Ejot ārā no slimnīcas, sāka skanēt baznīcas zvani. Man gribējās aizlūgt par tēva brāļa veselību. Sekoju skaņai.

Kad iegāju iekšā baltajās sienās pa lielu lielajām durvīm, dievkalpojums jau bija sācies. Apsēdos, iegrimu dziļi sevī un lūdzos. Tad mācītājs sāka lasīt no Bībeles un sprediķot par Jāni Kristītāju, par to, kā viņš dzīvoja tuksnesī, ēda savvaļas bišu medu un sienāžus, tērpās kamieļu ādās, un beigu beigās Jēzus teica par viņu, ka mazākais debesīs ir lielāks par viņu, kaut gan viņš ir lielākais uz Zemes. Es aizdomājos. Kas tad man vēl būtu jādara, ja Jānis kristītājs ir mazākais? Te es sajutu vēsu vēju uz sava vaiga, kaut kur atskanēja kluss durvju čīkstiens. Pacēlu galvu un paskatījos. Baznīcas tumšajā stūrī atvērās nelielas durvis, iekšā bija telpa piepildīta ar sveču gaismu. Es piecēlos no ceļiem un lēnām soļoju pretī durvīm. Sveču liesmiņas kustējās kā runādamas un vējš čukstēja ausī:
"Kas šo bērnu uzņem Manā Vārdā, tas uzņem Mani, un, kas Mani uzņem, tas uzņem To, kas Mani sūtījis; jo, kas mazākais jūsu starpā, tas ir liels."

[izdomāts]

- Ak Dievs, viņas sirds ir salauzta - jūtas tanī ir blāvas. Lūdzu, taisi viņai un dāvā jaunu sirdi.
- Tas prasīs laiku. Turklāt, uz to man tiešām būs jāpaņēm viņas sirds pie sevis debesīs un viņa zaudēs jūtas pret tevi pavisam, paliks vien dziņas un prāts.
- Tas nekas. Es pārcietīšu. Es gribu, lai viņa būtu priekpilna un laimīga. Pat ja tas nozīmē, ka šķirsimies.
- Labi, es darīšu tā. Bet nevaino mani, ja jauna sirds nespēs tevi pieņemt. Ir lietas, kas jums cilvēkos ir pēc manas līdzības, tāpēc nespēju tās ietekmēt, lai kāda būtu mana vara.

Yeah!

But what is your soul alone for me? Abandoned creature! I am already destroying all your friends and the planet along with them! I use their hands to destroy the creation of your God! Be glad! YOU will witness the moment of Satan(sanskr. "truth")!

You may have messed up my body and my life along with it, but you will never be able to get my soul!

This event will occur after all. I wasn't stuck for too long.
This prayer is being fulfilled, too.
I am glad and feel very relieved.

I'm still alone however. I wonder if something will change during these last moments here... I'm thinking of how people will react when I tell them, that I leave, oh yes, and that I return. I leave one place to return to another after all.

Oh God, the world, You created, changes - the signs of death are everywhere - floods, unsettled weather, blank taste of food and water, sicknesses, weaknesses, the spirit of war and lust... However your signs are hidden with medicine, technology and pleasures.

Please, send us a new Prophet with a new message from You, give this prophet a wisdom to explain us what wrong do we do! Tell him to compile a new Bible, so that temporarily useless scriptures would be taken out and new scriptures would be put in. Give a new prophet a power to do good deeds, so we might recognize him, and never let him do wrong, so we never doubt him.

We are too satisfied with our pathetic lives of constant pleasure chase to realize, that we have abandoned You long ago and misunderstand your ancient teachings today.

I must never tell anyone about those laws, because then people will think, that I hold on to my principles only because I've brainwashed myself with a bunch of books written by some "sect of insane wild uncivilized savages". I will never be able to prove, that I've figured it all out by myself years ago.

Anyway, it feels so different, when you find out, there were people thinking the same thing all the time and even wrote books about it.

Ak, Dievs! Aizved mani prom no šīs pilsētas! Es šeit vairs nevaru uzturēties ne mirkli! Palīdzi man saraut saites ar cilvēkiem šeit! Ak tās niecīgās saites, kas ir sapinušās savā starpā! Ar lietām esmu jau visas saiknes sarāvis, jo šeit viss ir netīrs, vecs un netīrs! Lai zeme vai jūra šeit visu aprij! Nē! Man vispār vienalga, ko Tu izdarīsi ar šo vietu! Bet lūdzu, vispirms izdari tā, lai manis šeit nebūtu!

Flesh of the Savior... What does it mean, if we need to eat it and drink his blood in order to be saved? I can surely understand, that I need to crucify my flesh, which in todays language means, I must crucify the needs of my flesh. But the flesh of the savior....

---

Why did I ever need to create a flesh for my essence? That is the question.

The answer is: because there was no other way for me to become visible to you humans, which in turn was necessary to deliver my message to you - a knowledge of life. Flesh of a savior was something like a book, only much more complicated.

If I sent you only the book, it would had never been enough. So I sent flesh, so that it could approach you humans.

What do you usually do with a book? You read it. Sometimes you burn it, if you find it unacceptable.

What do you usually do with a flesh? You eat it. How many things you can do, if you find it unacceptable...

Consume the knowledge, that was brought to you by that flesh. That knowledge is just as essential to your life, as food and drink. Every day. And look for your favorite meal.

I forget to set the alarm clock in the evening as a fall to sleep. I forget about everything then - I just want to escape this life for a while. I wake up at a random time, afterwards spending some time in bed awake, not willing to quit the world of my imagination, where my soul rests as my body rests here in reality, too. Reality. It has been affecting the world of my dreams too much lately. Just as unclear, full of riddles, unseen faces, uncertainty. I don't want to sleep. Don't want to wake up either.

---

You don't like the life, do you?

Oh how can I like it! They hate You together with the world You created! They strive to change every corner, every place on Earth, every thing! Trees to ashes, seas to deserts, water to dirt, food to poison, love to fornication, peace to war, cross to sword, life to slow gradual death...

You've got a work to do.

I have to go to work? Work... I must work with zeal. What for! In order to satisfy my sloth! I do one thing in order not to do many others. How did that happen to us! We've been trapped to slavery by our own sloth!

Now you understand, why these two words sound so much alike, don't you?

It's not my fault, not my sloth, that enslaves me! Civilization, humanity!

Really? Have you never loved civilization? These billions of lights, these trembling sounds of might of humanity, those millions of pleasures, that infinity of fancy items?

My poor little child. So lost. No way back. You've learned to be civilized and now when you've tasted a cheese in a mouse trap you try to change your mind. Remember that mouse in your house? It tore it's hand apart to get free from a mousetrap. It is free now. In the meadows. It will never return to your house. But it is not easy, it has lost it's hand after all. I must protect it on every step. And I do it. That's why you too must not be afraid.

I've already lost my sight almost entirely. You can't compare me with a mouse. Mole rat will suite me better.

How can I compare you with a mole rat? Mole rats die when they come out to light for too long.

I went to one of the hell's post office to buy a greeting card.

It is a special greeting card. Usually one has to buy greeting card to send it to somebody. Everything's different in hell. In hell one can send a greeting card for free, but a receiver must pay in order to have it. Actually such greeting card is not addressed to anybody and is not sent by anybody, since there are no personalities in hell - only desires. Usually nobody sends greeting cards in hell, that's why it is for free. Satan, as the perfect being, is the only one, who is capable to it.

Hells' greeting card is magical. You must rub it to receive a greeting. Think of something of your desire, while you rub, this will let him look into your heart and evaluate it. It should be full of flowers, that are the good deeds. If Satan likes them, he will express his gratitude and grant you his best wishes. He will take the flowers in return however. Usually they are taken by angels, put in baskets and brought to the Creator of the Universe, but there is nothing in return except for good health and lot's of children. Some people find life possible without these heavenly gifts, since there is television, alcohol, medicine and opportunities to travel far, far away.

I bought eleven greeting cards. Only one of them contained a very, very small greeting... Looks like I didn't really rub them good enough. Or is my heart empty? I don't remember angels visiting me. Well, I have always been bad at collecting flowers. Even worse at gardening.

After the speach of Satan there was only one thought on my mind: I am indeed a pathetic little monkey in a zoo, where my whole life is just a bunch of useless efforts to climb on different social trees to get some social bananas. My whole life is no different from that of an animal and if there is God, I am of no use to Him.

( Suddenly He speaks )

Through the oracle powered by the fire of Lightbringer Satan revealed to me (to everyone actually) the activities of his servants. It appeared that rocket engineers and scientists got their ideas of how to build rockets and a-bombs during rituals of serving the devil. Satan told of Bohemian Grove, where all his children are born, too. Satan told of people from the moon, that search for God through human consciousness. Servants of Satan are at cosmic war with them.

Why does he let the world know it?
The progressive one suddenly spoke:

---

I will explain you, son!

I want to make everyone think about me! I want everyone to realize, they belong to me! I want everyone to understand, that they can't live without light, that I bring to them and which serves them every minute and every second of their pathetic lives! I want them to understand, that it is already too late - the legion of Antichrists has already been formed and fulfilled all of the tasks necessary for me to rule the world and bring it to the total annihilation!!!

I also want everyone still capable on resistance to show out! The swarm of my slaves will stomp them! I need order.

You, my disobedient child, should stay silent, too... Otherwise you might loose everything, that you have! Your real estate, your time, your friends, even your relatives! No woman will ever love you... 'Cause no freaks allowed in bed!!! Umwhahahaha!!!

I don't want you to be dead. I need you, and I will need you much more in the future. So don't go against me. Do not turn against and pursue those born in the Bohemian Grove.

I was looking for an old wooden shack full of violins on the bank of the river Daugava. Instead of the shack I found a small concrete garage. Inside this garage was a church whith no crosses and icons to praise, no priests to listen, no chairs to sit back and relax. No organ, too.

There was just one violin in this shack. There was also this young man, that invited people in and made everyone dance. Later an old man came, took the violin and started to play. After hours of joy, the old man went away and I took the violin for the last song.

I played and realised, that I don't want to quit it. Fingers do their job for themselves without my command.

What and why was leading my fingers? The more I played, the stronger was that force.

I also understood, why there was only one violin in this shack. I didn't take mine with.

I have finally built my own church deep under the ground. I usually meet God there in person. He advises me in many things.

Next thing, what I see, is a girl on Šķūņu street (near the Dome square) in the Center of Riga. This is a place, where usually some musitians also play today. SHe seems to have a protest against something. To exress this protest she tries to perform a breakdance move called Babyfreeze, which is the simplest of the freezes. She does not do it right. I try to show her, how, but I feel that my legs have become so much heavier since the last time I made this move. I could barely show, how to do it.

Afterwards I decide to go and by some russian chocolate soufflé candy in the central market. In my real life I like that candy the most, but still I try to avoid buying them - sweets are sweets after all. It was already evening, on the 13.january street near the tram stop I see a group of girls in bikini dancing. I and other people come closer, girls take tops off. Seems like I know some of the girls, because then we talk while they continue to dance, and I smile and say, how attractive they look. I feel embarrassed a bit, so I go away.

I return to my underground church and see God taking off God's clothes and face, behind which he appears to be Satan with legs and horns that of a buck. He comes closer and I see two imaginary (invisible, not real) swords in his hands. I also imagine a shield and a sword in my hands, and we start to fight. I seem to be a better fighter than Devil, I cut him several times, but he has a very good indurance, so it doesn't affect him much. Anyway, I could win him with time, but something happenned and he simply started to ignore my shield, thus cutting me much and strong. I lose all my strength and fall on my knees helpless. Satan has won and was ready to finish me off. I started to weap and asked for a moment to pray God. Satan smiled. He stood over me and started to spill salt over me as if he was going to eat me.

Suddenly I hear light steps getting closer - some young woman entered my underground church. I wanted to turn around and look, but I had no force to move. I could feel, that was a special person, but I had no idea who and what exactly she was. She stopped near us and was watching. I expected her to do something to help me, but she just stood and did nothing.

I saw kindness, warmth, modesty and tenderness. Came closer and looked far into a deep blue ocean. Gentle breeze took me by my shoulders. Gentle breeze touched my ears. Waves made the boat spin. Moonlight enchanted me. There was a rain of silver and a moonlight rainbow. I suddenly felt a presense of God there, I saw two angels guarding this kindness.

I try to swim closer, but they don't let me close. They say, my destiny is not suitable yet. I am not worthy. I must pass the test. But what test? And what should I do? What should I do?? I want to be there again so much...

---

It's simple, my son. Listen! I always have an advise for you. I am not an irresponsible "Father God" that wants to see you humans "figure out stuff by yourselves". I am a helping hand. And here's my advise.
( Speach of the dark one )

Came home really late yesterday evening, no time for supper, so just a glass of pure country milk. Woke up really late this morning, so no time for breakfast. Again just a glass of milk. Then working with an empty stomach, and what do I see - some sweet jelly marmelade left in my bag. Ate it all, sugar made my blood heavy and then I hear in my imagination:
- You Don't Know What You're Looking For, do you?
- I know what I am looking for, but I am not sure, if it exists... That's why I sometimes look for something else.
- And you have no idea, what this something else is.
- That's right.
- Probably something similar to what you really whant? Because when you find something else, you don't want it.
- You know everything! Tell me where to look for!

---

( Read more... )

Every morning I wake up empty in my heart. Just as empty, as my life is - unfulfilled desire to be important had burnt down my heart long ago. I remeber a documentary about a famous war photographer - Robert Capa - he was famous, people needed him and still he needed to spend 4 hours every morning in bath to ivent his personality. I don't need a bath, I don't need 4 hours - just 40 minutes - this is how long usually I need to find an answer to a question "What for?" or "What's the point?". There is no point, I just exist, my life is dedicated to nobody. I have spent too many years by doing useless things, that brought absolutely not even a smallest change to this world. And I keep to it, and can't quit it. So I lay in my bed and suddenly hear in my imagination:

---

( Speach of the Dark one )

I was bringing Pinochio babies to the execution site from the forest by the brook, where lots of trees fell down this winter. No axe could be a help for me here, so I used a saw to cut off their limbs. Some of those Pinochios were heavy a lot - bringing me down to the ground through the layers of snow. I struggled. Then darkness came together with the stars and covered everything. I was exhausted so I stopped for a minute to have a rest, I lifted up my eyes and saw the Great Bear. I listened to the air, and heard a water flow in the brook sounding so calm.

I enjoyed everything that, and thought of how actually boring my life has become to lead me into the forest in the weekend alone.

I recalled then the first time I heard god speaking to me really loud in my dream a few years ago - I saw his angels - they spoke to me, spoke in riddles, showed me many things, things uncomprehensible. The place where I was looked so familiar - hills, meadows and forests, so latvian, but with temples everywhere, temples looking greek or roman very much, because of columns. I thought, that was heaven. Heaven, where to hide away from my boring, empty and looped everyday life. I had no objective, so I asked: where is my place? The voice of a Lord answered back then - these hills, meadows and forests is your home. I was assured! I sort of received a quest! I was also shown, what will happen, if I will not succeed - if I lose, I will become an aggressive guerilla with a junk rifle in a forest. Then I woke up.

I wanted to get back to that heaven place so much! But nope, all these years no more journeys... I remembered a recent conversation with Satan, so I thought God might have something to answer. I looked at the great bear again and asked: Forces of light or darkness, speak to me! I call for you! Silence, brook flows, wind, time passes. I am surprised - my imagination gives me nothing. Not even Satan. I started to think, that my emotions are much to flat thus making me dumb to hear spirits. Then suddenly God asked:

---

And what do you expect to hear???