Mental Asphyxia - Post a comment

June 11th, 2016

10:04 pm - Nightmares and Ghosts P6
Perhaps maybe I should have died when the opportunity was so close. Now I'd have to do a hell lot of starving to get there and some more to finish it off.

No matter how hard I try, I still have 'some' weird quirks with food that are not so easy to get over. Despite how much I'm trying and succeeding, those little failures are the things easiest to spot. Like when I'm still suspicious of any food I didn't prepare myself. Most of the time I manage, but sometimes I will eat it in ways which in my head make me feel like I can avoid ingesting any more oil than is absolutely unavoidable. And yeah, it's weird, it makes me feel weird and wrong and apologetic. But public consumption of uncontrolled meals is a very rare occasion, so I haven't had a chance to adapt properly. But I don't get credit for that, and perhaps shouldn't.

What hurts most is that it annoys/hurts/embarrasses other people who are with me at the time who I also care about, in addition to being already embarrassing and uncomfortable for me. I can deal with the 'me' part, but I sometimes don't consider the others as much as I should, as it's all very resource-intensive, exhausting and overwhelming (and anxiety-inducing), so there's little resource left to also be perceptive. I do sincerely apologise to anyone who has had to suffer when out on meals with the skeleton that treats her food weirdly or takes forever to decide what to order or asks stupid questions or has a panic attack during said process.

Basically, even my own mother can't stand me for that one day we get to spend together in ages. This is incredibly sad, because no one else would even try anywhere near that hard. And this is why today I kind of regret not having died a month ago. And this is why today the whole fighting thing feels worthless and an exercise in futility. What's the point, if I will just have pushed away everyone I care about and who used to care about me.

Yeah, those days happen. No one can teach you what to do with them. No one can teach you how to be happy. And if you "just can't", then, well, sucks to be you. Also you will probably end up dead anyway. So try not to piss of the few people who stuck around, heck knows why. Make your life worth saving.

Reply