THE BLOG - breath

every time I entered the spotlight of streetlights, I felt like inhaling, as if I came into existence. every time I left the light's circle, it was exhaling, death. light and expansion, darkness and contraction. I rode this wave of strange and wondrous mind-chemistry, that made me feel ultimately dual. I did not know how it worked, and so it became magical in my perception; the whole experience suddenly seemed more occult and mystical. light and I inhaled, darkness and I exhaled. being high on air, I suddenly felt a fear gripping me - if I keep on breathing like this, what will happen when I fall asleep and drift away in the darkness; will I die and contract in the coldness? will I stay there, dead until the first rays of morning light when air will finally break into me and I will be able to inhale?

step by step I was moving closer to my goal.

I pushed the buttons on the number-plate at my door until I heard the awful noise, heralding the opening of the lock. I always hated that harsh electric noise, it constantly reminded me of the fear I had from the white noise of TVs; it always reminded me of this irrational weakness, every time I had to come home. I was silently hoping that this involuntary mental exercise would make me stronger or that maybe one day I would become familiar with my fear through repetition, that I would be afraid no longer. climbing up the stairs I knew it was all a lie.

the door to my apartment was slightly ajar. soft girlish laughter and shuffling, mixed with a scent of stale wine and perfume. I felt repelled by this insane combination of smells and sounds. everyone in the apartment jumped in fright as I crossed the threshold. I saw the eyes first; they were huge in surprise. only after countless moments I realized there was a face attached to those eyes and that it was saying something.

- Hi! - the face said. it was the face of Her best friend; the face was jagged, the effect of the sharp shadows under her cheeks.
- Hi... - I replied, feeling how the huge cloud of their perfumes smothered me. they were all dressed to go out.
- You all going somewhere?
- *nervous silence*
- I won't be home tonight - She cried out, kissed me on the lips and rushed out the door, all the girlfriends following Her. for a moment I had the impression that someone just pulled the bath plug; they all trickled out of the apartment and ran down the stairs giggling and shouting something incomprehensible. I locked the door.

I lit a bunch of incense sticks and tried to feel their calming effect for a while. the heaving smell of their "expensive" perfume died away and I felt better. then I started turning off all the lights with shaky hands; I half expected to drop dead when the darkness would finally be all round me. then it happened. the darkness. it tingled in my stomach. and I inhaled.