Thursday, February 20th, 2020

Time	Event
8:22p	experiment l'oiseau it is quite general knowledge to most people i know that at my best i am quite spontaneous and love to do things and make plans randomly. this is why sometimes when everything feels dull here in reading, i go for walks without any previous planning (as in, one second i am sitting in front of my computer and the next i am putting my coat on). i wish i would go for walks during the night more often, but the truth is i usually am in that weird half tired/half awake state and cannot be bothered to get up and actually leave the house. also i almost always find some real excuse for me to go for a walk (such as - have to return this book at the library, have to buy some milk etc), because i somehow always feel at least a tiny bit guilty if i go outside without any real purpose. another reason i like walks so much is because then i can listen to music guilt-free, because if i am in my room jamming to something, inevitably i am not getting any work done, BUT, if i am outside and walking, obviously i can't work, do you see my point here? actually the reason i wanted to make this post was to say that i have spontaneously decided to quit all social media for 24 hours (including whatsapp, which meant i had to inform my mum about this, otherwise she would freak out when i wouldn't reply). i just suddenly realized that i have been on my phone scrolling through the same 4 apps for days now, when i should have been studying. i am somewhat curious to see how my mind will react and what i will inevitably end up doing (even though it's going to be my choice obviously, it still feels almost like someone else will make it, that someone else being my suddenly not-constantly-overstimulated mind). for the time being, i plan on going for a semi-late walk with the main objective being obtaining a monster energy drink/s and some snacks maybe. will report how these next 24 hours pass sometime soon. Current Mood: curious Current Music: superstition by stevie wonder (Comment on this)
11:01p	frustration l'oiseau my whole life i have been sharing what's on my mind with friends and family. i have never been silent about my struggles and problems, yet i always feel like it's never enough. no matter how much i talk, there's always more. hence this blog. and twitter as well, and sometimes even facebook. i just feel like there's so many things in my head and i have to get them out somewhere. i wonder if i am just an oversharer? like, why can't i just shut up and keep at least some stuff to myself? i just want to share, share, share. although i have to say, i have no problems with listening to others, in fact, i am quite keen on what they have to say and what is going on in their lives, it's just that i also have so much to share that some of it ends up on here and other platforms, sometimes because i don't want to bother anyone. i know i am generally not a burden, but i also know it can get exhausting listening to someone's thoughts and problems all the time. yesterday i went to a lecture about shearwaters (a type of sea bird), and it was just so fascinating. it makes me so sad that i have so many interests i would like to pursue - philosophy, psychology, mythology, theatre, literature, linguistics, cinema, languages, culture studies, i also quite like animals and thus, zoology, space is very cool as well (astronomy), and this isn't even the end of the list-, yet i cannot even make myself focus on one of them. i am going through a mild/moderate depressive episode again (i think), meaning i can't find joy in anything and can't make myself do things i usually enjoy. this life is already too short to do everything we want, and yet here i am, unable to do anything useful. god, i hate depression. i know it will get better in a bit, but when you're actually experiencing a low point, it feels like you just won't be able to get out of it. the worst one lately was about a month ago, when i started to consider dropping out of uni. thankfully i got my shit together, and it's not that bad now, but i just don't know. i feel myself wanting to isolate from everyone completely (which usually happens when i am already feeling quite lonely). i haven't spoken to anyone in real life in almost a week (i do call my family and friends every day), and honestly i just wish it could stay like this. i am enjoying the solitude too much. i know it's not healthy for me in the long run, because i will inevitably want to enter hermit mode and not see or speak to anyone at all. have to find some sort of balance. haven't seen either of the two crushes i have in about two weeks, and it's the same thing as usual - the longer i don't see someone i have a crush on, the less i care about them. oh, but it will all come crushing down when i will inevitably see them next week or the week after that. fun times. Current Mood: numb Current Music: lovin' you by minnie riperton (Comment on this)

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