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June 11th, 2016
10:04 pm - Nightmares and Ghosts P6
Perhaps maybe I should have died when the opportunity was so close. Now I'd have to do a hell lot of starving to get there and some more to finish it off.
No matter how hard I try, I still have 'some' weird quirks with food that are not so easy to get over. Despite how much I'm trying and succeeding, those little failures are the things easiest to spot. Like when I'm still suspicious of any food I didn't prepare myself. Most of the time I manage, but sometimes I will eat it in ways which in my head make me feel like I can avoid ingesting any more oil than is absolutely unavoidable. And yeah, it's weird, it makes me feel weird and wrong and apologetic. But public consumption of uncontrolled meals is a very rare occasion, so I haven't had a chance to adapt properly. But I don't get credit for that, and perhaps shouldn't.
What hurts most is that it annoys/hurts/embarrasses other people who are with me at the time who I also care about, in addition to being already embarrassing and uncomfortable for me. I can deal with the 'me' part, but I sometimes don't consider the others as much as I should, as it's all very resource-intensive, exhausting and overwhelming (and anxiety-inducing), so there's little resource left to also be perceptive. I do sincerely apologise to anyone who has had to suffer when out on meals with the skeleton that treats her food weirdly or takes forever to decide what to order or asks stupid questions or has a panic attack during said process.
Basically, even my own mother can't stand me for that one day we get to spend together in ages. This is incredibly sad, because no one else would even try anywhere near that hard. And this is why today I kind of regret not having died a month ago. And this is why today the whole fighting thing feels worthless and an exercise in futility. What's the point, if I will just have pushed away everyone I care about and who used to care about me.
Yeah, those days happen. No one can teach you what to do with them. No one can teach you how to be happy. And if you "just can't", then, well, sucks to be you. Also you will probably end up dead anyway. So try not to piss of the few people who stuck around, heck knows why. Make your life worth saving.
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May 29th, 2016
05:39 pm - Nightmares and Ghosts P5
It feels amazing to do social things again. Not fully back in life, as I'm on a temporary weight plateau where I need to be careful not to accidentally relapse, but I allowed myself a bit of socialness yesterday. I can't describe just how much I missed my drunk acquaintances and being able to have the kind of deep metaphysical conversation you can only have with a drunk person at a party that's getting early. Warm summer nights definitely contribute to the feeling of aliveness. Smoking on the balcony, watching the sleepy neighbourhood - you know what I'm talking about. But most of all it's that feeling of being a part of something, of a wider community. Please don't make me leave again.
Meanwhile having bought all the nutrition boosters in town doesn't help deal with the slightly worrisome weight situation.
Also a friend's post on facebook reminded me of how some of the things I experience (or don't experience) are actually pretty weird, when you really think about it (the joke is that everything is pretty weird, when you think about it long enough). Like the inability to distinguish between the body's 'need' and 'lack' type of sensations, like hunger, thirst, tiredness, sleepiness, various types of pain and such. Just imagine not being sure, if your feet feeling numb means you're sleepy. Or not quite being able to put your finger on whether you're too hot or cold. Hunger and thirst are the most difficult ones. Sometimes I just get really irritable or emotional without any physical markers I could use to tell it's actually just my body asking for food. All these ways in which the human brain just malfunctions in processing complex data from its physical sensors. An advanced biological machine, so much praised, just derping out completely.
Oh well, there's worse things that can happen.
This post was basically just to avoid pestering my friends with more of my obsessing-over-myself nonsense. I will now go and write down three things that make me feel good, yes.
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May 20th, 2016
10:28 pm - Nightmares and Ghosts P4
To think of it, I have the unique opportunity to rebuild my body, while I am also rebuilding my life. Second chance, a pure new start. Maybe ultimately I will be able to rebuild or at least recover my soul.
Healing and restoring so much at once is tough, it's confusing and painful. There's ups and downs, way more than expected or accounted for. To use the overused phoenix analogy, to rise from the ashes, you have to burn to ashes first; but the rising itself isn't a momentary process either - more like the initial pyre in reverse. A deeply spiritual experience at times. But in all this struggling, how does one become a better person, a better self? Where does one find the right templates that perhaps never even existed?
On a side note - I've always thought in terms of "Fear is the mind-killer". Only in my recent experience have I realised that fear can also be what it was always meant to be, fear can be a life-saver. That is the real core nature of basic fear; fear for life turns on the instinctive response to save yourself, automatically do everything you can to survive. Only fear has the power to override the limitations you have set yourself, especially when it comes to suppressing any and all survival instincts. Fear will make you fight for life, even if it takes breaking down everything you're used to and completely step out of the world your sick brain has enclosed you in. I think that's probably one of the most spiritual 'and' earthly experiences of recent. Because the hardest part comes in when fear subsides and you have to justify survival to a mentality (your own mentality, no less) bound for self-elimination. Hard-coded values. Life-long habits.
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May 13th, 2016
10:06 pm - Nightmares and Ghosts P3
First week as a recovering anoretic - so much over-achievement. Turns out you don't have to eat a billion thousand calories to make up for the deficit. As soon as you add anything over your base metabolic rate, the body goes into survival mode, and 'ohmygod all the kilograms'. Well, I'm definitely not dying anytime soon, so screw you, mental disorders. With great kilograms, comes great energy and other kinds of feeling like a human again. Elephant feet though, ick.
Otherwise - work is still a mess, report writing is still a massive challenge for the 'technically inclined', and I finally got some of that dreaded mainframe code to review. At least there's plenty of room for improvement, right?
I think I lost the knack for mental exploration of eating disorder issues. Or maybe I've just finally had enough. Don't know which is which, but there's more important things to keep busy with. The sunshine is out, everything is suddenly green, I'm no longer freezing to death, so there's plenty of excuses to just enjoy the moment. Aside from recent near-death experiences.
To conclude, I still find medical specialists somewhat redundant. I'm sure they might have their uses and applications, but oh dear are they not used to working with anoretics (for people who say they specialise in eating disorders, they sure seem to specialise in the over-eating type). Psychotherapists are a whole separate story altogether. As the Internet has said so many times "nothing shuts you up like asking you to -tell me a bit about yourself-". I think I could do without the extra frustration and annoyance, but then again, I also don't trust my sneaky clever self-destructive brain enough just yet.
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May 6th, 2016
09:37 pm - Nightmares and Ghosts P2
Yes, I know what you think when you see me. I've always loved how honest people are here. Londoners would have pretended they didn't see anything. Maybe they wouldn't actually see anything, I would just be one of those cloth-hangers shifting through the city, swaying in the wind, wishing it wasn't oh so cold; always, all the time. Catwalks are where they fit and shine for a while almost like real people, and then fade into the shadows.
Not here in Riga. We are more honest with others, maybe some of us with ourselves. We don't hide our stares, be it wonder, confusion or sheer terror. Sometimes disgust, very often pity. Yes, I feel all that, I hear you. And no, this isn't about "screw what everyone thinks about you, walk through it proudly with your head raised high..." and so on and so forth. I do hang my head in shame, because it 'is' shameful to be this way, to have done such a shameful thing to your body and your mind. You take it in, you let it wash over you, you walk the gauntlet and you feel shame. That's the only way I will learn, and the only way I will improve. If I survive and if I get better, all of which are big IFs with humongous question marks, then I will be able to develop this sense of "screw what others think of me", but only because it won't be worse and more deserved than some of the things rushing through the surface of their thoughts now. It's that involuntary instant response, almost a reflex, rather than their conscious thought, but that is what makes it all the more true. And honest. Not a personal opinion - just something that 'is'; and therefore something that is as close as it gets to objective reality.
So much for seeing yourself in the ever so harsh mirror of 'those around you'. Despite barely being there, I also hear what you actually say. Somehow people tend to discuss diets and fitness a lot lately. I don't remember it ever being as much of a fad here as it always was in London - another one of those cities that never sleeps, eats, reads a book or does any other of those humanly things - but it seems to be transferring. Even words like 'crossfit' and 'keto' tend to get thrown around on a daily basis in public transport, eateries and hallways. On one hand, it amuses me to no end. The fact that I hear these things almost selectively, or the potential that people subconsciously tend to address diet&fitness topics around me (perhaps someone wants to do an academic study on this; something tells me it would be another fun read?). Tell me more about how your friend lost 8 kilos in a month of hardcore dieting. Perhaps tune in later when she's lost all of her kilos with none left to lose. I have lots of useful tips, too.
On the other hand, it is sad. It's one of those western culture/lifestyle fads that is set out to "hold us down, man" and "destroy our youth and with it, our bright communist future". It may be one of those feelings slightly on the tinfoil side, but I do think the pressure for "healthy lifestyle" is maybe a bit twisted and maybe a bit unhealthy. I am in no position to give advice or pass judgement on health though, so feel free to walk along. Do not hesitate to contact me, however, if you want some advice on weightloss - I'm a pro.
And to conclude, if you ever thought that maybe recovering from anorexia is more like a trip down the road of bodily pleasures, because you get to eat anything you want...well, I can't speak for everyone, but (1) you really stop wanting things; or feeling hungry at all and (2) you hurt your body so much it takes its own back by hurting you in return - having eaten is mostly just physically painful and unpleasant and causes all kinds of chemical and biological reactions and processes that leave you unsure of whether you're dying right now or perhaps a bit later; (3) that is with all the mental hurts, pains and struggles aside, because I'm waaay too tired to expand on those at the moment, and this post is way past the "tl;dr" golden standards.
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May 5th, 2016
11:00 pm - Nightmares and Ghosts
I am a horror story, I am dead girl walking. I am proof nightmares can come to life easier than whatever you wish for. And I am scared to the very depth of my exposed bones that it may be too late to redeem myself and reverse all that I've done. Not sure it's possible to convey this feeling of uncertainty over whether or not you will live through another day and the clear realisation you've done all this to yourself - no excuses, nobody else to blame. No delusions about even the closest of friends sticking around for the bitter end, because that's the only thing anyone can see when they look at you.
How did I get here? I honestly don't know. I never thought I would be one of them, because it's so illogical, irrational and so otherworldly and alien to think anyone could just go and starve themselves to death. But it happens, and it happens often. This time, it happened to me - still struggling to comprehend this is really for real. Understanding how and why is not a priority at this point, but definitely one of those things on the list. Stay tuned for more self-loathing and other little bits of horrible fun.
Unfortunately this is going to be yet another one of those anorexia blogs (and in many parts, too!). While tedious and perhaps even boring for most, it may be therapeutic for me in dealing with the overarching terror; and, who knows, maybe some of this can be useful in keeping someone else away from the monsters (hence the 'public').
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August 16th, 2014
11:19 pm - NPC
I burn bright and fast, way too fast. I need to have it all and have it now. And after...all that is left is nothing. Sparks of life here and there like resuscitation keep the flame going, but there will be no fire. Inbetween is where it's at. Maybe that is all I am meant to have, maybe that is the purpose. Interfere, sway, influence, but never really have a plotline.
Not to rush ahead of things, not to look into the future (because, really, I don't want to know before I find out), beautiful city nights are a consolation. The lights whisper to me the secrets of all lost souls and assure me there is a future to look into, while I race past tall glass citadels, which I have seen in my dreams - they are a part of me now.
As the wind carries my thoughts, someone somewhere will tell that story of a wanderer, who can't find a place on Earth, whom life keeps throwing around, restless and absent.
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June 9th, 2014
12:01 am - Prayer into nothingness
I want to dance again, this time with more fire. I want to write terrible stories, this time with more depth. I want to sing in a church again, with true faith, this time. I will walk the nightime city again, but now content with myself, with more appreciation for every fading light.
There is so much of my life, that I did not even know I had, that I want to reclaim, because now I know better. Emotions, self-discarding wickedness, impulsive actions and thoughtless behaviour have robbed me of so much more that I could have had. There is a universe of experiences, an infinity of knowledge, all mine, to walk towards on my own.
When you're an addict of some sort, they tell you that you are the best you that you can be, when you're sobre. I, too, need to become the best me I can be.
Current Music: Anathema
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May 16th, 2013
10:12 pm - Creativity Block
They are trying to numb us down and form us into what they want. By offering the easy way out, by offering stable well-paid jobs right at the exit of our universities. They know our mind hasn't settled. Nor do we know what we want yet. But we will never figure it out, because we will be guided through life by attractive easy choices. They might not be easy in the standard sense. You have to work hard to achieve goals you never set for yourself. However, they are convenient goals that distract you from figuring out your life.
Don't give up, don't take the easy way out. Fight for the freedom of your mind, for making your own choices and bearing the responsibility. That is the only way you will ever learn to live with yourself - in knowing what you really want. Once you do, there is no one to stop you. Do not let the numerous corporations, organisations, institutions and other industrial giants to take away the dreams you don't yet know you have, don't let them own your life and make you into what they need you to be. Don't let them kill your creative mind.
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March 16th, 2013
07:25 pm
So I haven't spoken to anyone the whole day. Not a word. Not even online.
I fear I'll forget how to speak. While that might not be the worst thing ever, it would be terrible to lose the ability to express thoughts in a human-readable format.
I think I really need to get out of this state of complete social degradation. But I don't remember how.
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