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[Dec. 30th, 2008|11:04 am] |
Always be wary of someone who brings a spoon to a knife fight. That means they're either crazy or really good at killing people with spoons, both of which you usually want to avoid. John Gephart
The Top 9 Not-So-Worthy Engineering Projects
- Spray-on nipple flattener. - World's largest bikini. - Environmentally friendly condoms that dissolve in salty water. - Rust-resistant lumber. - Steam-powered particle accelerator. - Stealth headlights. - World's fastest clock.
The Top Things to Do with a Dead Elf (Part II)
- A little shellac and voila! Homemade lawn gnomes. - Make an example of him by nailing him to the front wall of the toy factory. Think of it as motivation for a certain team of doll makers who are way behind schedule this year. - Send Will Ferrell a message he can't refuse. - Great chew toy for Rex. - Sex toy for that creepy Travelocity Gnome. - Finally, a new buddy who wont steal your girlfriends, drink all your beer and bonus -- you can beat him at Wii bowling! - Freeze 'em and toss 'em in the wood chipper for festive glitter for the Christmas tree.
The Top Disadvantages to Having Your Eye Replaced with a Webcam
- Your extremely boring life can now be recorded for future bore and humiliation. - Installing new drivers is very painful. - You can record your *entire life*! Wait, YOU won't be in any of the video. - Website? Websight? Now we're all confused. - Once hooked up to the bionic laser cannon, you'll be unstoppable, mwuh, ha, ha, ha, haaaaaaaa. - After it's in, you discover that the newest Windows viewer software is backwards-incompatible with your legacy brain. - The infinite loop resulting from you looking with your cam-eye at the image your cam-eye sees, displayed on your screen.
The Top 8 Differences Between Nerds and Non-Nerds
- Non-nerds pray to God to make a girl for them to love. Nerds go into the lab and make one themselves. - Non-nerds give their kids names like Tiffany and Wolfgang. Nerds give their kids names like Torvalds and Babbage. - Non-nerds play World of Warcraft. Nerds live in World of Warcraft. - Non-nerds buy iPhones. Nerds build their own iPhones out of an old Palm Pilot, scavenged parts from a cable converter box and a Fisher-Price camcorder. - Non-nerds know Kirk, Spock, and Scotty. Nerds can tell the difference between Alice #118 and Alice #377. - Non-nerds spay their pets. Nerds copy-protect their familiars. - Non-nerds make online purchases with credit cards. Nerds make online purchases with non-nerds' credit cards. - Non-nerds compliment women on their shoes. Nerds compliment women on their carbon footprint.
The Top Pickup Lines Used by Robots
- "Is that a mirror in your anodized Titanium exterior plating? Because I can see myself in your service port." - "Hey, baby, ever do it AIBO style?" - "If I could rearrange the binary system for you, I'd put... um... well, I guess '1' would have to come before '0.'" - "Baby, with this new hybrid engine, I can run all night with just half the gas." - "Hi. Do you come around here oft--" robot.exe has caused a General Protection Fault in module (Microsoft robots only) - "Do you have Intel inside? No? Would you like to?" - "If I said you had a bootable body would you bolt it against me?" - "That thin-wall exoskeleton with electromechanical motor- driven actuating mechanism sure looks good on you. But it would look even better in a crumpled heap beside my regeneration alcove." - "I love a girl with nuts." - "Should I send you an encrypted wireless transmission for breakfast or manually initiate your boot-up sequence?" - "Hi, I'm Robbie. Are those real? [Dammit! I'm such an idiot. Of *course* they're not real. What a loser!]" - "Must... destroy... Canada!" - "... then I guess a lube job is out of the question?" - "And here's the little-known fourth law of robotics: It's my duty to please that booty!" - "Honey, prepare to be rack mounted!" - "Domo fellatio, Mistress Roboto?"
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