| moving on |
[Oct. 5th, 2013|11:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy go lucky | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | šodien visu dienu skan divstūris | ] |
you get close with people and grow apart.. it's life. it is what happens, eventually you must let go.
and it is so hard to do. at least for me. I keep hanging on to those people, to drag them along. to call them - invite to parties, wish a happy birthday. i keep putting some effort to preserve the illusion of friendship. anyway I'm learning to let go. They obviously are so much better off without me, and to be honest so am I. So just have to do nothing and not feel guilty about that.
and yeah, that other issue, requires some letting practice too. |
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| ziņkārība |
[Sep. 24th, 2013|09:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | skaņas no gaiteņa | ] |
I am not a stalker. man vnk patīk zināt lietas par cilvēkiem un nepatīk neko prasīt. |
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| lost in myself |
[Sep. 20th, 2013|03:46 pm] |
šis man prātā vēl no sestdienas, beidzot tiku līdz pierakstīšanai.
visnotaļ savas dzīves vērošana no malas liek secināt, ka esmu absolūtākais hameleons. varbūt jā - es uzspiežu visiem kkādas savas filmas, grāmatas, idejas, pārliecības un blā blā blā, bet tajā pašā laikā es pamanīju, ka katrā kompānijā - es pieteloju kripatiņu tās sajūtas un emociju, kas ir citiem. ar komunikabliem un atvērtiem cilvēkiem esmu komunikabla un sort of atvērta. ar pieaugušiem, reāliem cilvēkiem - kinda esmu pieaugusi un know it all. ar jautriem, nenopietniem - attiecīgi esmu crazy marry sofija. varu būt all sad un depressed, all about boys, all about school, all about movies..
gan jau [cerams], ka ir cilvēki ar kuriem esmu es pati - tikai diemžēl vairs nezinu, kura no visām sofijām esmu. kkā īstā sofija ir kkur aizgājusi, un es neteiktu, ka man viņas pietrūkst, jo my life is sort of awesome, bet viss šis personīgā viedokļa un rakstura trūkums - padara mani ļoti neizlēmīgu un pašnepārliecinātu. every time i have to make a decision - i turn to confront myself about it, and there's no opinion to fall back on, which [pardon my french] really sucks!
sometimes it's almost like i don't exist. [especially when i'm alone] |
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| *Sleeping in the pool of tears |
[Aug. 31st, 2013|10:17 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | no mood | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | no music | ] |
Kkāds breakdowns, kkādi murgi.
Kkāda simpatiskās NS darbības saasināšanās.
And I have many people I trust, but noone whom I trust enough.
Viss. |
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| this is some serious shit, rapunzel. |
[Aug. 30th, 2013|09:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | gwtw pa tv | ] |
I guess - I wanted to go party more than I thought I did.
vai arī besim ir daudzi citi iemesli. kkāda neizpratne par divām lietām, vainas apziņa, bailes no saviem lēmumiem un vispār dzīves kā tādas.
Mūžīgā cīņa starp instinktu un prātu. ai vsp. i just wanna cry. or plunge into the studies.
Well for now all I will get - is an unlimited amount of young red wine.
un pa tv iet GWTW un es tieši esmu atkal sākusi to lasīt :) Maybe I just need Rhett.. |
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[Aug. 29th, 2013|12:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | heavy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | slipping into the world of silence | ] |
I have a tattoo on my brain. |
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[Aug. 28th, 2013|01:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad music mood | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | script - exit wounds | ] |
I have far too strong emotional ties to far too many non-existent people. |
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| [today] |
[Aug. 17th, 2013|09:13 am] |
some days I don't know the woman who gazes back at me from the mirror. |
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| which one is it today? |
[Aug. 2nd, 2013|05:13 pm] |
sometimes it's hard not to have someone in your life.
but then again sometimes it's ok. |
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| down day |
[Jun. 16th, 2013|04:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | down | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | let her go - passenger | ] |
es pat neteiktu, ka šī ir kārtējā unconditional sadness lēkme. feels like i'm on a verge of nervous breakdown or a panic attack. it's like i'm worried 24/7.. un es nevaru mierīgi runāt with people - i'm getting all angry. un varbūt pie vainas ir the great unknown ar mikro eksāmenu, vai uztraukums par fizio, kurā man ir vsp zudusi ticība, ka es potenciāli viņu nokārtot, vai arī unknown par to, vai es paspēšu dabūt parakstu un zīmogu prakses papīriem, pārtverot prakses vadītāju pa ceļam uz lidostu un vai paspēšu tikt līdz Jelgavai in time, un gribētos zināt, ka viena putnkopības pasniedzēja otrai tomēr laicīgi būs nodevusi pārrakstītās ieskaites vērtējums un lopkopības kursu man ieskaitīs in general. un varbūt daļēji i'm worried about my godfather and his black stripe in life. un varbūt pie vainais ir voice ar visiem tiem cilvēkiem un viņu stāstiem un viņu vecākiem un draugiem - being so proud.. un it's not like i'm jealous - it's just i get really emotional [well a lot of crying is involved. and some people make me cry by their singing. un it's weird the low tolerance i have for real emotions..]
the stupidest thing about all this is - that i start to doubt myself, my decisions, my sense of purpose in this life. and i laugh at how one small failure can discourage me so much, and understanding this and thinking this makes so ashamed, that i go into that place - where i think of myself as a really weak person.. and thinking that leads to thinking - there's no point, i can't do it.
i hate weakness. hate it.
besides i can't remember my parents ever telling me that they are proud of me. i'm not saying - they are not proud, i'm just saying sometimes children need to hear it. [well maybe just vain children like me must hear it] all i hear is disappointment at my failures and no room for failing again. |
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| savā galvā - es slēpjos koju skapī.. |
[May. 25th, 2013|08:54 pm] |
it's the day for sweetened tea.
un es nezinu vai vainīgs ir pilnmēness, progesterons, romantiskās komēdijas vai stress overload. |
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| unconditional sadness |
[May. 16th, 2013|01:51 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | qiet crying | ] |
I never see it coming.. |
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| not the time, not the place |
[May. 1st, 2013|06:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | need a movie | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | no music | ] |
'Ink' tikko papildināja manu iesākto filmu sarakstu. un es joprojām ceru, ka kādreiz tomēr pabeigšu to visu skatīties. [es taču pieveicu Kareņinu.. man gan tas aizņēma 3 mēnešus :D ]
Bet ->
1) Albert Nobbs ~1 hour
2) J. Edgar ~15 min
3) Shadow Dancer ~1 hour
4) Anonymous ~10 min
5) Seven Psychopaths ~40 min
6) Zero Dark Thirty ~10 min
7) Frankenweenie ~20 min
8) Amour ~10 min
9) Corolianus ~15 min
10) Love and Honor ~10 min
11) Take this Waltz ~10 min
12) The Lady ~10 min
13) Life of Pi ~10 min
14) The Loneliest Planet ~15 min
15) Broken City ~10 min
16) Jagten ~15 min
17) Ink ~10 min
bet es ticu, ka katrai filmai vnk ir īstais brīdis, kurā to skatīties. Un šīm tas vēl nav pienācis. |
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| things to do |
[Apr. 12th, 2013|02:00 pm] |
sleep more, drink less
[and less coffee]
vsp jau: es nedzirdu, kā Ance vakaros pārnāk. pamostos - and she's there.. viņa nedzird no rītiem, kā es ceļos un eju prom.
un neviena no mums nedzird manus 5 modinātājus 5:30 - 6:00 :D
we're heavy sleepers.. |
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| true story too |
[Feb. 25th, 2013|11:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ray lamontagne - be here now | ] |
some people do stupid things for a reason.
some people do stupid things for no reason whatsoever. just because they feel like it.
i'm the latter. |
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| viss ir galvā |
[Feb. 24th, 2013|12:46 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | headache | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | pirmsgulētiešanas klusums | ] |
liekais svars. vot skatījos tos 'nosvērtos&laimīgos' un domāju, ka būt smagam ir smagi. īpaši jauniem cilvēkiem. it sucks. it īpaši veidojot personīgo dzīvi. viņi kinda ir vientuļi. bet tad atkal - es tā iedomājos, svertu es tos 10 kg mazāk -> es šaubos, ka manā personīgajā dzīvē kkas mainītos. varbūt kkāds pirmais iespaids.. bet rezultāts still būtu the same. |
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| arī šī diena ir dzīvošanas vērta |
[Feb. 20th, 2013|01:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | apsmadzeņošana | ] |
izvēloties starp 'always alone' un 'never alone' - šodien tiku vnk ieluminiscēta.. bet varbūt netiku, jo vairs īsti neatceros kādi argumenti un versijas mums bija.. bet normālā ādas mikroflora diezvai ietilpa kādā no tiem, vismaz ne tik elegantos izteiksmes vilcienos.. |
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| remarc' |
[Jan. 18th, 2013|12:41 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | slīping tāim | ] |
the universe is giving me way too many signs.
[but it all depends on how I interpret them] |
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| loading... loading... loading.. ERROR! ERROR! |
[Jan. 15th, 2013|03:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | emotional | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | visi elpo + tukšs gaitenis | ] |
brīvdienās saelpojos par daudz skābekļa - tam bija vnk kreizī efekts uz manām smadzenēm, puskojas domā, ka esmu nojūgusies. well - ance is afraid of me.
best party theme idea ever - ir urlas. vnk next party i'll make - visi ierodas trenūzenēs un v alkogoličkah [ili kak govorjat v nashe vremja - bilankaj].
domājams. man būs dīvains sapnis šonakt. just talked to ance for 2 hours un all my thoughts are in a big bundle of memories hurtful and pleasant, fresh and old. people here and people long gone will visit me tonight. |
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[Jan. 7th, 2013|03:59 pm] |
šodien somu veikalā redzēju somus. |
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