my head is so confusing. i rush and tumble into thoughts that speed faster than reality, and end up dreaming up things that couldn't ever lead up to be. what's worse is that i see my dreams hold on a single brittle thread that i can't help but break. everything is impossible. i break my belief every time only because i know it would happen later on it's own accord. brr. it's so hard living being.. me! my mind is so twisted and WORNG.
and then, and THEN i realize i have forced myself into a shell that doesn't belong. i have done my best to make myself "correct" : i try so hard doing everything that's asked of me (and probably many things that aren't even asked directly), that i forget myself. whatever that is left true is dissolving... every belief that i have held crumbles into dust, or else it's crushed by strange hands. oh how i hate the difficulties of simply being! if only there was something i knew that wouldn't take constant effort on every corner, each step i take. there must be something that comes easy.. truly.. otherwise i find my self spending countless hours staring emptily into the screen, waiting for something to happen. i just HATE myself! why can't i achieve all i desire? WHY can't i stop waisting time and start being all i've always been told i must be?? It's so difficult being reliable, self-confident, witty, smart, reserved, tidy, balanced and all that SHIT that my parents try to make of me. they'll never, ever understand how hard it has been bending myself. only because i had to.

so where does all the self-loathing come from? my upbringing, of course. i'm NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

and then all the people laugh at my tears and lack of confidence. oh sabine, why don't you believe in yourself? PERHAPS IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD I AM NOTHING? my mother just loves making me paranoid, telling me what's going to happen if i continue my life being me.




i've been so alone all along.