Through glass

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
but No one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
( looking out )

Spēlējos ar CorelDraw, vienīgā ilustrāciju programma ko man piešķīra darbā :-P

Skat ko Tesa priekš manis uztaisīja :-)

Bijām vakar ar otru Latvieti, kas mācās manā fakultātē, aizbraukušas uz Hāgu (Den Haag) nobalsot. Man protams tas bija pienākums nevis tikai pret valsti (un cik es gan esmu apzinīgs pilsonis :P), bet gan drīzāk pienākums pret ģimeni un precīzāk savu māti. LPP/LC apvienība protams ir godam iekļuvusi jaunajā valdībā, taču šaubos, ka mana māte būs ieguvusi kādu vietu tajā.
Uz Hāgu protams nebraucām tikai balsot, bet arī baudīt mākslu. Apmeklējām divus muzejus - Mauritshuis un Gemeentemuseum - vienīgi žēl, ka es netiku uz Escher'a muzeju.
Taču pirmajā muzejā kādas 15 minūtes sēdēju un skatījos nespējīga atraut skatienu no Vermēra 'Meitene ar pērļu auskaru'.

( Meitene ar pērļu auskaru )

Tātad ceturtdien bija lekcijā, kurā apspriedām savas dienasgrāmatas.
Manā dienasgrāmatā beigās bija 22 ieraksti pa 7 dienām.
Kā jau minēju man jau no paša sākuma liktās, ka vienkārši šādas diengasgrāmatas ieviešana un tāds mājasdarbs pastiprina domas par seksuālo, izrādās, ka citiem kursa biedriem bija arī pretējs efekts. Daži tieši mēģinot atrast seksuālo un erotisko ikdienā vairs nespēja neko saskatīt. Viņiem runāt un pat domāt par šo tēmu bija sarežģīti, jo erotiskums rodas pats no sevis un nav pieejams viņu pašanalīzei. Viena meitene pat atzinās, ka nedēļas laikā viņai nebija neviena erotiska doma vai atgadījums, kas likās ļoti bēdīgi.
Taču bijām jau arī iepriekš pieskārušies šajā kursā a-sexual cilvēku tēmai, kas šķiet ir kļuvuši pēdējā laikā īpaši aktīvi rietumu sabiedrībā un pat veido savus klubus, paredzētus cilvēkiem, kuri ir pilnīgi bez jebkādām seksuālām emocijām. Šī tēma ir arī salīdzinoši maz pētīta pagaidām, taču personīgi saprotu, ka tā ir kaut kāda mentāla stadija, ka seksa vispār negribas, pat ja dažreiz tīri fizioloģiski pazīmes par tā esību parādas šie cilvēki to noliedz un vienkārši nevēlas pat akceptēt sevi par seksuālām būtnēm...bet nu es neesmu nekāds eksperts un par šo tēmu vēl vajadzētu kaut ko papētīt...
Liekas man gan līdz tādai stadijai ir tālu, spriežot pēc savas dienasgrāmatas. Viena lieta ko pamanīju arī pēc ierakstiem, ka daudzas lietas, kas manā prātā saistās ar erotismu ir balstītas uz asociācijām no filmām, mūzikas, grāmatām un atmiņām. Piemēram, braucot liftā atcerējos Aerosmith dziesmiņu "Love in an elevator" - living it up while I'm going down - kaut kā tā skanēja un tā nu arī lifts nonāca manā dienasgrāmatā...kā arī veļasmazgājamā telpa, webkamera, sporta kluba duša, Luis Royo māksla, daži cilvēki, dažas darbības, pāris atmiņas un vēl kaut kādas random domas.
Kopumā pasākums bija interesants.

PS. lekcijā secinājām arī ka principā visiem cilvēkiem ir fetiši, jo tās ir jebkādas konkrētas darbības, ķermeņa daļas, priekšmeti, lietas, tēli kas izraisa uzbudinājumu...protams nopietns fetišs ir tikai tāds, kad nav iespējams uzbudināties bez kādas konkrētas lietas, taču principā nelieli fetiši ir mums visiem...ir interesnati padomāt kādi ir tev pašam :D

Other Side Of The World

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

And the fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're on the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

And the fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're on the other side of the world

Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

And the fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're on the other side of the world
On the other side of the world
You're on the other side of the world to me

Miss you

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

Šodien mums kursā par Social and Cultural Studies of Sexuality uzdevu mājas darbu līdz nākošai lekcijai, kas ir pēc nedēļas, katru dienu pierakstīt visu kas mums ikdienā saistās ar seksuālo un erotisko, optimāli visas dienas garumā.
Pats smieklīgākais man liekas ir tas ka pat vienkārši pats mājas darbs jau izraisa erotiskas domas un asociācijas un uzliek automātisku slēdzi tavā galvā, kas liek tev uz dažādām lietām skatīties seksuālā gaismā, ko tu varbūt pat ikdienā nedarītu.
Šajā ziņā šī metode nav veiksmīga, jo zūd tīri novērotāja efekts un tīrā refleksivitāte no autobiogrāfa puses arī.
Jebkurā gadījumā uzdevums ir jautrs, tagad tikai jāatceras ir pierakstīt visas tās lietas, kas uzpeld manā pārlieku aktīvajā fantāzijā ;)

Who wants to live forever

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away
from us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever....?

There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can live forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

    There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying.
    The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
    Pick a nice day, it suggests, and try it.
    The first part is easy.
    All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt.
    That is, it's going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground.
    Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard.
    Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties.
    One problem is that you have to miss the ground accidentally. It's no good deliberately intending to miss the ground because you won't. You have to have your attention suddenly distracted by something else when you're halfway there, so that you are no longer thinking about falling, or about the ground, or about how much it's going to hurt if you fail to miss it.
    It is notoriously difficult to prise your attention away from these three things during the split second you have at your disposal. Hence most people's failure, and their eventual disillusionment with this exhilarating and spectacular sport.
If, however, you are lucky enough to have your attention momentarily distracted at the crucial moment by, say, a gorgeous pair of legs (tentacles, pseudopodia, according to phyllum and/or personal inclination) or a bomb going off in your vicinity, or by suddenly spotting an extremely rare species of beetle crawling along a nearby twig, then in your astonishment you will miss the ground completely and remain bobbing just a few inches above it in what might seem to be a slightly foolish manner.
    This is a moment for superb and delicate concentration.
    Bob and float, float and bob.
    Ignore all considerations of your own weight and simply let yourself waft higher.
    Do not listen to what anybody says to you at this point because they are unlikely to say anything helpful.
    They are most likely to say something along the lines of, 'Good God, you can't possibly be flying!'
    It is vitally important not to believe them or they will suddenly be right.
    Waft higher and higher.
    Try a few swoops, gentle ones at first, then drift above the treetops breathing regularly.
    DO NOT WAVE AT ANYBODY.
    When you have done this a few times you will find the moment of distraction rapidly becomes easier and easier to achieve.
    You will then learn all sorts of things about how to control your flight, your speed, your manoeuvrability, and the trick usually lies in not thinking too hard about whatever you want to do, but just allowing it to happen as if it was going to anyway.
    You will also learn about how to land properly, which is something you will almost certainly cock up, and cock up badly, on your first attempt.
There are private flying clubs you can join which help you achieve the all-important moment of distraction. They hire people with surprising bodies or opinions to leap out from behind bushes and exhibit and/or explain them at the critical moments. Few genuine hitch-hikers will be able to afford to join these clubs, but some may be able to get temporary employment at them.

— Douglas Adams, 'The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy'

Down with the sickness

(...) Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant I kneel
It seems what's left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me

Looking at my own reflection
When suddenly it changes
Violently it changes (oh no)
There is no turning back now
You've woken up the demon in me

Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
You mother get up
You fucker get up
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me (...)

Un atkal aktīvas brīvdienas, kas sākās ar divām dzimšanas dienas svinībā - māsas un Atīša - bet nobeidzās ar braucienu uz Irbeni un pastaigu naktī pa pamestu militāru pilsētu. Pavidu visam vēl bija jūra, rodeļi un ala bez velna.
Prieks, ka īpaši neplānotas brīvdienas izvērtās tik atraktīvas, taču visas turpmākās brīvdienas jau veselu mēnesi uz priekšu ir saplānotas un man ir nelaba nojausma, ka nāksies tajās iespiest vēl pāris pasākumus!

Šī nedēļa būs ļoti īpatnēja, sākot jau ar faktu, ka būs Jāņi un tas jau ir jūtams arī ofisā, jo šodien viss gaitenis pilns ar Jāņu zāļu izstādi pie katra kabineta.
Trešdien savukārt būs jau ceturtais izlaidums manā mūžā un par šo visnotaļ ir vislielākais gandarījums, jo ar katru pakāpi pieaug arī prasības ne tikai oficiālās, bet arī personīgās, ko uzlieku sev un savām akadēmiskajām ambīcijām. Taču šis izlaidums mani mulsina ar to, ka man nav vēl īsti skaidrības kā viņā izturēties, ko vilkt, kas uz to nāks un ko darīt pēc tā...vai man 'rīkot' kādu pasēdēšanu ar tautu vai vienkārši nogaidīt un tad jau uz vietas izlemt, kā atzīmēt iegūto Bakalauru?! Iet uz kursa tusu toč negribas :P
Eh, man ir slinkums, ko pasākt, bet varbūt tomēr saņemšos...vienkārši pārāk daudz aktivitātes jāieplāno vēl šonedēļ...

( Dawn )