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Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.


Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.


In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


Additional Chuck Norris Facts
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.


CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.


Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.


Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.


Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.


Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."


Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"


Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.


Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.


Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.


There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.


Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.


Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.


A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.


When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.


Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)


When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.


Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.


In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".


A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.


Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.


While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.


When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.


Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.


Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.


In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.


Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.


Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.


Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.


Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.


Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.