Quote me if I'm wrong...
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. /Bill Watterson

Who's Bob?
What to reply to a person who says, "I'm so confused, Bob." /John Grimes

Wise men talk because they have something to say;
fools talk because they have to say something. /Plato

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? /Steven Wright

I really didn't say anything i said. /Yogi Berra

Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway.

Death sneaks up on you like a windshield sneaks upon a bug.

I never had a sense of humor. What started me in theatrical direction was finding at a very early age that i had a talent.
I could impersonate chickens. Buk buk buk bacagh. /Jonathan Miller

SONG TITLES:
"If I Had To Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You." /Abe Burrows
"I Gave Her The Ring and She Gave Me The Finger." /unknown
"I Can't Fall Asleep Since You Sat On My Pillow Last Night." /David E. Ortman

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. /Steven Wright

Nominations in MOST BORING HEADLINE contest 1986:
"University of Rochester Decides to Keep Name" (New York Times)
"Economist Dies" (Wisconsin State Journal)

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Consequences, shmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. / Daffy Duck

I wish Karl would accumulate some capital instead of just writing about it. /Karl Marx's mother, allegedly

Success is women you don't even know walking around your house.

Christmas is Christ's revenge for crucifixion.

Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. /Germaine Greer

This gum tastes funny. /Sign on condom machine

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. /Bob Rubin

I enjoy dating married men because they don't want anything kinky, like breakfast. /Joni Rodgers

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. /Will Rogers

Physics lesson: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings. /Martin Friedman

Truth is the safest lie.

I always wanted to be somebody, but i should have been more specific. /Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. /Kathleen Norris

There is no cure for birth or death except to try to enjoy the interval. /George Santayana