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[Dec. 5th, 2008|07:41 pm] |
The Top Signs the Santa at the Mall Is Nuts
- Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz." - Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle. - Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard. - Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers. - After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?" - The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication. - Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!" - Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing. - Caught drinking red wine with fish during break. - "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!" - Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair. - Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots. - That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair. - Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!" - Enjoys it so much when small children urinate on his lap, he happily returns the favor. - Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie. - While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
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