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10/11/14 07:39 pm

Gandrīz jau nobriedu izdzēsties, bet rudens mani atrunāja.

Tikai, laikam būs kkas jāmaina. Not sure yet.

7/29/14 12:31 am - sapņu diary n-tais ieraksts

Sapņos atkal grauzēji. Šoreiz gan žurkas, bet tādas miniatūras - ar visām astēm max 3 cm. Un mājas žurciņas - baltas ar tumši pelēku strīpu uz muguras gluži kā Sāriņai bija.. kopā kādas 10.. vienkārši izskrēja no mana radiatora apakšas un izklīda pa istabu.
Maybe universe is trying to tell me something.
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5/12/14 01:55 am - krīzīte

ieraksts, kuru es šeit neierakstīju

5/1/14 06:03 pm - words of wisdom

"Tev ir trīs sirdis. Divas lauztas un viena iesaldēta ledusklucī.."
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3/16/14 12:09 am - iecistēšanās

this all is so terribly wrong.
home sweet home must be one of the safest places for a person. but when I'm not here - I'm this confident optimistic person, full of dreams and motivation. And then comes Friday at the end of which I start to ignore phone calls, don't want to go anywhere, talk to anyone.. I just wanna hide from the world. Lai cik skumji tas nebūtu - at home I feel fat, ugly, lonely, miserable, useless person.. an absolute failure, who is never good enough. And even the idea that the only person I have to be good enough for is myself - doesn't help, because being good enough for myself includes the criteria includes being good enough for my family. And being home hurts.

2/22/14 12:04 am - mazulis 44

Ir grāmatas, kuras izlasās īstajā brīdī, ar īsto iekšējo stāvokli. Grāmatas, kuras uzpeld nejauši, bet kuru īso eksistenci manā dzīvē pavada zīmju virkne, kas kā mozaīkas gabaliņi sakļaujas vienā skaistā mākslas darbā ar manu dzīvi. [un protams, teju nepieklājīgu baudas daudzumu pēc grāmatas izlasīšanas pavada, nemērama tukšuma sajūta..]

Šajā grāmatā bija viss - sākot ar visai cerīgu žurnalistu reportu par Hārdija jauno filmu, [it īpaši, ka tie bija krievu žurnalisti, un as you may know - we Russians ļoti skeptiski skatamies uz ārzemnieku darbiem par mums :D ].. bet pirms filmas, man taču ir jāzina, kas mani sagaida - so I plunged into this piece of literature un devoured it rather uncivil manner as if I was starving.. Sakrita pat tādi sīkumi, ka ēdot mammas tīteņus lasīju, kā protagonista māte gatavo tīteņus viņam. Tur par bija veterinārārsts.. bet mostly mani uzpirka konstantā spriedze, netaisnības sajūta, nedaudz serial killer un ripper stuff, un vsp - āāā.. un viena no manām mīļākajām vadlīnijām - iemīlēšanās savā vīrā jau tad, kad laulība ir doomed :D

Tagad esmu in great need of the second part, and third, kurām vēl neesmu tikusi klāt. Bet pagaidām man sastāda kompāniju Flemings Kūpera izpildījumā un later on ņemšu gultā Dafni di Morjē. Lai, ko cilvēki arī neteiktu - eskeipisms ir ellīgi patīkama lieta.

1/24/14 12:10 am - Izsmelta kā vārdā neminamais Anatoms ar lielo A

Asiņu viļņi atsitas pret manu smadzeņu krastiem, pret maniem pirkstu galiem un kāju potītēm. Ritmiski, tie nāk un nāk..
Ja pielikt roku pie miega artērijas, var just, kā vilnis aizslīd gar pirkstiem un pusmirkli vēlāk atsitas kkur galvā.
Mistiskie viņi saka, ka smadzenes ir visnesāpīgākais orgāns, jo tur nav nervu galu, bet šodien man liekas, ka viņi melo.
Alģēziskie līdzekļi it kā izslēdz sāpes, bet rodas sajūta, ka ausīs ir vate un uz galvas ir spainis. Bet still - tā ir labāk nekā asiņu viļņi, kuri neļauj aizmigt, skaitot away manas dzīves sekundes.

Turklāt most of the time I feel old and dying.. man nav spēka, un pastaiga uz virtuvi pēc jaunas tējas, citrona, morsa, dzērvenēm u.c. liek man justies izsmeltais kā pēc 5 km skriešanas teju 30°C karstumā. ūdens atstāj manu ķermeni caur visām tā porām. Un man liekas, ka daudz es vairs neizvilkšu, bezspēks mani uzveic again un again. [+ going crazy from alone-ness] Un visu dienu skatīšanās uz patoloģiski pārmainītu orgānu bildītēm ar savām asarojošām acīm didn't help. un fonā viena Hannibala sērija nomainīja citu, un tur arī bija daudz orgānu un atvērtu skatam balss saišu un muguras āda atgriezta vaļā, atsedzot ribas, un uzsieta augšā tā, lai izskatītos pēc spārniem un daudz citas serial killer fantāzijas.. bet posteris was done un i'm proud of myself, kgan nedaudz veselīgākā stāvoklī tas prasītu daudz mazāk laika un piepūles.

Now it's time for another analgesic, bed and an audiobook, kur arī ir serial killeri [tāds periods - what can i say]
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1/2/14 02:50 am - pirmais ieraksts

ieraksts atklāj manu 10.(!!!!!) gadu Cibā, ar ko es sevi arī apsveicu! :) [šeit izliktais informācijas apjoms sāk mani biedēt]

Bet vsp ->>>> 'About Time' salīdzinot ar 'Detachment' [kas bija mana pirmā 2013. gadā redzētā filma] sūta šim jaunajam gadam pilnīgi citu messidžu un brīžiem liekas ļoti simboliska filma, ko skatīties jauna gada sākuma, un pavisam ne tāpēc, ka tā sākas ar Jaungada ballīti :D

Vēl manā galvā skan šī frāze: 'es varbūt nemīlu daudzus cilvēkus, bet tos, kurus es mīlu, es mīlu ar kkādu neaprakstāmu spēku.'
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12/27/13 02:28 pm - En-Ou-Tī

Ou-Em-Džī.. haven't had this feeling for a while. [Well haven't really had feelings for a while]
But seriously - I'm not going to do what I'm NOT going to do, because that would be so - school-age-sofija.. :D
But Alexander is so great, even though he's not Alexander the Great. He's just that guy who has an amazing voice, amazing eyes and all that crap, but has very little movies, instead he has these awful 7 seasons long TV series, which I'm definitely not going to watch.

12/24/13 01:51 am

I've been born a robot.
But even robots have a greater capacity of feelings.

12/23/13 12:21 am - the kitchen

In the middle of our dog walking path there is a kitchen. It's on the first floor of the 2 story house.
This kitchen has a big window without curtains or rolls or any other stuff people put in front of their windows to hide from the world. This magical kitchen is not hidden from anyone who is passing by. On the contrary - it is brightly lit with warm feeling to the light, because of the creamy walls.
There's a big table right behind the window. Usually there are 3 people sitting at the table - 2 women and a man. They are all pretty young - I would say in their late 20ies or early 30ies. They drink wine and laugh. And there's a second man - he's always cooking. I always imagine the second couple just coming over for dinner, because there's usually a car parked outside the gate.
To me these perfectly happy people look like they're from the movie, because I don't believe in this happy - have your friends for home dinner and your husband [or whatever] cooking for you every night kinda life. It is almost like I could hear Sinatra or Dean Martin kind of music. And as if it wasn't enough - today they hung out Christmas lights.

12/17/13 10:15 pm - they all got their diplomas today

people keep asking - why are you so sad? [well the last one asked - why are you so angry?] but my mom and ance kept saying - 'I can hear/see there's something wrong.'

I think I'm not sad - I'm just tired and disappointed in myself, besides I'm suffering from sleep deprivation and caffeine overdose [drank more than a liter of black coffee today, and when at the end of the day bought more coffee from the coffee machine, I couldn't hold the cup any more, my hands were shaking like crazy :D ]

With only 2 days to go, there's still so much to do. I could just hide "in the back of a cave, where the rest of us go to feel normal". The funny thing - what I want to hide from the most is the Christmas party.
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12/16/13 02:44 am

I know I owe you many conversations and reports. But the thing about me is - that I do them all in my head, sometimes even more then once and then expect you to know stuff.

Like today I really wanted to tell you, that you've been a great friend yesterday. But did I? Of course not [though I came really close]. But truly - you've been a very good friend and did said just the right things about those prejudices, fears and public opinions. So THANK YOU. This I wanted to tell you this morning.. and even after I wanted to write you 'thank you, and not only for the hat'. But while I was walking I had like 5 different conversations with you in my head.. I realize you didn't hear them, but I did and that's what counts.

And that other thing, I so casually mentioned [that razor thing]. I kinda was sure you knew, because I've told you 'thousands of times'.. And if I remembered you didn't know - I wouldn't have mentioned it. Sorry.

12/8/13 08:16 pm - there are no problems, only solutions

jā - es esmu tas cilvēks, kurš ignorē problēmas eksistences faktu līdz problēma atrisinās pati vai tā jau ir tik milzīga, ka es neko lietas labā nevaru darīt.

12/1/13 01:03 am - kill your darlings

Esmu pazaudējusi daudzas savas daļas along the way, bet visvairāk man pietrūkst tā Sofija, kas daudz raksta [dienasgrāmatu, blogu, muļķīgus stāstus, nevīžīgus dzejoļus, grāmatu un filmu recenzijas.. vnk skaipā]. Tai Sofijai galvā nebija tik visaptverošs haoss, lingvālā putra, melnais caurums, un tik daudz apslēpto emociju domino kauliņi, kuri mēdz pēc ķēdes reakcijas principa sabrukt un novest līdz tādam emocionālajam izsīkumam kāda minimāla kairinātāja dēļ. Lasīt tālāk )

11/11/13 11:21 pm - keeping strong

patriotu nedēļa - you just have to survive it.
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11/8/13 12:47 am - facepalm..

Džī, šitā izblamējos un vēl uz telekameru un pa pbk rādīs :D
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11/5/13 02:19 am - 've been thinking

ja es nomirtu, es laikam negribētu, lai mans kurss nāktu uz manām bērēm.. vai mana klase..
apart from the immediate family, tās būtu jūš abas, Ance un Ko.. nu vēl A un J.. nu vēl kādi 4 - 6 cilvēki varētu atnākt.. no busses to be hired for me..
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11/5/13 12:26 am - dzīve ir līdz viņa nav

trīs nedēļas - trīs nāves.. ja tās ir zīmes vai kāds brīdinājums.. vai es nezinu kas no kkādas augšas or whatever, tad tas galīgi nav a cheerful one.

10/20/13 12:55 am - darling, it's life.

these feelings i have - there are just so many of them.
and they all are in my head.
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