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11/5/14 11:55 pm - 'Gone Girl' by Gillian Flynn

Nezinu, kāda ir filma, bet ticu, ka Finčeram kārtējo reizi ir izdevies radīt ko izcilu, par ko liecina visai augstie novērtējumi ar-filmām-saistītājās mājaslapās.
Runa gan ir par grāmatu - jau pagājušas 24 h kopš esmu tikusi līdz beigām, un joprojām it's in my head, jo I simultaneously loved and hated it. I'm in awe and I'm repulsed. Vispār jau diezgan paslima, feministiska, crazy grāmata. Viss, neko daudz nerakstīšu, iepostošu garus, garus citātus, kas neliek man mieru:

"The way some women change fashion regularly, I change personalities. What persona feels good, what’s coveted, what’s au courant? I think most people do this, they just don’t admit it, or else they settle on one persona because they’re too lazy or stupid to pull off a switch.
That night at the Brooklyn party, I was playing the girl who was in style, the girl a man like Nick wants: the Cool Girl. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.
Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them."


" ...the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: ‘I like strong women.’ If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else."


"I waited patiently – years – for the pendulum to swing the other way, for men to start reading Jane Austen, learn how to knit, pretend to love cosmos, organize scrapbook parties, and make out with each other while we leer. And then we’d say, Yeah, he’s a Cool Guy.
But it never happened. Instead, women across the nation colluded in our degradation! Pretty soon Cool Girl became the standard girl. Men believed she existed – she wasn’t just a dreamgirl one in a million. Every girl was supposed to this girl, and if you weren’t, then there was something wrong with you."


"It wasn’t me! I thought you knew. I thought it was a bit of a game. I thought we had a wink-wink, don’t ask, don’t tell thing going. I tried so hard to be easy. But it was unsustainable. It all started collapsing on itself. I hated Nick for being surprised when I became me. I hated him for not knowing it had to end, for truly believing he had married this creature, this figment of the imagination of a million masturbatory men, semen-fingered and self-satisfied. He truly seemed astonished when I asked him to listen to me. He couldn’t believe I didn’t love wax-stripping my pussy raw and blowing him on request."


Piekrītu un nepiekrītu, and it kills me.
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10/11/14 07:39 pm

Gandrīz jau nobriedu izdzēsties, bet rudens mani atrunāja.

Tikai, laikam būs kkas jāmaina. Not sure yet.

7/29/14 12:31 am - sapņu diary n-tais ieraksts

Sapņos atkal grauzēji. Šoreiz gan žurkas, bet tādas miniatūras - ar visām astēm max 3 cm. Un mājas žurciņas - baltas ar tumši pelēku strīpu uz muguras gluži kā Sāriņai bija.. kopā kādas 10.. vienkārši izskrēja no mana radiatora apakšas un izklīda pa istabu.
Maybe universe is trying to tell me something.
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5/12/14 01:55 am - krīzīte

ieraksts, kuru es šeit neierakstīju

5/1/14 06:03 pm - words of wisdom

"Tev ir trīs sirdis. Divas lauztas un viena iesaldēta ledusklucī.."
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3/16/14 12:09 am - iecistēšanās

this all is so terribly wrong.
home sweet home must be one of the safest places for a person. but when I'm not here - I'm this confident optimistic person, full of dreams and motivation. And then comes Friday at the end of which I start to ignore phone calls, don't want to go anywhere, talk to anyone.. I just wanna hide from the world. Lai cik skumji tas nebūtu - at home I feel fat, ugly, lonely, miserable, useless person.. an absolute failure, who is never good enough. And even the idea that the only person I have to be good enough for is myself - doesn't help, because being good enough for myself includes the criteria includes being good enough for my family. And being home hurts.

2/22/14 12:04 am - mazulis 44

Ir grāmatas, kuras izlasās īstajā brīdī, ar īsto iekšējo stāvokli. Grāmatas, kuras uzpeld nejauši, bet kuru īso eksistenci manā dzīvē pavada zīmju virkne, kas kā mozaīkas gabaliņi sakļaujas vienā skaistā mākslas darbā ar manu dzīvi. [un protams, teju nepieklājīgu baudas daudzumu pēc grāmatas izlasīšanas pavada, nemērama tukšuma sajūta..]

Šajā grāmatā bija viss - sākot ar visai cerīgu žurnalistu reportu par Hārdija jauno filmu, [it īpaši, ka tie bija krievu žurnalisti, un as you may know - we Russians ļoti skeptiski skatamies uz ārzemnieku darbiem par mums :D ].. bet pirms filmas, man taču ir jāzina, kas mani sagaida - so I plunged into this piece of literature un devoured it rather uncivil manner as if I was starving.. Sakrita pat tādi sīkumi, ka ēdot mammas tīteņus lasīju, kā protagonista māte gatavo tīteņus viņam. Tur par bija veterinārārsts.. bet mostly mani uzpirka konstantā spriedze, netaisnības sajūta, nedaudz serial killer un ripper stuff, un vsp - āāā.. un viena no manām mīļākajām vadlīnijām - iemīlēšanās savā vīrā jau tad, kad laulība ir doomed :D

Tagad esmu in great need of the second part, and third, kurām vēl neesmu tikusi klāt. Bet pagaidām man sastāda kompāniju Flemings Kūpera izpildījumā un later on ņemšu gultā Dafni di Morjē. Lai, ko cilvēki arī neteiktu - eskeipisms ir ellīgi patīkama lieta.

1/24/14 12:10 am - Izsmelta kā vārdā neminamais Anatoms ar lielo A

Asiņu viļņi atsitas pret manu smadzeņu krastiem, pret maniem pirkstu galiem un kāju potītēm. Ritmiski, tie nāk un nāk..
Ja pielikt roku pie miega artērijas, var just, kā vilnis aizslīd gar pirkstiem un pusmirkli vēlāk atsitas kkur galvā.
Mistiskie viņi saka, ka smadzenes ir visnesāpīgākais orgāns, jo tur nav nervu galu, bet šodien man liekas, ka viņi melo.
Alģēziskie līdzekļi it kā izslēdz sāpes, bet rodas sajūta, ka ausīs ir vate un uz galvas ir spainis. Bet still - tā ir labāk nekā asiņu viļņi, kuri neļauj aizmigt, skaitot away manas dzīves sekundes.

Turklāt most of the time I feel old and dying.. man nav spēka, un pastaiga uz virtuvi pēc jaunas tējas, citrona, morsa, dzērvenēm u.c. liek man justies izsmeltais kā pēc 5 km skriešanas teju 30°C karstumā. ūdens atstāj manu ķermeni caur visām tā porām. Un man liekas, ka daudz es vairs neizvilkšu, bezspēks mani uzveic again un again. [+ going crazy from alone-ness] Un visu dienu skatīšanās uz patoloģiski pārmainītu orgānu bildītēm ar savām asarojošām acīm didn't help. un fonā viena Hannibala sērija nomainīja citu, un tur arī bija daudz orgānu un atvērtu skatam balss saišu un muguras āda atgriezta vaļā, atsedzot ribas, un uzsieta augšā tā, lai izskatītos pēc spārniem un daudz citas serial killer fantāzijas.. bet posteris was done un i'm proud of myself, kgan nedaudz veselīgākā stāvoklī tas prasītu daudz mazāk laika un piepūles.

Now it's time for another analgesic, bed and an audiobook, kur arī ir serial killeri [tāds periods - what can i say]
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1/2/14 02:50 am - pirmais ieraksts

ieraksts atklāj manu 10.(!!!!!) gadu Cibā, ar ko es sevi arī apsveicu! :) [šeit izliktais informācijas apjoms sāk mani biedēt]

Bet vsp ->>>> 'About Time' salīdzinot ar 'Detachment' [kas bija mana pirmā 2013. gadā redzētā filma] sūta šim jaunajam gadam pilnīgi citu messidžu un brīžiem liekas ļoti simboliska filma, ko skatīties jauna gada sākuma, un pavisam ne tāpēc, ka tā sākas ar Jaungada ballīti :D

Vēl manā galvā skan šī frāze: 'es varbūt nemīlu daudzus cilvēkus, bet tos, kurus es mīlu, es mīlu ar kkādu neaprakstāmu spēku.'
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12/27/13 02:28 pm - En-Ou-Tī

Ou-Em-Džī.. haven't had this feeling for a while. [Well haven't really had feelings for a while]
But seriously - I'm not going to do what I'm NOT going to do, because that would be so - school-age-sofija.. :D
But Alexander is so great, even though he's not Alexander the Great. He's just that guy who has an amazing voice, amazing eyes and all that crap, but has very little movies, instead he has these awful 7 seasons long TV series, which I'm definitely not going to watch.

12/24/13 01:51 am

I've been born a robot.
But even robots have a greater capacity of feelings.

12/23/13 12:21 am - the kitchen

In the middle of our dog walking path there is a kitchen. It's on the first floor of the 2 story house.
This kitchen has a big window without curtains or rolls or any other stuff people put in front of their windows to hide from the world. This magical kitchen is not hidden from anyone who is passing by. On the contrary - it is brightly lit with warm feeling to the light, because of the creamy walls.
There's a big table right behind the window. Usually there are 3 people sitting at the table - 2 women and a man. They are all pretty young - I would say in their late 20ies or early 30ies. They drink wine and laugh. And there's a second man - he's always cooking. I always imagine the second couple just coming over for dinner, because there's usually a car parked outside the gate.
To me these perfectly happy people look like they're from the movie, because I don't believe in this happy - have your friends for home dinner and your husband [or whatever] cooking for you every night kinda life. It is almost like I could hear Sinatra or Dean Martin kind of music. And as if it wasn't enough - today they hung out Christmas lights.

12/17/13 10:15 pm - they all got their diplomas today

people keep asking - why are you so sad? [well the last one asked - why are you so angry?] but my mom and ance kept saying - 'I can hear/see there's something wrong.'

I think I'm not sad - I'm just tired and disappointed in myself, besides I'm suffering from sleep deprivation and caffeine overdose [drank more than a liter of black coffee today, and when at the end of the day bought more coffee from the coffee machine, I couldn't hold the cup any more, my hands were shaking like crazy :D ]

With only 2 days to go, there's still so much to do. I could just hide "in the back of a cave, where the rest of us go to feel normal". The funny thing - what I want to hide from the most is the Christmas party.
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12/16/13 02:44 am

I know I owe you many conversations and reports. But the thing about me is - that I do them all in my head, sometimes even more then once and then expect you to know stuff.

Like today I really wanted to tell you, that you've been a great friend yesterday. But did I? Of course not [though I came really close]. But truly - you've been a very good friend and did said just the right things about those prejudices, fears and public opinions. So THANK YOU. This I wanted to tell you this morning.. and even after I wanted to write you 'thank you, and not only for the hat'. But while I was walking I had like 5 different conversations with you in my head.. I realize you didn't hear them, but I did and that's what counts.

And that other thing, I so casually mentioned [that razor thing]. I kinda was sure you knew, because I've told you 'thousands of times'.. And if I remembered you didn't know - I wouldn't have mentioned it. Sorry.

12/8/13 08:16 pm - there are no problems, only solutions

jā - es esmu tas cilvēks, kurš ignorē problēmas eksistences faktu līdz problēma atrisinās pati vai tā jau ir tik milzīga, ka es neko lietas labā nevaru darīt.

12/1/13 01:03 am - kill your darlings

Esmu pazaudējusi daudzas savas daļas along the way, bet visvairāk man pietrūkst tā Sofija, kas daudz raksta [dienasgrāmatu, blogu, muļķīgus stāstus, nevīžīgus dzejoļus, grāmatu un filmu recenzijas.. vnk skaipā]. Tai Sofijai galvā nebija tik visaptverošs haoss, lingvālā putra, melnais caurums, un tik daudz apslēpto emociju domino kauliņi, kuri mēdz pēc ķēdes reakcijas principa sabrukt un novest līdz tādam emocionālajam izsīkumam kāda minimāla kairinātāja dēļ. Lasīt tālāk )

11/11/13 11:21 pm - keeping strong

patriotu nedēļa - you just have to survive it.
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11/8/13 12:47 am - facepalm..

Džī, šitā izblamējos un vēl uz telekameru un pa pbk rādīs :D
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11/5/13 02:19 am - 've been thinking

ja es nomirtu, es laikam negribētu, lai mans kurss nāktu uz manām bērēm.. vai mana klase..
apart from the immediate family, tās būtu jūš abas, Ance un Ko.. nu vēl A un J.. nu vēl kādi 4 - 6 cilvēki varētu atnākt.. no busses to be hired for me..
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11/5/13 12:26 am - dzīve ir līdz viņa nav

trīs nedēļas - trīs nāves.. ja tās ir zīmes vai kāds brīdinājums.. vai es nezinu kas no kkādas augšas or whatever, tad tas galīgi nav a cheerful one.
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