I guess he just wants to be..
I guess he just wants to be at the racetrack, somehow, just to be there. It means something to him even if he continues to lose. Itīs a place to be. A mad dream. But itīs boring there. Agroggy place. Everybody thinking that they alone know the angle. Dumb lost egos. Iīm one of those. Only itīs a hobby for me. I think. I hope. But there is something there, if only in a short time frame, very short, a flash, like when my horse is in the run and then it does it. I see it happening. There is a high, a lift. Life becomes almost sensible when the horses do your bidding. But the spaces in between are very flat. People standing about. Most of them losers. They begin to look dry as dust. They are sucked dry. Yet, you know, when I force myself to stay home I begin to feel very listless, sick, useless. Itīs strange. The nights are always all right, I type at night. But the days have to gotten rid of. Iīm sick too in a way. I am not facing reality. But who the hell wants to?