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February 9th, 2009
08:02 pm
How people change and fade, any relations between us and them dissolve like there has always been just nothing. Yes, things change, but I'm scared of the speed. People I was geting used to, people that had become a part of my everyday life - I don't even know where they are now and whether they're dead or alive. I never get to see them, they are lost to me and I am lost to them. I don't know the world anymore. Too many have abandoned me.
I also keep seeing the intolerable dreams. They make me feel weird, like I'm lately failing to be the person I've chosen to be for now. The perfect actress, hah. See, now not only the people I see, but also the places are ridiculously strange. Like some long-lost childhood memories I might have also only dreamt about, too. This is worse than Theory of Knowledge, really. I can't tell what's real, what's just a dream and where is the freaking difference. Hello. I'm still rather euphoric about the lastest ones I've seen, although I know it's definitely wrong.
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February 8th, 2009
10:18 pm - 6
Alice in Wonderland. Chapter 6.
Smell of the woods, smell of fire and of blood. I can feel every single scent in the air. Only the scent of my emptiness and despair seemed to be finally gone. As soon as we crossed the city lines I felt a motherly instinct arise in me. I would be bound to protect the place even with my life if needed. I mean - how could everything become so clear in one single moment of time? As if I had a new life manual placed in front of me as a surprise-gift. And this one, alike the one before it, didn't tell me how to live, it only explained the things that were already there. There was no pattern, no plan or advise. All I had was information, the choice was up to me. I could once again make decisions based on what I knew. And everything was answered honestly, I could feel that - only those things which had a definite answer were provided with one. All other things were just made clear and simple, as if I gained new vision that allowed me to see what's in front of me finally. Alice took my hand and whispered pain into my year, and nothing felt as good as that. I was there to stay.
First time we slept there - and I don't even remember what we did before that and how we got the room, nor even where it was - I was disturbed by the dream I saw. I was thinking high for my first-night's dream, but it was completely normal. It held no images of the recent events, nor the things that bothered me, like my dreams usually did. I saw something I never thought I'd be even thinking about, not to mention any kind of dreaming. And there I was, dreaming of the wrong person. I could have dreamt about my brother, my parents, Kate, Brad or at least Alice who was breathlessly sleeping beside me. All the people I was or had been close to, all those who I cared about. Sheesh, even the dead driver burried in the forest or his family would seem more normal to me than this guy I saw. I swear, I'd forgotten he even existed, but guess what people say about girls never forgeting their first must be true. Eric was an electro-engineer from the nearby-university, a second course student himself, but extremely gifted at what he did. At that time, a couple of years ago - huh, I couldn't even remember how long ago it happened - I was a junior or something, maybe sophomore. Our relationship was spontaneous, I didn't even notice it, as I didn't notice most of my life passing by. But he kind of was my first. I remember him being astonished by me being the one not to call, guess he really liked me at the time. What else would be the reason for him to keep trying to contact me for five more months or so. In this dreem that I had... I was happy and kind of relieved to see him again, threw my arms around him and we danced while the music kept changing and suddenly I ended up at the top of a huge tower in the middle of nowhere. And then the dream went off into directions I couldn't even describe after waking up screaming. Felt like being slain by a dragon.
All my wounds suddenly disappeared into nowhere as if I'd never been in an accident, as if I'd never been tortured by Alice for many, many times.
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February 5th, 2009
09:19 pm - 5
Alice in Wonderland. Chapter 5.
Seeing the right kind of wrong was my advantage from the birth. No one ever had to tell me those things, like I was born with some kind of strange knowledge of the world i'd have to live in. It was like I came into life with a manual for it, yeah. Since I met her - all my unique knowledge didn't apply. It was all wrong and right at the same time, never one. We had the strangest kinds of conversations, some of them seemed to not make any sense at all, laying across a flat meadow somewhere in the middle of somwhere which appeared to be a forest. I had long lost my trace of time and location. Those might have been just seconds after I met her. That might have been a life-time. We both burned my life-manual and spread the ashes over an unseen ocean. There was nothing more bewildering than being completely blank about the truths of time. And we promised to ourselves that we would see the world differently from now on. I smiled as the red ribbon in my hair danced in the breeze of my new world.
There's no place like home...this my first thought as soon as I first saw Farewell, my dream town. And maybe, in fact, it really was just a dream, I can never be too sure, no matter what I say. But there it was, as real as nothing in my life had been. You're thinking right now that I found my peace, my lost brother and a couple of freaking shiny elves and lived happily ever after. I strongly advise you to snap out of it. That kind of stuff never happens. Not even in fairy-tales as they are. My brother is in a goddamn mental asylum. And I never found him, let go of that thought.
The town was no fairytale, in fact, it was burning. It was screaming in dreadful agony. It was anyone's worst nightmare-come-true. And I absolutely loved it the first minute I felt it close. Alice rushed ahead of me to show the right way. It was really easy to get as lost as possible.
The place was completely real, still the sign saying "Farewell" was seemingly floating above ground, mocking even a thought of gravity, surrounded by a thick cloud of mist. Those coulds were positioned all over the place as they pleased. Huge, granite houses and wood houses and all possible kinds of houses were thrown around chaotically, leaving no chance to find a corelation between them. Towns were usually organized. This one was organized differently. A normal person would say it's crazy. And I could see some sense in that. The unknown woods we just came out of were higher above sea level than the small town. I could see a stone wall at the other end of it from my heights. Farewell, my dear, there's no way out. You can't go through. This is your last stop. I saw much more than what I could describe and still all the place seemed completely normal. And perfectly still.
None of what I saw gave me this new confidence I'd never experienced before, this feeling of relief. I felt calm and content, I felt peace filling my lungs. "There's no such thing as happiness," I tought to myself, "this is all I need." It was this impossible aura of the place, the atmosphere. The town was alive and it was greeting me.
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February 1st, 2009
12:02 pm - Of Stars and Smoke
"From nothing I came before,
to nothing I go
I heard that wise man said:
"From presence to silence...we flow""
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03:36 am - 4
Alice in Wonderland. Chapter 4.
A tender voice sang an anthem of an ancient world to me while the gentle hands tied a red ribbon into my golden hair. There was not a slightest breeze again. Nevertheless, the heat was my solace.
"Oh, never be sad," she said taking the daggers out of his dead body,"at the least of this we had some fun. He was not in any great pain."
I still stood astonished by what we had done. I'd seen her kill before, but this was different as I became a killer too. She said I'd advanced. I said I died. And then there was a sound that I'd swear sounded like "not yet". Wherefore had she this strange obsession, I was sick with it too. And I loved every single moment of it just as I loved her, and I still do.
No people, no motels, no dinners...just a half-empty highway. I wonder why they build those if they're never fully used. Just like human body, especially human brain. Alice always seems like she has learnt more of it than we have, like she understands some enourmous truth that changes everything. But that's got nothing to do with highways, hasn't it?
I had a diary since I was little. I wrote in it every single day until I was 12. Since then...no, I didn't stop writing, but the lines that appeared in the little notebook with roses became different like they'd just had all life sucked out of them. They lost my soul and I'm able to understand this as I still could not find it by the time I was laying across the hot highway road and crossing out these soulless lines. Though by thought, day by day, month by month...That was all that made it, all my life. And I started reading into it to understand what a waste I was. I was sorry for myself. And then I cut open one of the wounds and used the blood to make a new entry. Cliche', I know. But that is what I had to do.
It was a grief-relief. I got rid of all the poison in me, all that had been holding me down for days. I told the story of the kind driver who offered a ride. And he should have never done that, at least because he was the one burried in the middle of a forest a hundred miles behind. His death was not easy, no matter what Alice says. In her eyes - everything is easy. I think she could kill herself without a single moment of doubt or any other feeling. She, the most emotional creature in the world, was the only person I knew capable of such indifference. "This is not her fault. This is what she does." I wrote and added "if only I hadn't gone crazy.". I was thinking of my hands covered with his blood, of the dagger I was pushing through his throat. I had never noticed before that I was so strong. But that did not matter at all when I saw life leaving his eyes at the point where he could no longer take the pain. Or where the injuries got lethal. I couldn't really tell the difference, to me it's all the same.
When my guilt was eased we finally left the highway to set our further way through the woods.
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January 31st, 2009
12:14 am - 3
Alice in Wonderland. Chapter 3.
Through the highway we were walking and not a single car touched us. I felt almost like walking there completely alone like in my dreams when I still had them. Nothing is ever certain. She was floating right beside me silent like a floating grave. Steps so light they can't be heard. Heart so silent...My thoughts were running faster, my breath was impossibly frequent. I would have gotten 20 years older in a moment if all of that was true. There was not a single thing I would miss from my previous life. I was ready to give away the nothing I had to make it all different. Alice was singing an ancient balade. I was continuously tuning it out. I needed more space for my speed-racing thoughts.
Cars were whooing by with incredible speed that almost caused motion sickness. My bleeding feet left a long trail behind us. There was a joke about the two kids in the forest. My blood was like the seeds. Just filled with glass.
"There must be a better place", I finally said, "and you're taking me there. I'll give you everything."
"'Tis funny how she shalt give me everything while having nothing," said Alice and fell into her own special kind of silence again. Yeah, with her...everything was different already. And still I somehow knew she was then creating a new world for me.
"I love you," I told her completely content by myself now and closed my eyes feeling a slight breeze on my skin. A nice change in such a hellish weather. Alice never answered this one, but by the way her silence changed, I could tell she knew. Right after then walking became a very painful action indeed. I stopped a car.
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January 26th, 2009
10:09 pm
[..]
Fly from now on with the dragons in sky
Free yourself and may your soul never die [..]
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January 23rd, 2009
11:25 pm - 2
Alice in Wonderland. Chapter 2.
It's impossible to dislike Alice, even considering all the pain she might cause people. My perfect sadist is a creature too light and wonderful to ever seem evil. Even after she kills a dozen people in a blink of an eye, right in front of 'my' blink of an eye. I still loved her and adored the way she smiled at me, with unending care and devotion. No matter what her sick mind produced, I couldn't help ignoring the harm it did. She tortured me some more, too. Maybe that's why the journey to her Wonderland took quite some time. Once we stopped in a motel to have a rest and back in the room she cut my wounds open once again and made me watch, she also made me watch her sticking needles into the wounds. Excrutiating pain I felt was nothing comparing to how heavenly innocent she appeared to me. But enough about Alice. Let's talk about me.
9 years ago, summer, May, hot. What had lead me to the mental state where I didn not care what was happening to me, where I had lost enough to be able to risk everything, as I had nothing? Probably nothing. I was a nobody in the deepest sense of the word. I was only 18, but I had tried everything in life - sex, drugs, alcohol...all the usual. Nothing impressed me enough to bring me to life again. There 'was' an accident, just like there always is in this kind of stories. I had lost my older brother when I was 12. And, hell, I loved that wild wild guy. He wasn't like anyone in the family, he wasn't like anyone I knew then, he was making my life. When Daniel was taken away to some closed mental institution, I had lost this life and wasn't able to relocate it on my own. People saw me hybernate through everyday routine, for all the 6 years. Only in 5 years after my brother had disappeared, my parents told me that they had to separate us in order to restrain his effect on my life and personal development. They said they couldn't have imagined that this would turn out like that, like me turning into a ghost rather than a lively human being they were hoping to see. They didn't know... I didn't drop a single tear when Alice said she killed them. This is all very sentimental and mostly unreasonable to any other person than me. It's not possible to understand how a life could depend on someone so much...unless you've been in such situation personally. I was one of those weak dependent people who needed a strong personality to lead their life. When left without such a personality...well, I became the apathetic phlegm everyone knew. I existed, but did not live a single moment of my life.
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January 17th, 2009
07:37 pm - 1
Alice in Wonderland. Chapter 1.
There has not been a single day I would not send my mind back to that place. I still cannot deceide wether it was real or just a vision caused by my definitely sick mind. That would have been a wondrous dream. I can never find the place again, not on a map, not even where I left it behind seven years ago. If I ever found it again, I would say that there is no place like home. And no other place felt like home that much. That was the time when my captured soul was released and filled with a new meaning.
I met Alice that summer, 9 years ago. She was a fairy-like creature in my eyes rather than a human. And she was the one who brought me to Farewell, the city of my dreams and worst nightmares. In fact, there are no dreams without a tinge of a nightmare in them. The terrible heat that took place that May did not seem to bother her at all. The first time I saw her, I knew she would be the death of me. Instantly she took my hand and lead me somewhere far away. It did not matter where, it did not matter at all, as I had fallen into deep indifference at that point of my life. I had no interest in what was happening to me.
My blood rushed through my veins as something painful and poisonous. It felt like I had my blood-system full of glass, just like my whole body was. Alice loved to drive fast. Alice loved to make cars crash. She enjoyed physical pain of herself and others, but even more she enjoyed mental suffering. A sadist of the highest level. She took out each piece of shattered glass one by one as slowly as she was able to. She laughed and kissed each wound after extracting some glass from it. And then...Alice carried me to her wonderland....
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07:14 pm
He roared and knocked her to the ground.
-If my eyes could kill, you'd be six feet under right now, - she said glaring at him with strongest despise available, perfectly knowing how close 'she' was. His growling laugh shook the ground and she instinctively jumped up from the ground and moved closer to the door in this moment of distraction. He was in her way in less than a second.
-You never had a chance, you know, - he was suddenly serious about it. He was longing for the moment when he could feel her fear, but this moment never came. She seemed to be either crazy or extremely suicidal.
-Look at these hands, - he whispered rising his paws, - the instrument of death, that's what it is. I can tear you apart in a moment, just with these. I can do it slowly, if you wish.
His voice turned into a low growl again as he spoke. Reikka stood perfectly still not being frightened for a single moment. Although she knew she 'had' to be, she was avoiding it, letting only rage fill her mind. She hated him, as much as it was possible. There was also pitty and she was content by the fact he could feel what she felt at the moment. And again, she opened her waterblue eyes and stared fearlessly back at him as if she could attack him as viciously as he.
-So close to death and still so naive, - he concluded, - do you still have a hope, little Reikka?
-No, I'm actually winning time here, - she grinned at him, - if you look outside, my dearest friend, you'll see a huge helicopter flying this way.
And she was definitely right. His eyes opened in surprise made her feel better instantly.
-I...I didn't know you could do that...not that far...,-he was allmost talking to himself, mumbling the words weakly. Astonishment never failed until his body was shattered by thousands of huge bullets. Reikka was leaning close to the wall to be out of the way. Her control over the vehicle wasn't 'that' good, she could still hurt herself. In a coupled of moments it was over. The hall was filled with shattered glass and remains of Wolter's torn apart body. Slowly, she stood up and looked around. The fear came and the tears. She gathered all that was left of him and burned the peaces on a metal table, giving his soul a chance to join the spirit world. Even the table had some holes in it.
She will need a new home, most definitely.
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