| Smieklīgākā amazon review ever | 27. Aug 2017 @ 19:59 |
|---|
|
Review par Veet depilācijas krēmu
Customer Review
A warning from across the pond...
By A. Chappellon July 3, 2012
Format: Health and Beauty
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:) |
| L.Vīgnera pērles. | 10. Jul 2015 @ 08:27 |
|---|
|
Diriģenta zelta frāzes:
- Līdz kaunam atlikuši trīs mēģinājumi!
- Fagoti vēl nav paņēmuši mutē, bet tromboni jau beiguši!
- Cilvēkus, kuri spēlē aplam, jāsēdina cietumā tāpat kā naudas viltotājus!
- Un, ja kāds nospēlēja aplam, pats galvenais - savlaicīgi pārmetoši paraudzīties uz kaimiņu.
- Ja jūs vēlreiz tā nospēlēsiet pirmo ciparu, es jūs visus pēc kārtas nogalināšu, aprakšu, atsēdēšu un pēc tam savākšu jaunu orķestri!
- Es tūdaļ pateikšu jums, kādas te notis, - jūs būsiet ļoti pārsteigti!
- Šostakovičam ir daudz notis un tās visu laiku mainās.
- Nots zem punktiņa norāda, ka ar to kaut kas ir jādara.
- Te jums nav simfoniskais orķestris - pūlī nenoslēpsies, jāspēlē tīri!
- Čigānu jautrību aptumšo neizpildāmas trombonu pasāžas.
- Otrais trombon - es jums novēlu, lai jūsu bērēs tā spēlē!
- Jāspēlē tā, it kā jūs būtu nedaudz iedzēruši un nekur nesteidzaties.
- Izliecieties, ka esat mūziķi, nevis vienkārši stulbeņi ar dzelzs gabaliem!
- "Uz astoņi" - tas ir tas pats temps, tikai divas reizes ātrāk!
- Alti, kur jūs lienat? Un ja vēl kaut kā pieklājīgi, bet te - fa diēzs!
- Sieviešu koris! Dziediet reizē ar savām smadzenēm!
- Alti! Ļaujiet reiz izpausties savam talantam!
- Sakiet lūdzu, jūs tagad tā spēlējat pēc konservatorijas? Es rīt pat došos turp, nožņaugšu rektoru un pieprasīšu, lai jums atņem diplomu!
- Fagot, atvainojiet - ar kuru vietu jūs izdvesāt šīs skaņas?
- Mēģiniet pūst ārā! Man tāds iespaids, ka mūzikas skolā jums nav paskaidrojuši, kāds ir gaisa plūsmas virziens munštukā!
- Par tādu solo es būtu gatavs jūs noskūpstīt, žēl ka sēžat tik tālu! Rīt desmitos no rīta gaidu jūs savā kabinetā!
- Jums, mīlulīt, ir tāda sejas izteiksme, it kā, izņemot čellu, jums kājstarpē nekā cita dzīvē nav bijis!
- Vai jums nav bail nākt uz otro nodaļu? Sakiet paldies, ka konservatoriju apmeklē inteliģence; proletārieši būtu piecēlušies no savām vietām un sadevuši jums pa purnu par tādu spēli!
- Es zinu, ka jūs visi mani ienīstat. Tagad padomājiet, kā pret jums būtu jāizturas man?
- Es izbeidzu jebkādas ceremonijas, un kopš šodienas es sākšu jūs mācīt mīlēt ja ne mani, tad vismaz mūziku!
- Saksofona vietā jums vajadzētu ņemt motorzāģi. Skaņas tās pašas, bet naudas vairāk!
- Kad pārnāksiet mājās, nododiet savai sievai manu līdzjūtību. Kā iespējams gulēt ar tik neritmisku cilvēku?
- Es apsolu jūs iekārtot darbā pazemes pārejā un personiski vienošos ar mentiem un bandītiem, lai tie jūs neaiztiek. Bet par garāmgājējiem es negalvoju.
- Pēc katra šitāda koncerta jums jāiet uz baznīcu un jāizsūdz grēki! Un neaizmirstiet ziedot dievnamam ! |
| Nextjoke.net | 10. Okt 2012 @ 08:24 |
|---|
|
Парочка сидит в баре. ОНА говорит:
- Слушай, я коктейль знаю крутой. Хочешь попробовать?
ОН соглашается, и ОНА заказывает рюмку Bailey`s и рюмку лимонного сока.
- Встаешь на колени, смотришь мне прямо в глаза, вливаешь в рот Bailey`s, и сразу запиваешь соком.
Чувак закрывает глаза, и делает как ОНА сказала.
0,3 секунды - приятное теплое ощущение во рту.
0,6 секунды - сливки в Bailey`sе сворачиваются.
0,9 секунды - ЕГО лицо зеленеет как недозревший лимон и он с трудом проглатывает все ЭТО
1,2 секунды - ЕГО желудок начинает реагировать, и хочет вернуть коктейль обратно.
3,0 секунды - ОНА шепчет ЕМУ на ухо:
- Коктейль называется "Месть за минет" ! |
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
6. Dec 2011 @ 21:28
|
| » Vasaraaaaa |
|---|
5. Aug 2011 @ 11:39
|
| » SummerSound |
|---|
25. Jul 2011 @ 15:21
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
Rebekas Blekas jaunā dziesma bet autotune
http://enkurs.lv/rebbeca-black-bez-auto-tune/
21. Jul 2011 @ 15:59
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
11. Feb 2011 @ 12:36
|
| » Atrasts Feisbukā: |
|---|
"Costing only £85 per year, Ugg Boots are statistically the most reliable and best value female contraceptive."
10. Feb 2011 @ 13:41
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
Auns
Auns - viņš arī ir auns. Vienmēr taisnība un nepiš. Vieglāk uzreiz nosist, nekā sākt ar viņu strīdēties, tāpēc ka Aunu strīdā var pārspēt tikai vienā gadījumā - ja viņš ir bezrocīgs, kurlmēms un bezkāju invalīds (un vienalga ir diezgan liela iespēja, ka viņš šajā gadījumā jums parādīs h&&u).( tālāk )
18. Jan 2011 @ 21:13
|
| » A Little Christmas Story |
|---|
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure..
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
23. Dec 2010 @ 14:35
|
| » Fuck Off Harrods |
|---|
Vairaak info te:
16. Dec 2010 @ 17:02
|
|
|
![[info]](http://klab.lv/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
