Woody Allen movies
"I though of that old joke. This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs."
Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. They're totally irrational and crazy and absurd..., but I guess we keep going through it because... most of us need the eggs."

"You use sex to express every emotion except love."

"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."

"- You think you're God or what?
- Well, I gotta model myself after someone."

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the statue of liberty."

"A week ago I bought a rifle. If they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. The only thing that might-ve stopped me - MIGHT'VE - is that my parents would be devastated. I would have to shoot them too. And then I have an aunt and uncle... You know... It would've been a blood bath."

"I never believed in God. I didn't even as a little kid. I remember this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him."

"- What are you doing Saturday night?
- Committing suicide.
- What about Friday night?"

"- What do you believe in?
- Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime..."