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Dec. 5th, 2008|07:41 pm |
The Top Signs the Santa at the Mall Is Nuts
- Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
- Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
- Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
- Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
- After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
- The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
- Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
- Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
- Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
- "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
- Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
- Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
- That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
- Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!"
- Enjoys it so much when small children urinate on his lap, he happily returns the favor.
- Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
- While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
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