runāja zaralustra un reizēm klusēja - 2 0 1 5 . 0 1. 1 9 - n o t e s , s e l f - a n a l y s i s

I love life. I am not fond of war. My newly (relatively) discovered love for games might partially be to blame – in my half-voluntarily involvement into things I really am not fond of.
Wanted to write that I've got trouble of working through the rules of various games. Actually it is the opposite. I tend to probe the situation inside out, until I swim like a fish in it. Rather lazy fish, I must admit. Inpatient. In the current situation (attacked) often insecure (as I'm often driven by cliffs). Preferred course of actions to be played out – quite unpredictable, if one remains in thinking about it as a game, doesn't matter – one likes to dance, with no disrespect to the game. And has strong moral values. Or at least so one believes. Unshakable core in long term. Countless attempts have been made to deface me and my morality [go to hell with your morality! a scream is heard outside, and something ceramic being smashed] Once opponent (if one exists) has become aware of me dancing around a system of cubes (but weirdly, I intuitively dance my way through almost knocking over just a couple of rules (think pillars, marble), opponents (empirical experience shows) have turned hostile and chosen to take me down by brutal force, using combinations of games from outside the agreed rule-set. Really, it's pretty nasty. Especially if happens without a warning and ends with a 1 against 5 (as in - outnumbered), metaphorically hitting me till I fall, sometimes marking their victory with a monkey-business type of personal (based on observations and my still at times very naive trusting in strangers) humiliation. Penetrating my head with things from the rule-sets brought in from outside games, but not presenting them as such. That is to say not identifying that they've defeated you with an unfair advantage. I don't have time to recognize that – first of all I'm a dancer, second I don't want to face the fact that I understand the game in a different way (although it does not stand in the way of playing it, even – playing it with success – that is to say success is nothing unusual), being psychologically hard to face (yes, I have underlying psychological issues that have not been attempted to solve the right way (without allowing myself to dance with them, because of the possibility messing the resolve with (like messing apples with oranges)). And, really, what was the problem, doc?
Secure of course. Regarding the outer world. Most of my issues are personal. And I try not to let them interfere with other peoples comforts. I've always thought that I'm one big pain in the arse for the humanity.

Here we go to the love/hate relationship with oneself. And as has come evident – I am pretty self-destructive. The degree to which my psyche or whatever dresses (legitimizes hurting oneself, rationalizes it) this self-torture/slo-mo murder up is terrifying (in a very virtuous manner, involving a lot more than the obvious). Here must add that it has gotten a lot, lot worse during the last years (5-6 years).
Cause of the dibua (really – a catastrophe, from some viewpoints, certainly). Unprofessional staff around me. Well. Unless they're Gestapo officers.

Thoughts flow and flow. And flow. Well. It all is everywhere. I know you will again try to prove me that you can make me appear wrong in my eyes, using a dirty mind-fuck trick, but sorry, you sure you don't have no dick issues? :D

Returning to the games theme – not being able to learn the games original rule-set (could be a viewpoint from which one sets off to find his way in that game (yes, I tend to see shortcuts, I tend to see links between things that are not there to a regular eye – and miraculously I am often right. The logical capability lag is killing my well-being though. And likely the experience of the game as well. But that being a bad thing is, yes, you could debate about that.
I, for example will mask up that I don't understand something (in cases when I for sure know that trying to understand that is beyond my physical limits), I'll sooner devote my full efforts into working a way around.

Here there is a humane conversation. About how that impacts the game experience overall.
There my narcissism might have laid it's foundations. As I have always knew – it is not a malicious type of narcissism. Rather survival mechanism.
Conclusion? It's a fucked up world. A fucked up world.
Dear God. Dear God. Yeah, doc, I understand that I'm the one who's seriously fucked up. As well.
If I am to put this to some practical use, I'll have to leave my ego and longing for literary satisfaction (a little extra), speaking frank – seeking self-assertion in a process where one tries to work out how to cooperate with ones mind better – not a wise thing to do. Indeed. It's illogical as well. Seeking to approve that with which there (you know for sure) something is wrong (because, it HAS made my existence unnecessarily hard at times). But by inertia still falling back to ignorance or denial – yes the twisted thing that even during this process. Yes, it might show that I have not yet understood to the bone what and why I'm doing here. But being able to keep honest to oneself in these first steps – that's a good sign. I'm proud of myself. :D

I might not know how to wipe my arse one day. But the phenomena is there where I still will be able to make judgments about serious things. With an unshakable confidence in my moral compass. Weird. I'm not guessing.

Tendency to oversaturate things. Fear of going blind comes to mind.
I really hope that my shrink is present here.

That ego-pumping seeking approval of ones unconventional being and understanding of things – I propose that it is due traumatism. And my self confidence having been absolutely destroyed. In terms of – functioning in society. I can live with myself at peace – agree. Problems start where I have to face oh, the huuuumanity. ;D
That, yes, I am resentful to it. That is to say – I see through it pretty well for my age. And it has hurt me really badly. And I've got bright grey hair. Terrible, really.
I don't know if I even should have started. To realize ones helplessness against all this fucked-upness and the regular Joes and Dollies simply not being gifted with enough senses and observational powers to see the railings (mostly I tend to see what is wrong – I am not great at creating (lol, really, contributing to existing foundations, replicating them (BECAUSE THEY'RE F-ING IMPERFECT, and I see the threads. (The absurdity – thing that makes me mad – is the “not being able to connect” the dots about so many things that appear self-evident to my eyes) of this shit we are all spinning in. :D

Yes, there is a large crack between me and the society. But I love it.
See my place in helping to improve it. So people like me should not face those huge gaps/cracks. And the regular Joes and Dollies wouldn't be so stupid. And I (If I could travel back in time, or be born again more likely) would not become as fucked up as I've become (essentially – because of this society being disfunctional/barely functional).

Yes, Purr. What hides the monster underneath his facade? I hope that nothing. Seriously.
Yes, this really is not the best way to live on this planet. I know it, you are almost sure that I'm right. But you don't care much. Because the stream goes on. And it's not that bad after all isn't it? If you're a good gear. It must not be that bad. Although to my eyes, so many people appear useless and dead to me.
No, I do not want to hurt them.

The problem is that this society has taken a wrong turn. Or – is driving drunk. And really – see a bit of myself in there. Care not about it. But here's the difference. I don't care because I am one and you are many (at the same time I care so bad, I would like to scream sometimes), you are many and supposedly functioning properly together as a system of gears (I like the organism comparison better too, but it's a bit too complicated for me at the moment, and possibly sabotages my shining as one smart motherfucker in the end of the paragraph). I lost my plot. Thank you. This was fun. I guess this is the easy part.

Contribution to society. Yes, utterly I feel pretty useless as a gear of the main-frame. I am a man of special talents. And need a special place. And no, I have no aspirations like total world domination.
The only thing that worries me – if I really were to take on helping the world, this society, I had to commit to sacrificing myself completely – at the very start point understanding that I might not see the fruit of my efforts, also it sure is not an easy task.

Here's the masochistic aspect of it (the way I view life and the way I tend to whirl around, in it) again.
Not that I like it. But not that I find anything wrong with this commitment and care about this fucked up :DDD useless :DD society. ;D

Seems that I have calculated that it is the best possible thing I could do, before I die. Here's the trick, the suffering I'd have to bear. Not that I like it. And not that I dislike it.

Here's the problem. It does bug me. Round and round I go. But so voila. That it seems to be valued highly – without deceit or anything else of the sorts.

Unless I am an utterly fucked up individual since I was born. Brrr.

:D That doesn't seem to be logical. Or probable. Or anything.

Yeah, I'm a misfit. But it does not impair my moral judgment. It is hard to explain. The bright gray hair start to sound like a vinyl tune. Well. Again. Phenomena. And now I'll save, close and put on Depeche Mode – Silence. Thank you for your time, gents and ladies. :D

I'm ready to give up on making the world a better place with the condition that the world can make me a better.. place. The trick here is that, knowing myself, it doesn't end. But, I presume, could become easier to bear.

If one wants to help to predict where my Mr. Self-Destruct would emerge next – first thing to do – identifying possible issues I have not mentioned. Because not being aware of them to the necessary degree. Or simply ashamed of them and running against a wall in denial, in the process pretending to dance Moon-walker. ;D I will have to review it myself, yes. Because some of it is written down in a way that only I could understand it [the location and nature of the problem] precisely [cause – broken grammar, short vocabulary]. Yes, that you could read something I have written, but understand something completely else. If else – good. What I meant was – different. ;D

Kind of – developing a technological platform – to be ones aid if one wants to get through his tangled personality. To be used either at home (danger on the way, wiiiiiiuuuu wiiiiiiiuu). Or as an aid while visiting a therapist or a psychologist. That is what I thought of. But did not want to write it down – beacause of fear of the idea really being shit, but me not realizing it because of not being able to see this science/field in a vast enough perspective. Lack of expertise. In depth and mass of knowledge. Being able to oversee, reckognize and foresee patterns.

Apologize about my broken English here and there.