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Pirms mēneša es varētu teikt kko tādu: [Jul. 20th, 2009|05:10 pm]
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[Current Mood |changable]
[Current Music |personīgā frekvence]

- Nobody ever died from lack of sleep.
- How can you be sure about that?
- Well.. I'm not. It was quote unquote Chuck Palahniuk.
- And do you think you can believe him?
- Dunno.. I would like to think so.
- Maybe you could just sleep more.
- Maybe.. But I'm not afraid of dying neither of sleep deprivation, nor any other reason.
- Hmm..
- Anyway - I'll just probably fall asleep in the middle of the street one day.
- Possibly..
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Old Book [Jul. 19th, 2009|04:51 pm]
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[Current Mood |norm]
[Current Music |prāta vētra - es jau nāku [radio]]

'If people think you're dying, they give you their full attention.'

'Mister his honor, mister chapter president of the local chapter of the national projectionist and independent theater operatos union...'

'There's a sleeper hold that gives somebody just enough ar to stay awake.'

'A moment is the most you can ever expect from perfection.'

'A law is a law. [...] Driving too fast was the same as setting a fire was the same as planting a bomb was the same as shooting a man.
A criminal is a criminal is a criminal.'



'The amazing miracle of death, when one second you're walking and talkins, and the next, you're an object.'


'Generations have been working in jobs they hate, just so they can buy what they don't really need.'


'All night long, your thoughts are on the air.
Am I sleeping? Have I slept at all? This is the insomnia.
Try to relax a little more with every breath out, but your heart's still racing and your thoughts tornado in your head.
Nothing works. Not guided meditation.
You're in Ireland.
Not counting sheep.
You count up the days, hours, minutes since you can remember falling asleep. Your doctor laughed. Nobody ever died from lack of sleep.'

[pazīstamas domas]

/Chuck Palahniuk "Fight Club"/



[dažos citātos ir mainīta pagātnes forma un tagadni.. pš.]
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words have power [Jul. 17th, 2009|11:05 am]
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[Current Mood |nais]
[Current Music |better not knowing]

'.. one day you're thinking and hauling yourself around, and the next, you're cold fertilizer, worm buffet. This is the amazing miracle of death..'

'Chloe was the way Joni Mitchell's skeleton would look if you made it smile and walk around a party being extra special nice to everyone.'

'Prepare to evacuate soul in ten, in nine, eight..
[...]
Death to commence in three, in two..
[...]
Prepare for the last breath, now.
Evacuate.
Now.
Soul clear the body.
Now.
Death commences.
Now.'


'Funerals are all abstract ceremony. You don't get the real experience of death at funerals.'

/Chuck Palahniuk "Fight Club"/

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New Book [Hā -> New _oo_] [Jul. 16th, 2009|08:39 pm]
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[Current Mood |unsafe]
[Current Music |dropkick murphys - i'm shipping up to boston]

'If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?'
[smieklīgi, bet man vajadzēja laiku, lai saprastu par to 'place' daļu. bet nū, nesen pati ar to nodarbojos.. aizmigu uz Igaunijas ceļiem, bet pamodos Rīgā Elizabetes ielā..]

'A single frame in a movie is on the screen for one-sixtieth of a second. [...] Only a hummingbird could have caught Tyler at work.'
[vsp varbūt tieši tāpēc, ka kolibri tik daudz spēj uztvert [un, ispējams, viņu laiks ir lēnāks] viņi tik maz dzīvo...]

'This is how it is with insomnia. Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. The insomnia distance of everything, you can't touch anything and nothing can touch you.'

'You're a giant. The problem is your shoulders are too big. Your Alice in Wonderland legs are all of a sudden miles so long they touch the feet of a person in front.'

'.. people calm as Hindu cows reach up from their seats toward oxygen masks sprung out of the ceiling.'

'.. and all of a sudden even death and dying rank right down there with plastic flowers on video as a non-event.'
[man patīk viņa salīdzinājumi]

/Chuck Palahniuk "Fight Club"/

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BLAD [Jul. 3rd, 2009|10:42 pm]
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[Current Mood |rīlī irritable]
[Current Music |none]

It seems that a miracle has happened after all -> I didn't slaughter anyone. Even my gran.
And I didn't commit a suicide either.
And.. Speaking of suicides...
I've had a peep into My_Suicide_Book today, while waiting for my turn to enjoy the waves.. and this one caught my eye:

"Wanting to die seems like it might be a part of being alive."

/Nick Hornby "A Long Way Down"/


It came again and again into some pointless discussion with myself -> if I'm alive I want to die. But if I'm already dead I don't want to die. [Nice. Very reasonable.] Is wanting to live then a part of being dead? And what if I'm alive and don't want to die? Is it possible to be dead while living? [this last one is just perfect, if I'm going to talk to a shrink. I should keep it in my mind.]

Then, all sudden, someone said to me [in my head]:

"One of the first signs of uderstanding is the wish to die."

/Franz Kafka/


So -> my conclusion -> 'part of being alive is understanding.'
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*Jāņu naktī viss notiek netīšām* /Līgo'08 atklāsme/ [Jun. 27th, 2009|12:50 am]
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[Current Mood |'pissed off']
[Current Music |muse - invincible]

'Have you ever thought about how fragile they all are? How many bad things there are that can happen to a mortal?'

/Stephenie Meyer 'Midnight Sun' (partial draft)/



- People are dying, Alfred. What would you have me do?
- Endure...

/ m/f 'The Dark Knight'/



* * *



Neskatoties uz brāļa vājo un mokpilno balsi, es biju mierīgs, kad noliku klausuli. Es noskūpstīju sievu uz vaiga un teicu, ka drīz būšu atpakaļ. Es nebiju dzēris daudz, bet viņa, saprotams, uztraucās par manām braukšanas spējām. Es teicu, ka tie ir tikai nieka 30 km turklāt tādā agrumā ceļi vēl būs tukši. [bija apmēram desmit vakarā, lielākā daļa tik ap šo laiku sāka svinēt].
Īsto pļavu es atradu ātri, kā nekā - bērnībā te paadījām ne vienu vien Jāņu nakti. Es izkāpu no mašīnas. Divas jaunkundzes tā ap 25 sēdēja pie uguskura un atgaiņājās no odiem, bet vīru nebija nekur tuvumā. Es apjautājos par brāli. Šīs izskatījās nobijušās un teica, ka visi pārējie esot nokāpuši līdz upei, bet Līga [tā acīmredzot sauca vienu no meitenēm] te esot izmežģījusi potīti un nevarot paiet, es apsveicu viņu svētkos un devos lejā pa labi pazīstamo taciņu. Šeit uz šīs šaurās patumšās smilšu strēles mani sāka ķert panika. Es pieliku soli.
Drīz es izdzirdēju straumes čaloņu un iereibušu vīru kliedzienus.. un kkaut ko vēl.. tādu kā stenēšanu.. Mana sirds apstājās, kad atpazinu brāļa zemo tembru. Mana galva kļuva skaidra kā stikliņš. Sāku skriet, nokritu, piecēlos un skrēju tālāk.. Šķita, ka celis asiņo, bet nebija laika paskaīties lejup. Es izskrēju krastā. Trīs vīri stāvēja ar mugurām pret mani un smējās, bet bišku patālāk viens ļoti iedzēris bifelis atspārdīja [literāri] mana brāļa kaulaino ķermeni. Aivis bija viss sarāvies un asiņoja. Viņš kliedza aiz sāpēm, izskatījās, ka viņam ir salaustas pāris ribas, seja asiņu un laustā deguna dēļ bija neatpazīstama, bet es zināju, ka tas ir viņš. Es pazinu viņu jau 37 gadus.. Manān acīm priekšā uzgūlās sarkana migla, es nedomājot metos virsū milzīgajam pāridarītājam. Viņa sitieni bija trāpīgāki par manējiem [es biju atmetis sportam ar roku vēl studenta gados, tāpēc nebiju īpaši izveicīgs]. Es sajutu, kā mans žoklis izkustas no ierastās vietas. Viens no 'skatītājiem' saprata, ka arī man ir lemts zaidēt šo kauju. Viņš mēģināja iejaukties un pārējie viņam pievienojās. Milzonis vēl reizes četras iespārdīja Aivim vēderā un pa seju, aizgriezās un nozuda krūmos. Es aizrāpoju līdz brālim. Viņš vēl elpoja, bet nereaģēja uz maniem jautājumiem. Es saņēmos piecēlos un izsaucu ātros, pats es neņēmos viņu kustināt, tāpēc man bija jātiek līdz savai mašīnai vismaz, lai rādītu dakteriem ceļu.. man bija bail atstāt Aivi, bet es izdomāju, ka tas būs viņa paša labā. [vsp šaubos, ka biju spējīgs jelko tonakt izdomāt. Mana sirds dauzījās tik ļoti, ka nedzirdēju pusi no sevis teiktā].

* * *



Aivis nomira vakar no rīta. Divas dienas viņš pavadīja komā. Es tiku vaļā ar salauztu roku un izsistu žokli.
Es īsti nezinu, kā dēļ Aivis vsp iesaistījās tanī kautiņā. No tā, ko es sapratu iz tās 2 minūšu garās telefona sarunas, var izsecināt, ka Milzonis esot Aivja kaimiņš, kurš dzērumā esot izteicis savas greizsirdības aizdomas, jo, redz, viņa sieva esot pārāk labi par Aivi izteikusies. Muļķīgi.. Sanāk, ka mans bračka mira tādēļ, ka pāris reizes aizveda jauno dāmu līdz darbam un atpakaļ [viņu darbavietas šķīra nū.. kvartāli trīs.. protams, viņi runājās, protams, viņi sadraudzējās..] Nepamatoti.. muļķīgi.. stulbi..
Aivim ir līgava. Viņi ļoti mīl viens otru, bet viņa tagad ir darba darīšanās Lietuvā.
Es viņai šodien zvanīju..
Briesmīgi..

* * *



PĀRMĒRĪGA ALKOHOLA LIETOŠANA KAITĒ JŪSU VESELĪBAI!

/rakstīts uz katras alkohola reklāmas/

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the quote unquote things [Jun. 2nd, 2009|09:34 pm]
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[Current Mood |a bookworm]
[Current Music |cure - in between days]

quote number one:
[about a suicide]
'And why is it the biggest sin of all? All your life you're told that you'll be going to this marvelous place when you pass on. And the one thing you can do to get you there a bit quicker is something that stops you getting there at all.'

* she definitely has a point there. it's somehow unfair. there's that movie 'what dreams may come'. probably - it's a sign for me to see it at last.

quote number two:
[about preparation for a suicide]
'I'd finished Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates, which is a totally awesome novel. I was actually going to jump with a copy - not only because it would have been kinda cool, and would've added a little mystique to my death, but because it might have been a good way of getting more people to read it.'

* he has no point at all, but he's funny still. I like him.

quote number three:
[about living]
'Oscar Wilde once said that one's real life is often the life one does not lead. Well, fucking right on, Oscar.'

* I thought of being all tragic today. I just can't do that. I'm not a drama person. although I would like to be one. probably, I would like otherwise if I was one..

quote number four:
[about a choice whether to commit a suicide]
'Some dead people, people who were too sensitive to live: Sylvia Plath, Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Jackson Pollock, Primo Levi, Kurt Cobain, of course. Some alive people: George W. Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Osama Bin Laden. Put a cross next to the people you might want to have a drink with, and then see whether they're on the dead side or the alive side. And, yeah, you could point out that I have stacked the deck, that there are a couple of people missing from my 'alive' list who might fuck up my argument, a few poets and musicians and so on. And you could also point out that Stalin and Hitler weren't so great, and they are lo longer with us.'

* well, if everybody would think that way the population of the planet would be reasonable.

quote number five:
[about the difference of dying and wanting to die]
'I didn't feel like a dying man; I felt like a man who every now and again wanted to die, and there's a difference. A man who wants to die feels angry and full of life and desperate and bored and exhausted, all the same time; he wants to fight everyone, and he wants to curl up in a ball and hide in a cupboard somewhere. He wants to say sorry to everyone, and he wants everyone to know just how badly they've all let him down. I can't believe that dying people feel that way, unless dying is worse than I thought. (And why shouldn't it be? every other fucking thing is worse than I thought, so why should be dying be any different?)'

* he's still funny, but he has a grip on describing his feelings very precise. I've felt that way last time I felt suicidal.

quote number six:
[about the reason of being able to kill ants]
'It's the distance that does it, of course. [...] they are just tiny dots, and you can no longer see them, literally or metaphorically. You can't make out their faces, can you, when they're just tiny dots, so you don't need to worry about whether they're happy or sad. It's why we can kill ants'

* that's why we can kill the mosquitoes and moths too..

quote number last:
[just for fun]
- He was dressed modern. He looked like he could have been in a band or something.
- A band? Which band?
- I don't know. Radiohead or someone like that.
- Why Radiohead?
(I said Radiohead because they don't look like anything much. They're just blokes, aren't they?)
- I don't know. Or Blur. Or.. Who's that guy? In that film? He's not the one who's not married to Jennifer Lopez, he's the other one, and they won an oscar, because he was good at maths even though he was only a cleaner.. The blond one. Matt.
- The angel looked like Matt Damon?
- Yeah, I suppose. A bit.

/Nick Hornby "A Long Way Down"/



plus some quotes from some other books:
[just thought-provoking]
'I care the most, because if I can do it... If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe.'

'I don't think he ever planned to outlive you by long.'

'Well, I wasn't going to live without you. But I wasn't sure how to do it… I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi… You don't irritate them. Not unless you want to die.'

/Stephenie Meyer "Twilight" and "New Moon"/



'I care for nothing in comparisons with papa. And I’ll never — never — oh, never I have my senses, do an act or say a word to vex him. I love him better than myself, Ellen; and I know it by this — I pray every night that I live after him; because I would rather be miserable than that he should be: that proves I love him better than myself.'

'If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.'

'I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!'

/Emily Bronte "Wuthering Heights"/



* well.. I never thought that my death would make someone grieve a lot. but now I start to think about it.. and I think I'm inclined to suffer and endure instead of making my friends and loved ones miserable..
Though I would like to die middle-aged..
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sirreālais satiek hiperreālo [May. 26th, 2009|12:34 am]
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[Current Mood |funny]
[Current Music |claude debussy - etudes pour piano - 5]

- hey, sof, just listen to this:

* bet ja nu mēs vienkārši esam miruši?
- nevajag celt paniku. miroņi nesēž čatā.
* tas vēl ir jāpierāda..


- huh? what was THAT about?
- just a book i'm reading.
- c'mon! what a bizarre books are you picking! wasn't it enough to read that 'story of a crazy mind reader with and all the stories he'd read and all the thoughts he made of them'?
- neah, that was spectacular, but not enough! i thought you liked it, though..
- i did, but i'm kinda worried about YOUR brain.
- oh. i see. well don't worry. i just thought as far as it goes i could have some more fun.
- well. be careful then, i guess. don't pull it too far!
- sure, sure. i know, my life is just so much fun, that it will be the death of me.
- pšš. you know i hate you talking such nonsense.
- nonsense?!
- what else?
- just look and think clearly: everyone dies because of their lives..
- huh?
- don't you see.. we die, because we've lived. if we haven't lived though..
- what?
- .. we wouldn't have to die. only alive person can die. or maybe we live [you know, really live] because we die.
- i've lost you here.
- oh, stop it! we live as fully as we can, because we know we gonna die some day. we understand life is temporary.. so we take risks..
- oh, don't get all fuzzy about this life vs death crap again..
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un minhauzens ar' [May. 20th, 2009|11:21 pm]
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[Current Mood |sad, of course]
[Current Music |rob pattinson - never think]

[mani vīrieši nemirst. viņi vnk pārstāj eksistēt.]

bet tu mani riktīgi piemānīji! es zināju, ka tev ir vēzis, bet tu turējies pārāk labi un moži. pārāk dzīvespriecīgi. pārāk smaidīgi..
es teju vai dusmīga..
bet man prieks, ka baudīji katru mirkli, bija tā vērts..
paldies tev..

un vēl...

man tevis pietrūks.. ļoti..
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es māku skaitīt līdz 5 [May. 1st, 2009|11:42 pm]
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[Current Mood |nakts + aukstums + apslimšana]
[Current Music |eddie vedder - society]

viens
- cukura ēšana ar karoti parasti liecina par lielāku depresiju nekā cukura pievienošana tējai.
- kā man negaršo tēja ar cukuru!! fui! bet tā afigiķeļno labi padara aklu [drīzāk jau kurlu] uz savu prāta puskliedzošajām runām..

divi
- ja tā sāk domāt, šķiet, ka tiešām viss iet uz NĒ!!
- zināju, ka domāšanas sākšana pie laba gala nenoved..

trīs
- besī ārā tas, kā cilvēki visā pasaulē ienīst viens otru par to, kas noticis pagātnē. un lai aizbēgtu no šitādām muļķībām, nepietiks ar aizbraukšanu uz citu valsti. labāk uzreiz pārcelties uz citu planētu. [man pat bija ZĪME!! šodien par šito svarīgo lēmumu]. bet tad es izdomaju, ka citā planētā viņiem tur noteikti ir kkādas savas vēsturiskās razborkas, par kurām man vsp nebūs ne jausmas. tāpēc vienīgais risinājums būtu nomirt.
- hā, es to sen zināju!!!

četri
- ir lietas, kuras ir visa kā vērtas.
- piemēram, draugu dāvātās emocijas..

pieci
- pirmo reizi sapnī bija atsauce uz kādu iepriekš jau redzētu sapni, kā uz reāli notikušu atgadījumu.
- varbūt tiešām katru nakti mazajā nāvē nonāku mazajā aizkapa dzīvē, kur viss ir pa īstam. turklāt, vnk kkas notiek pirmo reizi..

when you think more then you want,
your thoughts begin to bleed

/Jerry Hannan/

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