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Dec. 30th, 2008|11:04 am |
Always be wary of someone who brings a spoon to a knife fight. That means they're either crazy or really good at killing people with spoons, both of which you usually want to avoid.
John Gephart
The Top 9 Not-So-Worthy Engineering Projects
- Spray-on nipple flattener.
- World's largest bikini.
- Environmentally friendly condoms that dissolve in salty water.
- Rust-resistant lumber.
- Steam-powered particle accelerator.
- Stealth headlights.
- World's fastest clock.
The Top Things to Do with a Dead Elf (Part II)
- A little shellac and voila! Homemade lawn gnomes.
- Make an example of him by nailing him to the front wall of the toy factory. Think of it as motivation for a certain team of doll makers who are way behind schedule this year.
- Send Will Ferrell a message he can't refuse.
- Great chew toy for Rex.
- Sex toy for that creepy Travelocity Gnome.
- Finally, a new buddy who wont steal your girlfriends, drink all your beer and bonus -- you can beat him at Wii bowling!
- Freeze 'em and toss 'em in the wood chipper for festive glitter for the Christmas tree.
The Top Disadvantages to Having Your Eye Replaced with a Webcam
- Your extremely boring life can now be recorded for future bore and humiliation.
- Installing new drivers is very painful.
- You can record your *entire life*! Wait, YOU won't be in any of the video.
- Website? Websight? Now we're all confused.
- Once hooked up to the bionic laser cannon, you'll be unstoppable, mwuh, ha, ha, ha, haaaaaaaa.
- After it's in, you discover that the newest Windows viewer software is backwards-incompatible with your legacy brain.
- The infinite loop resulting from you looking with your cam-eye at the image your cam-eye sees, displayed on your screen.
The Top 8 Differences Between Nerds and Non-Nerds
- Non-nerds pray to God to make a girl for them to love.
Nerds go into the lab and make one themselves.
- Non-nerds give their kids names like Tiffany and Wolfgang.
Nerds give their kids names like Torvalds and Babbage.
- Non-nerds play World of Warcraft.
Nerds live in World of Warcraft.
- Non-nerds buy iPhones.
Nerds build their own iPhones out of an old Palm Pilot, scavenged parts from a cable converter box and a Fisher-Price camcorder.
- Non-nerds know Kirk, Spock, and Scotty.
Nerds can tell the difference between Alice #118 and Alice #377.
- Non-nerds spay their pets.
Nerds copy-protect their familiars.
- Non-nerds make online purchases with credit cards.
Nerds make online purchases with non-nerds' credit cards.
- Non-nerds compliment women on their shoes.
Nerds compliment women on their carbon footprint.
The Top Pickup Lines Used by Robots
- "Is that a mirror in your anodized Titanium exterior plating? Because I can see myself in your service port."
- "Hey, baby, ever do it AIBO style?"
- "If I could rearrange the binary system for you, I'd put... um... well, I guess '1' would have to come before '0.'"
- "Baby, with this new hybrid engine, I can run all night with just half the gas."
- "Hi. Do you come around here oft--" robot.exe has caused a General Protection Fault in module (Microsoft robots only)
- "Do you have Intel inside? No? Would you like to?"
- "If I said you had a bootable body would you bolt it against me?"
- "That thin-wall exoskeleton with electromechanical motor- driven actuating mechanism sure looks good on you. But it would look even better in a crumpled heap beside my regeneration alcove."
- "I love a girl with nuts."
- "Should I send you an encrypted wireless transmission for breakfast or manually initiate your boot-up sequence?"
- "Hi, I'm Robbie. Are those real? [Dammit! I'm such an idiot. Of *course* they're not real. What a loser!]"
- "Must... destroy... Canada!"
- "... then I guess a lube job is out of the question?"
- "And here's the little-known fourth law of robotics: It's my duty to please that booty!"
- "Honey, prepare to be rack mounted!"
- "Domo fellatio, Mistress Roboto?"
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