I have been using this journal for 10+years to deal with my emotional problems, ponder through them or just dump them here. And... let's keep doing it. :D
I have a problem, I have a really nice explanation for the problem, and I have wow much science name for that too. How cool. And I have no idea how to deal with the problem. No tools, no ideas... And yes, that's why I'm writing here, in hope to have some insight. Actually very effective method in my experience. The idea is quite new too, I need to absorb it more. And there is no better way than trying to express it in words when you can hardly grasp it yourself. Though it makes so much sense and is immediate yes!
For years and years I have asked myself and others why I can't just make myself to do some things even though I really want to. I could not find answer. Others gave me no use answers which didn't really make sense. "You don't want it enough" was quite common. "Just start and then you will go in the flow" was nice but unusable advice because result from that was less than 50%. Ok, depressive moods might made me biased, in those moods the flow really doesn't come. But to be honest... only in those depressive moods I lacked motivation. But when I was ok, when I had high motivation (and I read a lot of shit-help books too to booster it further) I still couldn't do things I wanted. As if something was holding me back. And according to science that is absolutely correct.
There are two systems which regulate what we do. Behavioural activation system and behavioural inhibition system. They are separate, those are not two opposite ends of one scale. Behavioural activation system (BAS) responds to reward, non-punishment and all those goals and "wish for it more" situations. It's the go-getter. People with more active BAS are more responsive to rewards. You have noticed, haven't you, there are those who become happy when they get something and then there are those who are really not so moved about it. Other is behavioural inhibition system (BIS) which responds to threats, punishment and all possible unfavourable outcomes what might come. And then it's all about avoidance. Bingo!
It isn't so that I don't want to do, that I haven't set the goal or reward afterwards. Ok, I could bet I score a bit low on BAS too, so I don't get that pleasant rush of reward, but knowing it I really try to train my brain to get that damned feeling. But the problem is that BIS. (I said I have a nice such science name for it.) I don't know even the fucking reasons, but quite a lot when I need to do something I don't even get thoughts but just this very physiological reaction. Feeling stressed, anxiety, feeling very tense and wanting all but do the particular thing. Just to avoid it is the new goal then. I now will blame BIS for my tendency to be late too, though lately I have it mostly under control, I put a lot of attention to be on time so I don't slip in unconscious patterns. But I do slip from time to time, of course, and then I find myself in situation where I'm terribly late because I... I don't know, it really happens effortlessly. I just avoid doing things for me to be on time IF I don't put enough conscious effort. Ok, some situations are more easy, but more stressful ones - not so much.
So, ok, I have more active BIS. And that is a situation I need to deal with. And I don't know how. :( Too often it feels like fighting with two monsters - situation which stresses me and avoidance, because situation stresses me. More conscious effort, sure, but that's the tactic for the stupid. Work hard not smart. And actually it was very long work to get being on time under control and that is small simple task! Yes, I need solution now. And effective one. I want to do things which I REALLY, REALLY want to do (basically studies), but... heh.