Mental Asphyxia - Post a comment

May 6th, 2016

09:37 pm - Nightmares and Ghosts P2
Yes, I know what you think when you see me. I've always loved how honest people are here. Londoners would have pretended they didn't see anything. Maybe they wouldn't actually see anything, I would just be one of those cloth-hangers shifting through the city, swaying in the wind, wishing it wasn't oh so cold; always, all the time. Catwalks are where they fit and shine for a while almost like real people, and then fade into the shadows.

Not here in Riga. We are more honest with others, maybe some of us with ourselves. We don't hide our stares, be it wonder, confusion or sheer terror. Sometimes disgust, very often pity. Yes, I feel all that, I hear you. And no, this isn't about "screw what everyone thinks about you, walk through it proudly with your head raised high..." and so on and so forth. I do hang my head in shame, because it 'is' shameful to be this way, to have done such a shameful thing to your body and your mind. You take it in, you let it wash over you, you walk the gauntlet and you feel shame. That's the only way I will learn, and the only way I will improve. If I survive and if I get better, all of which are big IFs with humongous question marks, then I will be able to develop this sense of "screw what others think of me", but only because it won't be worse and more deserved than some of the things rushing through the surface of their thoughts now. It's that involuntary instant response, almost a reflex, rather than their conscious thought, but that is what makes it all the more true. And honest. Not a personal opinion - just something that 'is'; and therefore something that is as close as it gets to objective reality.

So much for seeing yourself in the ever so harsh mirror of 'those around you'. Despite barely being there, I also hear what you actually say. Somehow people tend to discuss diets and fitness a lot lately. I don't remember it ever being as much of a fad here as it always was in London - another one of those cities that never sleeps, eats, reads a book or does any other of those humanly things - but it seems to be transferring. Even words like 'crossfit' and 'keto' tend to get thrown around on a daily basis in public transport, eateries and hallways. On one hand, it amuses me to no end. The fact that I hear these things almost selectively, or the potential that people subconsciously tend to address diet&fitness topics around me (perhaps someone wants to do an academic study on this; something tells me it would be another fun read?). Tell me more about how your friend lost 8 kilos in a month of hardcore dieting. Perhaps tune in later when she's lost all of her kilos with none left to lose. I have lots of useful tips, too.
On the other hand, it is sad. It's one of those western culture/lifestyle fads that is set out to "hold us down, man" and "destroy our youth and with it, our bright communist future". It may be one of those feelings slightly on the tinfoil side, but I do think the pressure for "healthy lifestyle" is maybe a bit twisted and maybe a bit unhealthy. I am in no position to give advice or pass judgement on health though, so feel free to walk along. Do not hesitate to contact me, however, if you want some advice on weightloss - I'm a pro.

And to conclude, if you ever thought that maybe recovering from anorexia is more like a trip down the road of bodily pleasures, because you get to eat anything you want...well, I can't speak for everyone, but (1) you really stop wanting things; or feeling hungry at all and (2) you hurt your body so much it takes its own back by hurting you in return - having eaten is mostly just physically painful and unpleasant and causes all kinds of chemical and biological reactions and processes that leave you unsure of whether you're dying right now or perhaps a bit later; (3) that is with all the mental hurts, pains and struggles aside, because I'm waaay too tired to expand on those at the moment, and this post is way past the "tl;dr" golden standards.

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