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[Dec. 31st, 2009|01:59 pm] |
What is it with hairdressers and CIA mind-control conspiracy theories? Every beauty shop I walk past, they're putting tinfoil in their customers' hair.
Instead of worrying about disease-resistant crops or curing cancer in mice, I think those genetic scientists should find a way to engineer a cow with a spigot, to make it easier to milk.
Santa came *this* close to getting my Christmas wish exactly right! There I was at the Playboy Mansion, hangin' at the grotto with a bunch of naked primates.
The experts say we have to face our fears in order to conquer them. I was terrified of fire, clowns and heights, so naturally I lit a clown on fire and hurled him off a 20-story building. The experts were right -- it worked! Problem is I have a new fear now: psychotic cellmates.
The Top Scenes in a Military Sit-Com
- A soldier, a sailor, an airman and a Marine get together in a show about nothing. - Sgt. Bilko III, due to redeploy to Iraq, hatches a scheme to go there ahead of time on his own, then convince Command that his orders are *obviously* inverted, since he's already there*. - Hard-drinking Army barflies hang out at an NCO Club where everybody knows your name. - Corporal Sedley delivers papers to a visiting general who turns out to look exactly like him. Hilarity ensues. - An alien from the planet Ork comes to live with a beautiful Air Force captain at Area 51, causing good-natured mischief and mirth. - Seventy thousand troops stranded in Iraqestan during a three month invasion attempt to return home. President Gilligan messes up the exit plan again. - Sergeant Fife of the M.P.s has to requisition a second bullet from Quartermaster Corps, but Commander Taylor won't sign off on it.
The Top Signs Your Tattoo Artist Is Mad at You
- When you asked for a "Bad Ass" tattoo this isn't what you meant. - Says that increasing gas costs will make your Corvette tattoo more expensive. - You're sure that your partner's name was "Brad," not "Brat". - Your Bible verse tat ends with, "she said you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." - Should have been: "Live, Laugh, Love" but ends up as, "Give Rash, Glove your Love." - Tattooed "I Love Fat Girls" on your back instead of "Born To Run." - The teddy bears were supposed to be dancing around your ankle, not humping it. - You asked for "something sexy" and you got a picture of his dad. - While this is your first tat, you are pretty sure they don't usually use a nail gun. - Instead of the customary butterfly you asked for, you got a rabid bat. - You are pretty sure urine is not used as a coloring agent. - "I Love My MOO" - Spit-shines the needle. - Hey, you *asked* for a woody wood pecker. - When you look close at the mermaid on your arm, you notice that she's giving you the finger. - You asked for the Chinese symbol for "Peace." Instead, he gave you "Gay and single." - Underneath your big "USMC" there's a tiny "reject who likes seamen."
The Top Signs Santa Was Just Phoning It In This Year
- You get a postcard from Ft. Lauderdale of Santa lifting his Merry Christmas, Beyotches!" T-shirt to flash his moobs. - Just mumbles, "Ho, etc." - "Herbie the elf" from the "North Pole" who just called you to wish you a Merry Krishnas had a distinct Bengali accent. - This year's sole gift to everyone: an invitation to be Santa's Facebook friend. - No "naughty" or "nice" lists; just one "meh" list.
The Top Eco-Friendly Ways to Commute
- Coast downhill with the rest of the project. - Why commute, when you can outsource all your jobs and run the company from home! - Take the smaller turboprop Beechcraft instead of the Learjet. (Hollywood ecology activists only.) - Bumper sticker: "Powered by hot air from Board of Directors meetings." - Telecommute to your job at Wal-Mart. - Draft your Prius behind a Hummer.
The Top Xtreme Ways to Celebrate the Holiday Season
- Same as every year: smoke a few bowls using your classic '71 fruitcake bong - Birthday cake for Jesus with 2000+ candles - Self-administered manger scene forehead tattoo using only dyed egg nog and pine needles - Pinching out the Menorah flames, one buttcheek-clench at a time - Human mistletoe: 1) Hang upside down; 2) Attach real missiles to your toes; 3) Kiss your ass goodbye!
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