koi's Journal

quick thought
l'oiseau

can't get something my mum said out of my head. it was actually a while ago, in the beginning of january, when i came back to reading after being home for almost a month and had a massive relapse and breakdown. my mum said she wanted me to fulfill my dream of studying abroad and studying something i love (languages), so she said if i am feeling so low i should just drop out and come back to latvia and study there (since i was feeling so depressed here). with bitter irony i told her that i will not be truly happy anywhere. i think it is something she will never fully understand. i have depression and anxiety. whilst i do feel more or less fine most of the time, i do get relapses which make me feel horrible and like everything is worthless and there is no point in going on. but it is not determined by where i am studying. if i came home, i would still get relapses, just in latvia. i would still be depressed and anxious, just home. it does not matter where i am. i will never be permanently happy, in fact, how could anyone be? she does not understand that it is not this place causing my relapses. it is everything and nothing. this is my life. you cannot cure depression and anxiety, you can just lessen the symptoms. there is no protection against the next breakdown. you can just know it will come and you will get through it. and then the next one will inevitably come, but it is okay. you will come out a little bit stronger each time. you will learn to cope better with each year. i will have depression no matter what i study, or where, with friends and family around me or without them, with a partner or without. that is my life. and i know it, and i am fine with it. yet she does not fully understand, and i doubt she ever will. hell, she thinks i am just lazy. lazy... you think losing all passion in life, even in the things you love, is you being lazy? fucking hell, it makes me want to laugh, really, it is so absurd. can't she see it comes together with like, 5 other symptoms? to name a few of them - insomnia/constant fatigue, being easily irritated, fucked diet, loneliness but at the same time wanting to isolate self from everyone. and she has the audacity to just call me lazy and say that i do not care about anything and i am just wasting the money she is paying so that i could be here... mum, you realize that i hate myself for being like this, don't you? you realize that i know how absurd this is? but i cannot break out of it. this relapse is smaller though, thank god. just... i wish she could understand.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: lost on you by lp