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Dec. 31st, 2009|01:59 pm |
What is it with hairdressers and CIA mind-control conspiracy theories? Every beauty shop I walk past, they're putting tinfoil in their customers' hair.
Instead of worrying about disease-resistant crops or curing cancer in mice, I think those genetic scientists should find a way to engineer a cow with a spigot, to make it easier to milk.
Santa came *this* close to getting my Christmas wish exactly right! There I was at the Playboy Mansion, hangin' at the grotto with a bunch of naked primates.
The experts say we have to face our fears in order to conquer them. I was terrified of fire, clowns and heights, so naturally I lit a clown on fire and hurled him off a 20-story building. The experts were right -- it worked! Problem is I have a new fear now: psychotic cellmates.
The Top Scenes in a Military Sit-Com
- A soldier, a sailor, an airman and a Marine get together in a show about nothing.
- Sgt. Bilko III, due to redeploy to Iraq, hatches a scheme to go there ahead of time on his own, then convince Command that his orders are *obviously* inverted, since he's already there*.
- Hard-drinking Army barflies hang out at an NCO Club where everybody knows your name.
- Corporal Sedley delivers papers to a visiting general who turns out to look exactly like him. Hilarity ensues.
- An alien from the planet Ork comes to live with a beautiful Air Force captain at Area 51, causing good-natured mischief and mirth.
- Seventy thousand troops stranded in Iraqestan during a three month invasion attempt to return home. President Gilligan messes up the exit plan again.
- Sergeant Fife of the M.P.s has to requisition a second bullet from Quartermaster Corps, but Commander Taylor won't sign off on it.
The Top Signs Your Tattoo Artist Is Mad at You
- When you asked for a "Bad Ass" tattoo this isn't what you meant.
- Says that increasing gas costs will make your Corvette tattoo more expensive.
- You're sure that your partner's name was "Brad," not "Brat".
- Your Bible verse tat ends with, "she said you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."
- Should have been: "Live, Laugh, Love" but ends up as, "Give Rash, Glove your Love."
- Tattooed "I Love Fat Girls" on your back instead of "Born To Run."
- The teddy bears were supposed to be dancing around your ankle, not humping it.
- You asked for "something sexy" and you got a picture of his dad.
- While this is your first tat, you are pretty sure they don't usually use a nail gun.
- Instead of the customary butterfly you asked for, you got a rabid bat.
- You are pretty sure urine is not used as a coloring agent.
- "I Love My MOO"
- Spit-shines the needle.
- Hey, you *asked* for a woody wood pecker.
- When you look close at the mermaid on your arm, you notice that she's giving you the finger.
- You asked for the Chinese symbol for "Peace." Instead, he gave you "Gay and single."
- Underneath your big "USMC" there's a tiny "reject who likes seamen."
The Top Signs Santa Was Just Phoning It In This Year
- You get a postcard from Ft. Lauderdale of Santa lifting his Merry Christmas, Beyotches!" T-shirt to flash his moobs.
- Just mumbles, "Ho, etc."
- "Herbie the elf" from the "North Pole" who just called you to wish you a Merry Krishnas had a distinct Bengali accent.
- This year's sole gift to everyone: an invitation to be Santa's Facebook friend.
- No "naughty" or "nice" lists; just one "meh" list.
The Top Eco-Friendly Ways to Commute
- Coast downhill with the rest of the project.
- Why commute, when you can outsource all your jobs and run the company from home!
- Take the smaller turboprop Beechcraft instead of the Learjet. (Hollywood ecology activists only.)
- Bumper sticker: "Powered by hot air from Board of Directors meetings."
- Telecommute to your job at Wal-Mart.
- Draft your Prius behind a Hummer.
The Top Xtreme Ways to Celebrate the Holiday Season
- Same as every year: smoke a few bowls using your classic '71 fruitcake bong
- Birthday cake for Jesus with 2000+ candles
- Self-administered manger scene forehead tattoo using only dyed egg nog and pine needles
- Pinching out the Menorah flames, one buttcheek-clench at a time
- Human mistletoe: 1) Hang upside down; 2) Attach real missiles to your toes; 3) Kiss your ass goodbye!
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