5 things I don't want to know about you

http://jroller.com/page/fate?entry=5_things_i_don_t

The whole '5 things that make me look cool' thing is getting out of hand. It's insidious and evil and idiotic, all at the same time.

For one thing, who on earth would give a flying fuck about all of these irrelevant, tedious, boring, repetitive factoids? This approach works well enough as a social lubricant; it's aimless little drops of pre-cum you can jizz out during a conversation just to keep things lubed up. Online, it makes you look like a tool at best, and more likely a self-absorbed child molesting fruitcake with nothing better to do that masturbate in front of random passers by in the hope that someone will stop and gawp at your pathetic flailing.

The real genius of it though is that it allows the tawdry twats who succumb to it to happily whip out their genitalia in public, rub it against their own orifices and spooge dramatically all under the guise of 'playing along' and doing it for other people.

Almost everyone agrees that a personal blog where one randomly defecates their incoherent and tedious ramblings is a Bad Thing, and most people have learnt (usually through being mocked horribly, especially in our industry) that nobody really gives a flying fuck about how many cats you have, how good you are at fucking your significant other and producing more boring people in your mold, or how excited you find penis slapping. This new approach though enables you get rid of any possible guilt, common sense or simple social graces you have with regards to regaling the world with this tedium, since someone else asked you to do it and it's for some obnoxious and incredibly not funny 'cause'.

Of course, it works well in nerdy culture. Who could resist the chance to brag or boast about themselves? It's considered fairly rude to do so in conversation unless it's a contribution of some sort, but online, you can regale people with your exploits with nary a care in the world, and even better, 'tag' (a polite way of helicopter peeing on) other equally fuckwitted chozgobblers so that they can also participate in this sick and twisted pyramid scheme of self-gratification.

Let it end. Those of who you have already gotten your jollies off, well done. You got to spooge onto the world's face, you felt better about yourself, and took your fill of the public buttplug all in one go. Good job. The rest of you who are vaguely pondering succumbing to this evil, resist. Resist long, and resist hard. Don't become another statistic, don't for one second assume that you're special or clever or a 'someone' just because some random pillowbiter diddled your sensitive spot. You're still a nobody, and far more importantly, people still couldn't give a flying fuck about random trivia concerning your tedious, 'I'd rather have my orifices plugged with my own feces while forced into a grouphug with 3 rubyists, martin fowler's beard, and 2 thoughtwankers than be this guy' mockery of a life.

Here's hoping people spot this pathetic agonising plea for attention for what it is. It's not funny, it's not interesting, it's just sad in that way that only a mentally handicapped 56 year old woman masturbating in public can be.

Happy new year!