May 5th, 2016
|11:00 pm - Nightmares and Ghosts|
I am a horror story, I am dead girl walking. I am proof nightmares can come to life easier than whatever you wish for. And I am scared to the very depth of my exposed bones that it may be too late to redeem myself and reverse all that I've done. Not sure it's possible to convey this feeling of uncertainty over whether or not you will live through another day and the clear realisation you've done all this to yourself - no excuses, nobody else to blame. No delusions about even the closest of friends sticking around for the bitter end, because that's the only thing anyone can see when they look at you.
How did I get here? I honestly don't know. I never thought I would be one of them, because it's so illogical, irrational and so otherworldly and alien to think anyone could just go and starve themselves to death. But it happens, and it happens often. This time, it happened to me - still struggling to comprehend this is really for real. Understanding how and why is not a priority at this point, but definitely one of those things on the list. Stay tuned for more self-loathing and other little bits of horrible fun.
Unfortunately this is going to be yet another one of those anorexia blogs (and in many parts, too!). While tedious and perhaps even boring for most, it may be therapeutic for me in dealing with the overarching terror; and, who knows, maybe some of this can be useful in keeping someone else away from the monsters (hence the 'public').
August 16th, 2014
|11:19 pm - NPC|
I burn bright and fast, way too fast. I need to have it all and have it now. And after...all that is left is nothing. Sparks of life here and there like resuscitation keep the flame going, but there will be no fire. Inbetween is where it's at. Maybe that is all I am meant to have, maybe that is the purpose. Interfere, sway, influence, but never really have a plotline.
Not to rush ahead of things, not to look into the future (because, really, I don't want to know before I find out), beautiful city nights are a consolation. The lights whisper to me the secrets of all lost souls and assure me there is a future to look into, while I race past tall glass citadels, which I have seen in my dreams - they are a part of me now.
As the wind carries my thoughts, someone somewhere will tell that story of a wanderer, who can't find a place on Earth, whom life keeps throwing around, restless and absent.
June 9th, 2014
|12:01 am - Prayer into nothingness|
I want to dance again, this time with more fire. I want to write terrible stories, this time with more depth. I want to sing in a church again, with true faith, this time. I will walk the nightime city again, but now content with myself, with more appreciation for every fading light.
There is so much of my life, that I did not even know I had, that I want to reclaim, because now I know better. Emotions, self-discarding wickedness, impulsive actions and thoughtless behaviour have robbed me of so much more that I could have had. There is a universe of experiences, an infinity of knowledge, all mine, to walk towards on my own.
When you're an addict of some sort, they tell you that you are the best you that you can be, when you're sobre. I, too, need to become the best me I can be.
Current Music: Anathema
May 16th, 2013
|10:12 pm - Creativity Block|
They are trying to numb us down and form us into what they want. By offering the easy way out, by offering stable well-paid jobs right at the exit of our universities. They know our mind hasn't settled. Nor do we know what we want yet. But we will never figure it out, because we will be guided through life by attractive easy choices. They might not be easy in the standard sense. You have to work hard to achieve goals you never set for yourself. However, they are convenient goals that distract you from figuring out your life.
Don't give up, don't take the easy way out. Fight for the freedom of your mind, for making your own choices and bearing the responsibility. That is the only way you will ever learn to live with yourself - in knowing what you really want. Once you do, there is no one to stop you. Do not let the numerous corporations, organisations, institutions and other industrial giants to take away the dreams you don't yet know you have, don't let them own your life and make you into what they need you to be. Don't let them kill your creative mind.
March 16th, 2013
So I haven't spoken to anyone the whole day. Not a word. Not even online.
I fear I'll forget how to speak. While that might not be the worst thing ever, it would be terrible to lose the ability to express thoughts in a human-readable format.
I think I really need to get out of this state of complete social degradation. But I don't remember how.
September 2nd, 2012
Night, forever night.
Gentle humming of the server room puts me to sleep and I see code. The source code of the Universe, no less. All the lines have been locked, yet they are all different every time I see them. Dynamic, ever changing. You can't help but wonder, how this change occurs.
One would attempt to study the objects, values and functions, but they are never the same and they never have a clear meaning. I have spoken to others who have seen this; it's been agreed that this is not good code. But then, this is not a very great Universe. It is beautiful though, and it works most of the time.
I don't even know if I enjoy this monochrome wonder. It's like being in low-level space. And then there's that inability to change anything. Even if I knew what any of this does, what it influences, there is nothing any of us could do about it. We can't find the cancer method and remove all calls to it. If we could, would we really know what else gets obliterated, what objects and variables would suffer? Surely, something would be set to null. Maybe the whole thing would break. Best case scenario - we'd get a compile-time error. The Universe can handle compile-time errors. Can we? Fear is the mind-killer. But you need a certain amount of it. Most of us just don't have enough fear to be given enough power.
People started seeing the naked Universe quite a while ago. It went on for a while before everyone noticed the similarity of our dreams, before it started replacing the dreams of people completely; and then everyone began talking about it. There was a theory it's a virus that affects out brain in mysterious ways. There is still a theory that the end is near, so we are being let into the greatest secrets of creation that none of us could possibly ever comprehend. None of this makes sense. To me it is the Universe. To others it's just a digital representation of the dreams they would normally be having as images. The virus supposedly destroys the images, reduces them to code. But they don't know any better.
This is our world in all its beauty. While stripped of the obvious beauty, it is stunning as ever, full of wonder, never ceasing to amaze. As you would imagine, not everyone can handle this purity in the logic breakdown of our world. Many have gone crazy, but then they would have anyway, just give them an excuse. Some formed religious cults; which not much difference from the insane lot. I belong the the groups of people attempting to study this phenomenon, with not much success thus far. In all honesty, I believe we are not meant to understand.
I wake up and it feels like breaking out of a spell that puts a strain on all your movements. The blinking lights of numerous server racks are soothing. Like a prof of life, they are a sign that everything is as it should be. As go about tending to my precious machines, I can't stop attempting to imagine what would their source code look like...
April 13th, 2012
Pain is a sign of weakness.
And when it hurts no more, only then I will be strong.
I'm probably already a fine improvement on my past self.
P.s. Fuck you, ubuntu server, fuck you and your incompatibilities.
March 24th, 2012
High heels - so damn worth the pain.
March 9th, 2012
|09:38 pm - Claire|
I know there's no time to give up. No time to live or tell a story. There's just and endless forever. Not the kind of immortality I seek.
There will be a moment to wake up. I live for that moment. Hoping for it to last an eternity and knowing that it won't.
But what if I die before I wake?
January 22nd, 2012
Intergalactic porn actually seems such a great idea.
Imagine not even realising that what you're seeing is dirty and highly inappropriate.
Well, you'd probably suspect something, since it's called porn. But still.