It's been a long time since I last wondered, if this is how people feel:

• when considering the stability of the state of their mind they're now in
• when standing on the very edge of something and wondering
• just before falling to such a small pieces so they cannot be put together again

'Cause.. I kind of have a 30 minute cycle of them repeating over and over again.

And at the same time it's like being stuck in a very tiny, dark room with no air to suck in, therefore with no ability to scream or even say a single word. And maybe (actually, most probably) there are people in there with me, but I don't see them. It's so pitch black I don't even see myself, nevermind the rest of the world. All I want to do is to crawl into a corner or something and hope that somehow I will cease to exist, or at least no-one (including myself) will ever find me and just assume I'm not there anymore.

Please, just let me not be here.

Tags: atskaite
Current Mood: Black hole, no revelations
Current Music: Mixtape yet to be made

Ir tādi sevis brīdinājumi, kuriem tomēr būtu jāpaklausa, jo ne jau tāpat vien viņi ir izveidojušies in the first place. Jo "varbūt šoreiz tā nebūs" tiešām nestrādā. Ja tā notika pirmās desmit+ reizes, tad tā notiks arī šoreiz un basta!

Tags: brīdinājums
Current Mood: headache
Current Music: dead silence

This day is a perfect reminder Why I Don't Like [Hate, maybe, is a bit too strong] Summers.

• Biju lasīt mellenes. Forši, protams, ka dabūju arī krietnu tiesu zemeņu, bet... Nevieni ķirši neatsver tās kara šausmas, ko man nācās piedzīvot tajā mežā. Katra sekunde bija cīņa par dzīvību. Vai nu viņējo, vai manējo. Un odi salīdzinoši ir tīrie zīdaiņi. Tie mošķi, kas mani gandrīz nogalināja, bija kkādas jokainas mušas. Kaut kāds krustojums starp mušām un bitēm/lapsenēm. Pat pēc vairāk kā 12 stundām "tava mugura izskatās tā, it kā tevi kāds būtu piekāvis". It's a good thing that over many years of practice I've developed my own immunity against scratching those bites.
• Ārā bija pārāk karsts un nebija ko elpot.

It's a good thing it still has some bonuses over winter. [Do not let 2/2 mislead you. Those two points up there [especially the second one] are SO much bigger!]

• Vēlās pēcpusdienās un vakaros var sēdēt uz balkona un lasīt grāmatu.
• Vakaros var iet dauzīties ar suni un pat redzēt pasauli sev apkārt.

And these are just random, totally weird things happening to me today.

• Manas kājas uzvedas tā it kā es neskaitāmas stundas būtu kāpusi pa kāpnēm. Un jau kopš paša rīta. Kā lēnām paralizētos.
• Man pilnīgā mistikā nokrita šķīvis. Divas reizes. Un tad trešajā saplīsa.
• Es atkal redzu visādus gļukus. Kas pilnīgi izgāž manu teoriju par gļuku un negulēšanas saskaņoto darbību. [Tā it kā periodā, kad es guļu, man nepietiktu ar sapņiem.]
• Un pats neforšākais. Mani šodien divas reizes parāva aiz krekla. Uz atpakaļu. Tukšs gaiss. [It's like those 'pushing forward' things all over again.]

Tags: random stuff, report
Current Mood: a bit uneasy
Current Music: Pārāk ātri mainās

Ļoti nepatīk, kad pēc entajiem gadiem atkal parādās tas pats sapnis. Bet šoreiz es izdomāju bandito slepeno plānu, ko pagājušajā reizē neizdarīju. Nepatīk kad tā notiek. Kad zinu, kas man it kā tālāk jādara, bet šoreiz to nedaru. Tad rodas pārāk liela apziņas un līdz ar to kontroles sajūta. Tā it kā sapnis kļūtu par kaut ko vairāk kā tikai garām slīdošu realitāti, kas bija un vairs nav.

Current Mood: cross
Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie

I'm just glad I made it out alive.

Current Mood: New-unint-suic-opt
Current Music: 30StoM - Closer to the Edge

Ideāli. Tikko sabruka puse manas pasaules. Vnk tā. Ar vienu nepareizu kustību.
Un es pat nevaru paraudāt. Nevaru.

Current Mood: F*** OFF
Current Music: %^&*$#@!

Katra cilvēka dzīvē pienāk brīdis, kad pat diennaktīm ilga
* smagā metāla klausīšanās,
* galvas turēšana zem ūdens,
* kartupeļu mizošana,
* stāvēšana sardzē pie BP,
* gulēšana ar austiņām uz ausīm
ir labāka par to, ko tu patiesībā pilnīgi bez rezultātiem dari jau vairāk kā diennakti.

 

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: corrupted Placebo

This, whatever it is, can be salvaged only with some kind of act of God, thank you very much.

--> Borrowed from:

More than this, whatever it is, baby, I hate days like this.

And

Unfortunately for him, the only way her plan is going to work is by some act of God.

Current Mood: even more random
Current Music: Random

Maybe (actually, not 'maybe'; it's quite obvious) all this experiment/new-lifestyle thing is not helping my academic records, but my creative side is definitely thanking may insane one.

And I've started to listen to music I've never listened to. So... maybe they're the same one?

Tags: atskaite
Current Mood: glueish
Current Music: Maroon 5

I actually thought that I could sit in my bed without passing out. As soon as I took my computer and sat down on my bed, I got cought up in this totally messed up 2 hour sleep. I was half-sitting, earphones on, music playing, initially writing a report. [Still writing it.] It all was just so.. so.. on the edge of [and maybe a little beyond] some kind of healthy state of mind. After actually waking up I felt like my brain just got seriously wasted. And I have to live with the hangover.

And my addition to report during this definitely-not-one-time-life-experience-I-can-totally-tell was irreplacable: The word building patterns in this text are various. However, this is besides the point. Suffixes are used more often. Only two prefixes Man up Phrasal verbs from different kinds, needs to have backgrownd to understand. somethgin with shoees.. and being happy is not the main purpose in life. At times short sentences to understand easier. Visp'ar. stupid text, can't figure out how to write at least five pages of this bullshit. nd then.. parallel srtuctures. . you in both. skp// so.. siostmp. stgeri0 [and it continues with several lines of random letter and other symbol combinations. yeay! for me.]

+ I'm seriously starving.

Current Mood: in between
Current Music: Jason Mraz - Lucky

!!
Having the time of my life.
!!

[And I'm starting to think New York is the only city in US. Or the only one where movies happen.]

Current Mood: too much coffee
Current Music: Keane - Somewhere only we know

I can't [maybe don't want to] face it. Any of it.

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
[..]

Current Mood: habitual
Current Music: Sia

Man tikai tagad pieleca, ka tā arī nepienāca tas pasaules gals. Būtu bijušas tik labas beigas..

everything is totally fucked up.

At this point I'm so freakin' exausted I can't even get from my train to University without falling asleep at least once. So basically, I could sleep anywhere anytime. Everywhere, really, but for one time: night. I cannot make myself fall asleep at night. [Well, maybe for an half an hour or something, if it counts.] But at the same time I'm so tired I can't get really upset about getting some stinking marks. I can just hang my head and pretend I'm going to deal with it.

Make a wish when your childhood dies
Hear the 'knock knock knock' when she cries
We're all alone tonight

Current Mood: vērī-not-comprehending
Current Music: My Chemical Romance