"Eat light." In fact, eat two meals a day instead of three. Eat "many vegetables" and "raw onion at will." Eat a spoonful of bee pollen every day. Eat herring every day. Don't eat junk food. 

Don't smoke or drink alcohol. Seriously, never "damage your body with liquor." Drink milk every morning. Drink orange juice every day "for the vitamins." Actually, go ahead and drink "moderately." Have "a glass of red wine with meals." You know what, screw it — go ahead and enjoy "cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women."

Be an optimist. "Live calmly and treat other people well." "Look after yourself and always know your limitations." Let things "happen naturally." "Watch out" for your health. Work hard and do everything in moderation. Get educated. Get a good night's sleep. Try to "not have enemies." Lead an "honest life."

Mind your own business. No, really — mind your own damn business. 

It also doesn't hurt to have the Lord on your side. "Just live each day the way the Lord gives it" to you. And if you really want to know the secret to long life, you have to ask him."