| Kad biji aizturējis elpu uz 3 gadiem |
[Sep. 27th, 2021|02:24 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | nightshift mood | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Infuzomāts pīkst | ] |
Kādreiz tik ļoti baidījos sevi pazaudēt, ka baidījos no visa. Īpaši no cilvēku ielaišanas savā dzīvē. Likās, ka atņems daļu manis, mainīs manu būtību, liks pielāgoties, salauzīs.
Nepadomājiet neko sliktu, es joprojām baidos no cilvēkiem.. Bet pa vidu visai savai noslēgtībai, nepamanīju, kā ļāvu - to visu izdarīt darbam. Nē, es neizdegu dzīvnieku mediķa profesijā, strādājot pa 100 stundām nedēļā un diviem darbiem. Vismaz pagaidām. Es nepaliku cietsirdīga vai vienadzīga. Man neatgriezās mans personīgais melnais caurums ar visām suicidālajām domām. Nē, es vienkārši aizmirsu, kā tas ir dzīvot. Kā tas ir lasīt, rakstīt, dzejot, skatīties filmas, elpot jūras gaisu, redzēt zvaigznes ne no klīnikas stāvlaukuma. Veltīt laiku sev un gatavot ēst. Es aizmirsu, kā tas ir, runāt par kaut ko citu. Vai satikt citu profesiju cilvēkus.
Šis gads ir pavisam citādāks, ne tāpēc, ka ir Covid, ne tāpēc, ka esmu ielaidusi savā dzīvē fantastisku cilvēku, ar kuru negribas no rītiem šķirties. Un arī ne tāpēc, ka esmu atradusi jaunu komandu kurā strādāt, ar līdzīgu domāšanu un vēlmi darīt labāk. Un ne tāpēc, ka pārvācos.
Bet gan tāpēc, ka es atkal sāku meklēt sevi. Ļaut manam iekšējam "es" elpot.
Mēģināšu atkal rakstīt, kādreiz ļoti patika. |
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[Oct. 22nd, 2018|01:43 am] |
- How do you know you're ready to go back to work?
- Insomnia, migraines and actually dreaming.. |
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| the magic power of written words |
[Oct. 1st, 2018|05:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired as always | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | spotify daily mix 1 | ] |
"The purpose of Art is to convey the truth of a thing, not to be the truth itself."
*
"- When a skylark flies high, - he continued rather hopelessly to Izzie, - it means it's a fine weather.
- Well, one doesn't need a bird to tell one if it's good weather or not, one simply looks about."
*
"Going back is usually more painful than going forward."
*
"No man gave you a fur coat without expecting to receive something in return. Except for one's husband, of course, who expected nothing beyond modest gratitude."
/from "A God in Ruins" by Kate Atkinson/ |
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| nelaimības ģenētika |
[Sep. 11th, 2018|11:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | whichever - it isn't real | ] |
- nez, vai tā ir taisnība, ka mūsu laimes un apmierinātības potenciāls ir ierakstīts mūsu DNS?
- i hope not. otherwise - I must be programmed to be miserable. |
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| iespējamā misija, cerams |
[Sep. 4th, 2018|11:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
cilvēks konstanti izjūt vajadzību pēc misijas. mazas vai lielas - vienalga.
tāpēc es šobrīd mizoju citrona sēkliņas. |
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| Euthanasia Coaster |
[Sep. 2nd, 2018|05:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | just reading | ] |
"Julijonas Urbonas, the man who thought up the Euthanasia Coaster, claims it’s engineered to “humanely—with elegance and euphoria—take the life of a human being.” Those 10 Gs create enough centrifugal force on the body so that the blood rushes down instead of up to the brain, which results in something called cerebral hypoxia, and this is what kills you."
/Jennifer Niven - All the Bright Places/
[The Euthanasia Coaster doesn’t actually exist. But if it did, it would be a three-minute ride that involves a climb nearly a third of a mile long, up to 1,600 feet, followed by a sheer drop and seven loops. That final descent and series of loops takes sixty seconds, the 10 G centrifugal force results from the 223-mile-per-hour loops] |
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| greyish matter |
[Sep. 1st, 2018|11:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | spotify daily mix 2 | ] |
places have the longest memories.
or so it seems.
purvs/mežs mani šodien pārsteidza, visas tās takas, ko pirms gada izstaigāju with him on my mind, brought him to me.
But not the him he is now, but the him he was then. and that nostalgia is painfully overwhelming.
i'm so not over the whole thing. |
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| mazie ikdienas prieciņi |
[Oct. 5th, 2017|01:47 pm] |
nopunktēt sirds tamponādi..
parakņāties zemādā ieaugušā trūcē..
nopunktēt ascītu..
ielikt kaķenei akli urīnkatetru..
pārliet kādam naktī asinis..
ielikt pundurtrusītim vēnā katetru ar pirmo..
paskatīties sonogrāfiski smadzenes caur neaizaugušu galvaskausu.. |
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| saruna ar babušku |
[Sep. 3rd, 2017|01:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | radio | ] |
- is your friend working today?
- pff. "friend"..
- ok, how should I call him?
- call him by his name! call him by what he is..
- and what is he?
- my lover. |
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| es zinu, ka ir nepieklājīgi skaļi smieties par cilvēkiem.. un noklausīties viņu sarunas. BET... |
[Jun. 19th, 2017|12:26 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | freedom | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | - | ] |
sestdienas pēcpusdiena. stacijas laukums. sēžam uz soliņa un ēdam saldējumu.. un, klasiski, noklausāmies svešu cilvēku sarunas.
[Runātāji - divi ap 30, viegli iereibuši ļoti skaļi krievu tautības vīrieši no blakus soliņa, un divi ar 20-25 čaļi]
- eu, pacani, jū spīk ingliš?
- yes, we do.
- jū hev sigaret? ken jū giv?
- yeah, sure, here you go.
- thank jū. great guys, srazu dali. ne to što. Jū hier hoļidej?
- yes.
- jū laik Riga?
- yes, it's nice.
- whēr jū from?
- we're Latvians.
- good. good.
- Do you enjoy Riga?
- jēs, džoint very gūd. kanža gūd. so whēr jū from?
- Saulkrasti.
- Latvija Saulkrasti?
- yes, yes.
- latvieši? a po russki razgovarivajesh?
- tak čuķ čuķ. ja ņemonožku umeju po russki. |
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| de Monteņa padoms |
[May. 26th, 2017|12:18 am] |
Have a lover, have friends, read books. |
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| Dream diary entry #??? |
[May. 25th, 2017|12:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | as lazy as ever | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | something non-commital | ] |
This was a dream of my first sleeping period of the night, so I overslept it with 3 more hours of sleep and my memory of it isn't exact anymore.
It seems I must have had a row of some sorts with my mother, which ended in my decision to spent the night on the porch of a former shop nearby our building [which IRL was indeed a shop when I was little, but nowadays is a security firm, but alas in my dream it was forlorn ]. And for some reason I was very tired or my reticular formation wasn't working properly, as I slept all through some guys playing guitars and hanging out on the same porch, one minute I met the eye of one of them looking straight at me, the next my mind went black, and I was floating in the blissful darkness of my dreamworld.
I opened my eyes to see a dark-haired girl about 20 looking at me from above. She wore no make-up and her face was very pale, it seemed like a second moon, almost shining over me. She was dressed all in black - black fish-net tights, black shorts, black leather-poncho-contraption, which as I discovered later was supposed to hide her very pregnant belly. And just as you do know things in dreams, I knew she was a witch.
"This is my place." She said very softly, so I wondered if she did actually say it, or just made me hear it.
I moved over and we slept back to back, and I wasn't cold anymore for her back was hot as a hearth.
[ then there's a gap in my dream ]
Some other night, I was sitting there with the guitar playing guys, wrapped in a blanket drinking tea with just a whiff of Irish whiskey about it. The girl appeared, there was something wrong with her. She was bent in half and moaning, then she fell, and started crawling all snake like, slithering towards us, her eyes completely white. The guys ran, all except one. His eyes locked with mine just as they did that first night.
"She's about to have a baby." I heard myself say, though I wasn't sure that was the case. "You'll have to help me."
And he did.
The girl was covered in slime and kept growing some sort of misty membranes around herself, as a cocoon. We tore at them, for they kept growing and covering her mouth and nostrils, and she was suffocating, and I was worried that the baby might have a had a hundred of ischemic strokes, before it was finally out. It was a [I would lie if I said "beautiful"] baby girl, whose first cry coincided with the first beam of sunlight. We wrapped them both in my blanket, and just sat there panting from the exertion, among the early morning bird songs and scent of flowers and earth.
I went to wash my hands and face in a nearby stream, as I came back he was standing there fidgeting a little bit, looking at me with a serious expression.
"Will you have dinner with me?" He said, and as a pause prolonged added: ".. sometime?"
"I'd love to."
He smiled, and went to wash himself, but turned back and started packing our things:
"No. Let's do it now.. breakfast.. my place."
And there I woke up blissfully happy, before I fell back into another dream about my course-mates and an ostentatious retro car with antlers. |
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[Apr. 28th, 2017|03:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
there's that magical place for everyone of us, where you go and have a feeling that everything is alright.
today I visited mine. |
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[Apr. 18th, 2017|10:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | headbang | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | raimonds pauls - teātris [ost] | ] |
'chain-smoking' and 'binge-watching'..
is there a word for reading book series with unhealthy addiction?
because there must be. those things are vile! |
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| profesionālais kretīnisms |
[Apr. 17th, 2017|10:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | apņemšanās pilna | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | kate bush - running up that hill | ] |
pirms pāris dienām braucot sabiedriskajā transportā, pievērsos vienam no jaunajiem ekrāniem, kuri uzstādīti speciāli, lai arī tiem cilvēkiem, kas neblenž telefonā, planšetdatorā, elektroniskajā grāmatā, būtu priekšā kāds ekrāns, kurā ieurbties. Šoreiz pasažierus izklaidēja ar Lieldienu ticējumiem. Konkrēti prātā palika šis, īstam rīdziniekam tik vitāli svarīgais ticējums: "Ja otrā Lieldienu rītā līst, govis dos daudz piena."
Šodien no rīta atverot žalūzijas, padomāju - laikam jau govīm būs daudz mastīti. |
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| something I knew, but had forgotten |
[Apr. 16th, 2017|05:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | random spotify background playlist | ] |
"Psychopathy is like sunlight. Overexposure can hasten one’s demise in grotesque, carcinogenic fashion. But regulated exposure at controlled and optimal levels can have a significant positive impact on well-being and quality of life."
/Kevin Dutton "The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success"/ |
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| get your crap together |
[Apr. 15th, 2017|04:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | indifferent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
- My darling, just stop, or you'll need help soon enough!
- Nonsense, I'm perfectly fine!
- Oh, you're, aren't you?! That's why you're isolating yourself, because you're FINE. You ignore phone calls, you have muted all your whatsapp chats and you decline all the invitations to go out.
- But,..
- I'm not finished! You've started keeping things from your bff. You rather write a post, then share your troubles with her. You've picked up that habit of talking to yourself again.. even now. And you've spent a whole hour contemplating theoretical death related issues, like - how a suicidal organ donor can ensure for his organs to be harvested soon enough to be viable, whilst not getting saved.
- Well, it's not the same as contemplating a suicide, you know.
- I know. But it still reminds me of...
- It's not the same! |
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| busted (by myself) |
[Apr. 14th, 2017|05:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | guardians of the galaxy awesome mixtape #1 | ] |
- kāpēc tu neraksti savu gala darbu?
- um.. because I have a grave matter I have to attend to.
- isn't "A Grave Matter" just a name of the book you're reading? |
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| it's getting too crowded in my head |
[Apr. 13th, 2017|06:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | beaten* bet par to vēlāk | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | putnu dziesmas aiz loga un istabā (ja tās tā var nosaukt) | ] |
Kārtējo reizi pati neko nerakstīšu, tik atreferēšu divas izlasītas lietas. (for some inexplicable reason - abas romantisch..)
____________
- Nesaprotu, nu ko Tu viņā esi atradusi?!
- Es vnk viņu mīlu. Un to es atradu nevis viņā, bet sevī.
____________
'Kādu dienu es beidzot saņēmos un aizgāju no sava vīra, pie sava mīļotā, kurš diemžēl neizrādījās tikpat drosmīgs.
Trīs dienas vēlāk es izskrēju no viņa viesnīcas ar asaru pilnām acīm un, neskatoties, kurp eju, saskrējos ar savu vīru. Mēs vienkārši stāvējām un skatījāmies viens uz otru, nesakot ne vārda. Un tad sāka līt lietus. Man nebija lietussarga, bet viņam bija. Viņš piedāvāja man savu elkoni, es izbāzu cauri savu roku. Un tā klusībā mēs gājām.. Kur? Uz mājām, protams.'
____________
Man liekas, kkas tajā ir. |
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[Apr. 12th, 2017|07:46 pm] |
Remember, friends, as you pass by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so you must be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.
- 18th CENTURY GRAVE EPITAPH |
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