am i? it is just so miserable, i thought i felt like he had no power over me, and yet here i am, just craving the tiniest piece of attention, stalking his spotify to see if he is listening to something he showed me/a song he really likes et cetera, it is just sooo pathetic...
i get these random urges to start doing something, to finally focus on myself and self-improvement, but i just cannot bring myself to actually do anything, i just waste endless hours on tiktok literally every day. i feel a bit hopeless. i have seen my therapist three times since i came here, and i always leave feeling very good and positive, but it wears out so fast. i just want to be happy. i read some of my posts from a year ago, and some of them mentioned wanting a relationship, a close person i could love and who would love me too, and nothing has changed. i just sometimes feel so unloveable. yes, i know that like at least 3 guys have had a crush on me, but i just seem to attract the wrong type (it actually seems like there is a certain theme with all these three guys). i know i do not need attention from practically any male, i know i am better than that, but sometimes the craving is almost unbearable. i keep dreaming about hugging guys/kissing them, and i just wake up feeling so lonely. i sort of understand that i am probably not even in the right place mentally for a relationship, but when will i ever be? i just feel so doomed. my therapist said i was ready for a relationship in her opinion, but truth be told, it is so hard for me to develop a serious crush that it seems like a relationship is not ready for me. it really takes me weeks/months of getting to know someone and spending time with them, and only after quite significant time has passed and i feel like i somewhat know their personality do i develop a crush (i guess i am demi).
everything seems to be a mess. i do not know how happiness feels like anymore, i think if someone asked me when was the last time i felt genuinely happy i would not know what to answer, because i really do not know. happiness under influence seems somewhat fake. but oh, do i crave it. i guess the only thing i am looking forward to these days (as usual) is spending time with friends, both with some of them individually and in a bigger group. also, i am kind of fed up with being an ambivert. i feel like i am not as introverted as i used to be, but i am also too shy to be extroverted. i want to jump around and dance and sing, but i am often too shy or i do not have enough energy and social battery for it, and it sucks. i feel jealous of the people who can party for 12 hours and do absolute jackshit, even though i know it is not for me. they just seem so careless, whilst i am always stuck in my head, overthinking... make it stop.
my therapist told me i have to stop trying to change people and 'save' them. i know she is right, but it is just so hard to step down and be just a friend and accept people the way they are (certain people, i do not have this problem with everyone). i just see things people could improve in themselves, and i want them to do it, but they rarely do (what a surprise, right?). i also see how two people could improve their relationship, and i almost feel like it is my duty to help them, even though it is not! i have to remind myself that constantly. just let go. let them be. it is not your business.
will i ever truly love myself? there are good days and bad days, but generally it has always been the same. i just cannot, i cannot deal with myself and i do not have the energy to change anything, so i am essentially just stuck in a neverending loop of self hatred. probably that is one of the reasons i cannot attract people, no one likes insecure people. i guess i am digging my own hole here. it is almost like i want myself to suffer, isnt that just sick? like, i would never harm myself, but i have many other self destructive behaviours. have i improved at all?