01 March 2017 @ 06:03 pm
 
elpot, ēst, gulēt un mīlēt citus cilvēkus.

nekas cits nav svarīgi. tā patiešām svarīgi.
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 05:28 pm
 
es dzirdu, kā Ingmārs lejā atved Eiženu, viņi grabinādamies noparko un pieslēdz riteni.
jāiet atvērt durvis.
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01 March 2017 @ 04:09 pm
es un franču režisore  
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01 March 2017 @ 04:06 pm
 
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01 March 2017 @ 02:35 pm
 
Runājot par matu krāsu. Viņdien iebraucu nomazgāt autiņu Statoilī. Pēc ceremonijas automāts laipni atver izejas vārtus, kuru priekšā daiļi stāv noparkota mašīna.

Man ir pavāja iztēle, tāpēc pat nevaru iedomāties, cik epohālam kretīnam ir jābūt, lai tur noparkotos. Pie tam pustukšā laikā, kad apkārt ir hektāriem brīvas vietas, kurās noparkots autiņš netraucē nevienam.

Pēc brīža pie mašīnas parādās divas blondīnes un lietas kļūst nedaudz skaidrākas. Bet meitenes ielien mašīnas aizmugurē, pie stūres novietojas plikpaurains kungs.

No kā mēs varam secināt, ka blondīgums ir lipīgs. Also, es ceru, ka kungu piemeklēs briesmīga slimība.
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 12:37 pm
 
And continuing the started topic. The main question is "How to deal with active BIS more effectively?" I'm starting to get some directions where to go but it's a mess in my head.
Problems: I need solution quickly, ASAP, studies doesn't wait, life neither; rewards doesn't really work, because that's BAS and rarely I can imagine reward so big that it would out weight BIS and even then it's not working to solve the main problem - BIS; planing and making to-do list doesn't work either.

A. Attention and analysis approach. Noticing the pattern and then trying to see where opportunities arise to deal with it. Slow.
B. Notice and do anyway approach. Takes up a lot of strength which I not always have.
c. Ignore and hope for the best. Stupid, works if the thing I need to do is not relevant. Well... not cleaning my room for more than a month... well... I kinda can live with that.
D. Therapy of some kind. Probably. Yes. The one I know... will have to find time in some Thursday evening. No time for the usual one though my psychotherapist has some new interesting tools, don't know if she has time either. Don't know any other good (read - effective) options.
E. Sedona method. Especially part of releasing wanting to do and then letting go of want not to do it. Very soft method, but in my experience effective. I just need to use it more. Found book, need to repeat that stuff. Can't remember if there was any other good stuff from my self-help experience.
F. Visualisation meditation. Right... I used that one quite often. Not sure if it will help in this case in any way, because it's not about dealing with bad experience/bad part in me, but with regulating system which is very needed but works too actively. Hmm... But then there are triggers/reasons for that too... ok. Usable.
G. Destruction. When getting the destruction feeling then BIS kinda steps back. Hard to explain, but that does work! And that's useable in situations when I need it fast. But it's not pleasant though.
H. Trying to manage things that activate BIS. This one is after A approach. I know for sure that is a lot of things and not a single issue. But understanding and trying to deal with hundred and one thing is better than having no clue whatsoever.
I. Habitualizing things I need to do. I despise the idea. I really do. (Too punk rock for admitting that habits are way to go.) But... effectiveness is more important. This could be struggle by itself because I don't like to put myself in any frame/routine/box. But I need to learn to do that too.
J. ...?
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 07:26 pm
 
par šo filmu un sievietēm cietējām es te sūdzējos pirms kāda brītiņa.

http://www.satori.lv/raksts/12659/Alise_Zarina/Sievietes_liktenis
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 12:51 pm
.  
no rīta pieceļos un galvā kaut kas skan. šorīt - the xx. uz pavasari kaut kādi rozā taureņi galvā laikam ieviešas, romaņķika. 
tā viņu jaunieviestā gregoriāniskā gaudošana gan nedaudz kaitina, jo īpaši dziesmā Lips. un lai viņi man piedod, nemaksāšu es par siguldas konci 40 eur, labāk to ielikt opener biļetē.
 
 
Current Music: the xx - say something loving
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 05:45 pm
 
es vienkārši gara acīm redzu visus "telefons izlādējies", "telefons nozagts", "telefonam saplīsa ekrāns", "te nav zonas, bļin" un visus citus jautros scenārijus, kas manas attiecības ar swedbanku pacels jaunā līmenī.
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 10:36 am
 
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 10:21 am
Atkal sapnis  
Dīvaināk un dīvaināk.

Uz kāda gājēju celiņa netālu no meža viena dāma man mācīja aplam dīvainus deju soļus, un tad mūs, kopā ar nejauši garām gājušu izbijušu armijnieku, pārsteidza no meža pēkšņi izskrējusi lāču ģimene, kas mūs drīz vien saplosīja. Par pēdējo faktu es uzzināju, jau jaunā tēlā lasot sava iepriekšējā parsonāža (kā arī dāmas un eks-seržanta) nekrologu, un tad strīdoties (neatceros par ko, vienīgi) ar pensionētu policistu. Viņam bija ierocis, bet man bija taisnība. Neatceros, kā beidzās šī epizode, bet liekas, ka labāk, kā dejas pie lāčiem.
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 10:11 am
jaunieši  
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 08:46 am
putrin  
Man putriņu.
 
 
01 March 2017 @ 01:19 am
 
Radiatori trokšņo tā, it kā no tiem šļāktos ārā ūdens un kāds to pavadītu, sitot pa radiatoriem ar stieni. Tas ir gaiss? Kaut kā pilnīgi bail, jau pirmais gūgles meklējums noveda pie sprāgstošiem apkures katliem.

UPD. Atgaisojām, tas ir, Vilks atgaisoja, pagaidām pieklusuši.

UPD.2. Tagad sāka skaļi trakot apkures katls.
 
 
28 February 2017 @ 08:40 pm
 
I have been using this journal for 10+years to deal with my emotional problems, ponder through them or just dump them here. And... let's keep doing it. :D

I have a problem, I have a really nice explanation for the problem, and I have wow much science name for that too. How cool. And I have no idea how to deal with the problem. No tools, no ideas... And yes, that's why I'm writing here, in hope to have some insight. Actually very effective method in my experience. The idea is quite new too, I need to absorb it more. And there is no better way than trying to express it in words when you can hardly grasp it yourself. Though it makes so much sense and is immediate yes!

For years and years I have asked myself and others why I can't just make myself to do some things even though I really want to. I could not find answer. Others gave me no use answers which didn't really make sense. "You don't want it enough" was quite common. "Just start and then you will go in the flow" was nice but unusable advice because result from that was less than 50%. Ok, depressive moods might made me biased, in those moods the flow really doesn't come. But to be honest... only in those depressive moods I lacked motivation. But when I was ok, when I had high motivation (and I read a lot of shit-help books too to booster it further) I still couldn't do things I wanted. As if something was holding me back. And according to science that is absolutely correct.

There are two systems which regulate what we do. Behavioural activation system and behavioural inhibition system. They are separate, those are not two opposite ends of one scale. Behavioural activation system (BAS) responds to reward, non-punishment and all those goals and "wish for it more" situations. It's the go-getter. People with more active BAS are more responsive to rewards. You have noticed, haven't you, there are those who become happy when they get something and then there are those who are really not so moved about it. Other is behavioural inhibition system (BIS) which responds to threats, punishment and all possible unfavourable outcomes what might come. And then it's all about avoidance. Bingo!

It isn't so that I don't want to do, that I haven't set the goal or reward afterwards. Ok, I could bet I score a bit low on BAS too, so I don't get that pleasant rush of reward, but knowing it I really try to train my brain to get that damned feeling. But the problem is that BIS. (I said I have a nice such science name for it.) I don't know even the fucking reasons, but quite a lot when I need to do something I don't even get thoughts but just this very physiological reaction. Feeling stressed, anxiety, feeling very tense and wanting all but do the particular thing. Just to avoid it is the new goal then. I now will blame BIS for my tendency to be late too, though lately I have it mostly under control, I put a lot of attention to be on time so I don't slip in unconscious patterns. But I do slip from time to time, of course, and then I find myself in situation where I'm terribly late because I... I don't know, it really happens effortlessly. I just avoid doing things for me to be on time IF I don't put enough conscious effort. Ok, some situations are more easy, but more stressful ones - not so much.

So, ok, I have more active BIS. And that is a situation I need to deal with. And I don't know how. :( Too often it feels like fighting with two monsters - situation which stresses me and avoidance, because situation stresses me. More conscious effort, sure, but that's the tactic for the stupid. Work hard not smart. And actually it was very long work to get being on time under control and that is small simple task! Yes, I need solution now. And effective one. I want to do things which I REALLY, REALLY want to do (basically studies), but... heh.
 
 
28 February 2017 @ 10:03 pm
 
Pirmoreiz dzīvē (ar visu savu labo atmiņu) jūtu nepieciešamību izmantot aplikāciju ar nosaukumu "kalendārs".
 
 
28 February 2017 @ 09:56 pm
 
Esmu noskatījusies divas no šā gada oskara nominētajām filmām, kā reiz tās, ar kurām sanāca fakaps uz skatuves. Nevarētu teikt, ka esmu gaužām lielā sajūsmā par La La Land, vai par Moonlight (pēdējā pat laikam ir labāka, bet arī oscar-worthiness es laikam līdz galam neizprotu, varbūt jāskatās vēlreiz). Tāpēc varētu darīt to, kas nav darīts nekad, un noskatīties visas kandidātes.
 
 
28 February 2017 @ 07:49 pm
 
vai ir normāli, ka cilvēks tik ļoti sakreņķējas par skolu/darbu, ka negrib ar tevi runāt? kā man uz to būtu jāreaģē?

agrāk tāds atraidījums ļoti sāpēja. tagad vairs nesaprotu.

UPDATE: oi, tomēr pēkšņi man piezvanīja, lai izrunātos. absolūti šokējošs pavērsiens.
 
 
28 February 2017 @ 07:12 pm
 
mēs "mucinieku" dienas atzīmējam ar kebabiem, tā jau kļuvusi par ģimenes tradīciju.
 
 
28 February 2017 @ 11:47 pm
 
mūsu brīvo laiku aizpilda visādi bukošanas portāli, un reizēm daži revjūzi noved līdz asarām, piemēram, šis:


It's a hotel located to the crowded and party man may street in the center of the old quarter close to hoam kiem lake but our room was pretty quiet and silent compared to the mouse outside.