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[10. Feb 2024|19:00] |
Resilience.
The word resilience is slippery and hard to define, but it isn’t about “bouncing back”, says Dr Nihara Krause, consultant clinical psychologist and founder of teenage mental health charity stem4. “It’s about bouncing forward, finding how you might progress based on developing new tools and skills.”
And it’s not just something to hone when young, but a lifelong pursuit, says Dr Julie Smith, clinical psychologist and author of Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?: “Resilience is something we work on all the time – when people hit a certain life event that proves more demanding than their current coping strategies can meet, we’re learning new ways of coping, to bolster that resilience.”
Here, then, is a lifetime’s guide...
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Midlifers
At this time of peak responsibility, Smith says that we tend to turn towards our feelings with judgment: I’m overwhelmed, so I’m falling short. “But it’s more helpful to turn towards feelings with curiosity; ‘I’m feeling resentful, what does that mean I need?’ A break? A reallocation of responsibilities?”
If you’re caring for sick parents, Smith says that witnessing their deterioration can be hugely painful: “Rather than saying ‘I need to be more robust’, recognise you feel sad because this is a sad situation. Don’t kick yourself when you’re down.”
There isn’t one magic bullet, it’s about making lots of small changes
Diet, sleep and exercise impact resilience, so too does meaningful work, and your sense of agency. “If someone perceives themselves as a victim with no way of affecting change, that will cause much more distress than someone who looks at where they can help themselves,” says Smith. Often our problems are either around experiencing feelings we don’t want (stress) or wanting positive feelings back (freedom).
“Look at what’s contributing, then what changes could contribute to a better outcome,” says Smith. “There isn’t one magic bullet, it’s about making lots of small changes. Reflect on what those might be, try them, keep what works, ditch what doesn’t. It could be getting friends involved so you can take breaks. A friend of mine had someone come along to sit for an hour with her elderly father, who had dementia, in the morning so she could exercise or go for a walk. Just having that one hour a day made a huge difference.”
When you experience grief, again, watch your expectations. “People often feel they ‘should’ be OK a month later, and when they’re not, they judge themselves,” says Smith. “Allow yourself protected time to feel pain and to feel connected to that person, perhaps by visiting a certain place or spending some with photographs. Then put in a conscious effort to step back into the present again.”
If work is dissatisfying, explore that. “The risk of suicide in middle-aged men is particularly high if they lose their job and then feel unemployable because of their age,” says Smith. “Sit with a therapist, pen and paper or a trusted friend and hash it out. How long have you felt this? What do you feel you need? What would you be spending the next five years doing?”
How to build resilience at every age. |
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"Don’t kick yourself when you’re down." This. | |
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