An unidentified, but self-proclaimed ‘ugly man’ had surgeons implant a vagina from a cadaver in his left hand last week, it was announced today. Doctors at the Nashua Clinic for Sexual Re-Implementation, in Nashua New Hampshire, said the patient, known only as “Doug” was doing well given the significant change to his hand. Lead surgeon, Dr. Emil Bordin, said it was normal for a patient with this sort of operation to take some time to become used to the differences. “The palm, for example, will be much more sensitive.”
“Doug” claimed that he had not had sexual relations with another person in twenty-seven years and that his prospects were not improving as he aged and became even more unattractive. The official hospital ‘bio’ states that “Doug” is a three hundred pound Science Fiction fan who works with computers.
Doctor Bordin said the vagina runs up “Doug’s” forearm and should, once healed, provide him with the ultimate masturbatory experience. Sweat glands removed from the patient’s underarms and placed in his hand vagina will provide additional natural lubrication.
Though not technically a ‘surgically constructed’ vagina, “Doug” will face some of the same issues that confront transsexuals and will need to use the vagina regularly in order to maintain its viability as a working orifice. Further, because it is a surgically implanted vagina “Doug’ must deal with the same issues of rejection as any other transplant patient, and must take medicine to reduce the efficiency of his immune system for the rest of his life.
Before the surgery “Doug’ said he thought there would be no problems with using the hand vagina regularly but was concerned that tuna loving cats might be inordinately attracted to his hand unless he kept it gloved.