Total low point today.

Vakar R sāka purpināt, ka mums vispār nav social life un ka mūsu dzīve basically (kā man tas izklausījās) ir sūds uz kociņa. Which massively triggered me, jo es zinu, ka jā mr. shankly I do fail at everything all the time, and I am not a real human, which I already told you many times, so why the surprise.

Like, I feel like, no matter how hard I try everything just keeps going to shit.

Mums gandrīz vispār nav naudas, S visu laiku slimo, mums nav draugu, ģimene mūs ienīst, māja vienmēr ir nekārtīģa un auksta, es pazaudēju pārvācoties visas savas gadiem krātās Xmas decorations, man vispār nekam vairs nav enerģijas un es jūtos kā vraks vai karkass, jā, mani bosi visu laiku pārmet, ka es ņemu brīvas dienas dēļ S, like.. where do I stop, it just keeps on giving.

How do other people have wholesome lifes that is not a pile of dirty dishes and another pile of dirty clothes? I feel like such a massive and terrible failure. Es vienmēr gribu visus iepriecināt un mīlēt, but looks like I am doing the concise opposite. R manī ir vīlies, I constantly fail S as he is always sick, my bosses hate me, I don't have any friends, so I clearly fail there through the years, my family hates me, I hate me, so what the heck am I supposed to do.

While other women have clean kitchens in pastel color paint, and always a tumble dryer.

I feel like my only choices is to give up and enter even deeper chaos, or not give up, but constantly be in milder chaos that is still terrible.

I am trying to view my blessings and thank God constantly, for things not being dramatically more chaotic, but then why do I feel so shitty and cannot be happy for what I have.

I just never thought I would be so terrible and horrible at life and reltionship and beign a mom. I thought that I have the ethos and gumption to make things happen and a little bit of magical slight of hand. Bet pārējie cilvēki, kas manās acīs vienmēr ir bijuši much more basic and uncaring are actually the real people who have real homes without sadness and dirty piles.

And even now, instead of washing up and tidying, I choose to cry on the sofa and complain. I feel like i don't but that I also do deserve all the bad things that keep happening. So it ends up being a strange but inevitable self fullfilling samsara prophecy, where I shall not be happy because it doesn't really make sense if I trully look at the mirror.