| another late-hour story |
[Sep. 1st, 2010|04:25 am] |
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doing everything right simply isn’t.. right
It was Jennifer’s 53rd birthday when a despondent idea entered her head. It was as if somebody had incepted it into her mind, she simply couldn’t stop thinking about it. The idea was very simple: her life was empty and she had wasted fifty years for nothing.
Her daughter had come for a visit and was now helping her in the kitchen. She was telling something that happened to a friend of a friend’s friend or someone like that, but Jennifer wasn’t listening, she felt her daughter growing older – Anne had never shared any news with such enthusiasm, but today she was blubbering on and on like Jennifer’s mother used to do and it was getting on her nerves. Anne was a woman in her early thirties, but she looked tired of routine – she had feeble goose paws appearing at her eye corners. She was married and had three lively kids, who were now demolishing Jennifer’s garden. Jennifer suddenly realized that her daughter was a grown woman with a life settled. And what did it make Jennifer? She didn’t feel old, she might even feel younger than her daughter, but birthdays always make you think of age. And it had never occurred to Jennifer that more than half of her life has passed, unless she wasn’t one of those remarkably long living people, which was unlikely. She had lost fifty years of her life doing things everybody expected her to do..
Jennifer met her future husband, when she was 18 years old. He was 7 years older than her but neither of the young lovers felt it. He was a promising young and dashing lawyer, she studied literature. After a year of gallant courting they got married, after another she gave him a child – a son as a model wife should. Then it was Anne’s turn. Jennifer stayed at home, never graduating from university. She cared for children kept the house clean. In no time school started and she went to parent meetings and arranged tutors. On the outside they were the perfect family – but the passionate love had vanished, Jennifer knew Will was having a mistress and not the first one, but again as a perfect wife she never made him suspect that she knew, she made no scenes, no scandals. They just continued to coexist. She found herself a job as an assistant doing a preliminary course beforehand. Her job was absolutely boring, but she didn’t complain and went on fulfilling her duties with a commendable minuteness, which was exactly a good person had to do. And Jennifer was a good person, but today on her 53rd birthday she felt as if everything she had ever done was wrong..
- Mum? Mu-um!?
- Yeah, sweety.
- Were listening at all?
- Of course I was, darling, I just must have dosed off.
- Well, I was telling you about Sam's wife. You know Sam don’t you?
- Yes, I do.
- Well his wife Sally told me just yesterday...
It was impossible! How did her sweet little girl turn into this parody of an old lady. Thank God, she wasn’t talking heart attacks and diabetes! Jennifer didn’t know who was coming to her party tonight, she didn’t want to know. The only real friend she had ever had was living in China now, and the was no way she would be there this night. All at once Jennifer felt lonely and empty – all her struggles and efforts to reach perfection didn’t do her any good. But how was that possible, that by doing the right thing and the right thing only for 50 years of her life all she had achieved was a big and sad WRONG? She saw it now so clearly it was all around her written in capital letters – windows were wrong, cupboards were wrong, sink was wrong, in fact the kitchen itself was wrong. This wasn’t Jennifer’s kitchen it was too clean, too tidy. She stood up and went out on the porch, putting on nothing but her husbands old jacket, though it had started to drizzle outside. It was weird wearing men clothes, she had never done that, not even had she ever put on a man’s bathrobe or a shirt after some crazy hot sex, she was the right girl, now she didn’t mind appearing ridiculous. She put her hands into the pockets and found a half-empty pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She had never smoked too, not even tried – so she lit a cigarette on her second attempt and went out into the rain. Rain was cool and smelled of autumn, she liked it. Yesterday she wouldn’t be so careless, but would have worried about catching a cold or getting pneumonia and dying. She felt absolutely no worries now, in fact, she felt better than she had in years and she started to laugh, she laughed and laughed and couldn’t stop herself – it was just so funny how it took so few wrong things to make everything right! |
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